


Fair Winds and Following Seas

by Queenbee3480



Category: Once Upon a Time (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Military, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, F/F, Minor Character Death, Past Abuse, Past Rape/Non-con, Slow Burn
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-08-06
Updated: 2021-03-06
Packaged: 2021-03-06 01:41:48
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 28
Words: 67,040
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25755292
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Queenbee3480/pseuds/Queenbee3480
Summary: A year and a half after a devastating fire killed 9 crew members of a Naval ship, Chief Petty Officer Emma Swan remains haunted by her failure to save one of her own. Heartbroken, she dismisses anyone who tries to help her, until the day she is ordered to escort a certain unforgettable VIP around the ship.
Relationships: Evil Queen | Regina Mills/Emma Swan
Comments: 163
Kudos: 327





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Rated Explicit for later chapters.
> 
> I tried to keep the Navy lingo to a minimum, but after 17 years in the Navy, I may have become accustomed to terms that may be unfamiliar to others. If anything needs clarification, please let me know.
> 
> Trigger Warnings. Please pay attention to the archive warning as this story contains depictions of rape and abuse. The specific chapters contain their own warnings, as well as summaries at the end so the graphic details can be skipped if necessary.
> 
> This is a story of betrayal, forgiveness and redemption. This means that at times the characters make choices that are questionable at best, even unforgivable for some. If you are not willing to explore a story in which characters you care about do things that you cannot stomach, this is probably not the story for you. Please heed this warning and approach this story with caution.

Fair Winds and Following Seas

_The smoke was thick in the air, filling her lungs. She waved her hands in front of her face, trying to get her bearings, but when she looked down, her heart stopped for another reason._

_The compartment was filling with water._

_Urgency propelling her, she tried to climb over the set of racks and lockers that blocked her from reaching her destination. The lights flickered and then went out altogether. The cries for help descended into terrified screaming._

_“Chief! Help!”_

_Desperately she tried to reach the voice. “Hang on, Lucas! I’m coming!” She tried to figure out where it was coming from using the compartment’s emergency lights, but they barely made a dent in the blackness and the smoke was still getting thicker._

_“Chief! Get out of there!”_

_“No! Not until I get Lucas out!”_

_She slipped from the racks she was trying to climb over, and she felt the sharp pain in her ankle as she went down hard. Frantically, she tried to get up and stretched her arm out to the younger girl, willing her fingers to stretch far enough to reach her._

_A figure grabbed her and threw her over their shoulder. “No! No! Let me go! I need to get her out!” She pounded against the figure’s shoulder and screamed Lucas’ name at the top of her lungs. Whoever had her ignored her cries and threw her unceremoniously out of the escape hatch in the compartment. Pushing themselves out after her, they slammed the hatch shut seconds before the explosion came and everything went black._

Chief Petty Officer Emma Swan sat up in her rack, breathing hard, sweat pouring down her face. She tried to calm her breathing, but her efforts were in vain. Looking around to make sure she hadn’t woken up any of the other women in the compartment she slid down and made her way to the head to wash her face.

_“Why do they call the bathroom a head, Chief?”_

_“I don’t know Lucas. Maybe you can do some research and let us know what you find out.”_

Emma chuckled at the memory as she fought back the tears it brought. She had led many Sailors in her 15-year career, but Lucas had a way of asking questions that never failed to keep her guessing. Worse, she had looked at Emma with complete trust in her eyes that she would get her through the deployment that was her first time away from home.

It had been 17 months since the fire had broken out on the USS Storybrooke. A fire whose cause remained unknown despite intensive investigation, but one that had taken the lives of 9 young men and women, including 19-year old Seaman Apprentice Ruby Lucas. The repairs were complete, and the ship was out to sea for the first time since it had happened.

The sound of the toilet flushing pulled Emma out of her thoughts, but she relaxed when she saw it was Senior Chief Mary Margaret Blanchard that exited the stall. Most of the crew of the Storybrooke had turned over during the repair period, but Mary Margaret was one of the few that had been on that fateful deployment. After the fire was finally put out and the ship was tugged to the nearest port for inspection and damage assessment, Emma had sat in her room at the local hospital staring at the wall.

_“Are they going to keep you overnight?”_

_“Who are you?”_

_“My name is Mary Margaret. I checked onboard last month.”_

_“Not the welcome you were expecting, huh?”_

The two women had stared at each other before breaking out into hysterical laughter. As her laughter had turned to tears, Mary Margaret had sat next to her on the bed holding her while she cried for what seemed like an eternity. After that, the two women became inseparable.

It wasn’t until a few months later that Emma had learned that Mary Margaret had been the one to pull her out of the junior female berthing that night.

_“How could you!”_

_“Emma, she was already gone. There was no way over those racks. We begged you to come out while you still could.”_

_“No! I could have saved her!”_

_“No, Emma” she whispered. “You couldn’t have. No one could have. You would have died.”_

_“You should have let me.”_

_“Oh Emma.” The sympathy in her voice was almost unbearable. “No, sweetie. Never.”_

Now, standing by the sink, Mary Margaret studied Emma closely. “Another nightmare?”

Emma didn’t answer. She didn’t have to. She rubbed at her eyes impatiently and went to go turn on the shower.

“Emma, its two in the morning. What are you doing?”

Stubbornly, she grabbed her towel and started to undress. “I’m going back to the shop. I have work to do.”

“Emma. Sweetie. You need to sleep. Your Sailors need you to be rested.”

Ignoring her, Emma stepped into the shower stall and shut the curtain.

\-------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Up on the bridge, Captain Killian Jones was trying to cover up the fact that he had forgotten that today was the day of the USO concert. He waited until Command Master Chief David Nolan stopped speaking.

“Ok, what time does she touch down on the flight deck?”

“1300, sir.”

“What is her itinerary?”

“She stays for four days. The Fun Boss has the schedule worked out. I don’t know the specifics, but after she tours the ship, she will have dinner with the crew down on the mess decks. The concert is tonight at 2100.”

“Right. Meet and Greet?”

“Tomorrow and Wednesday, sir. Like I said, her schedule is pretty busy, Fun Boss has it all worked out.”

“How many people is she bringing with her?”

“Two, sir.”

That was a surprise. USO concerts onboard ships were typically complicated affairs and while the organization always tried to impress on the celebrities the necessity to keep it small and simple, they usually wanted to bring their entire entourage with them. Sometimes Captain Jones thought they did this more as an ego trip than a service to the crew and he normally tried not to agree to host them.

This deployment was different, though. The crew was struggling, he could sense it, even if his officers tried to shield him from the discontent. He knew that the few that remained part of the crew from the fire were finding it difficult to re-engage in the day to day routine. The new crew members tried to be patient with them, but they were able to roam the ship without seeing the ghosts that lived there and their sympathy was starting to strain.

The captain had not been there during the fire, but he had been part of a crew that had gone through something similar years before. When the call went out for a new Commanding Officer for the maiden voyage of the Storybrooke after her repairs, he had applied at once and was selected for the position. He understood his crew and he knew they needed a break. That was why when his Command Master Chief had suggested a USO visit, he had agreed.

“Who’s her tour guide?”

“I don’t think she has one, sir. The Fun Boss was going to show her around.”

“I’m not going to have a civilian roaming around my ship for four days, Master Chief. Get your chiefs together and find her a tour guide. That’s an order.”

“Aye aye, sir.” He actually didn’t need to gather them together. He knew just who he was going to select for the job. She would protest, but Chief Emma Swan needed a break more than anyone he knew.

Captain Jones, or Hook as he was affectionately known to his senior officers because of the hand he had lost in the incident onboard years ago, stood up to return to his cabin.

“This woman, she’s a singer, correct?”

“Yes sir, very popular and very talented. The crew will be excited.”

“Remind me again what her name is?”

“Mills, sir. Regina Mills.”


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Emma deals with the news that her routine is about to be shaken up.

It wasn’t Regina’s first time touching down on the flight deck of an aircraft carrier, but the thrill never fully went away. She felt her stomach drop and her heart leap into her throat as they began the acceleration in preparation for the landing. Her neck jerked back as the plane hit the arresting wires that would slow them down enough to allow the craft to stop entirely. She glanced over at her traveling companions and chuckled to herself at their white faces. Perhaps next time they would listen to her warnings.

She was greeted by a group of Sailors that hurried them off the flight deck into a nearby office. She had barely sat down when two men strode into the room.

“Miss Mills. I am Captain Killian Jones, Commanding Officer of the Storybrooke. This is my Command Master Chief, David Nolan.”

Regina shook both their hands, her eyes studying everything around her, missing nothing. “Nice to meet you both. This is my manager Mal and my personal assistant Kathryn.”

David could feel her examining him and even though his interest in Senior Chief Blanchard was a poorly kept secret onboard, he could still feel his face flush under her gaze. The woman just radiated confidence on a level that he had never encountered before.

Briefly, he wondered if arranging Swan as the tour guide was the right move to make. He knew she needed a break from the grind but being in this woman’s presence was overwhelming. Whatever the case was, it was too late now. He directed three crew members to show the women to their staterooms. Kathryn and Mal were to share one of the Junior Officer rooms, while Regina would have a senior officer stateroom to herself.

“Once you are all settled, I will arrange for your tour guide to meet you at your stateroom to begin showing you around the ship. Does an hour sound good?”

“That sounds fine, Master Chief, thank you.”

\----------------------------------------------------

“Your boyfriend has lost his damn mind!” she snapped, yanking papers off the printer and throwing them on table in front of her.

Wincing, Mary Margaret looked around to see if anyone had overheard her. “Emma, please.”

Emma rolled her eyes. “Please. Everyone knows. No one cares.”

“Not the point, Emma, and you know it.”

There wasn’t much to be said to that, because Mary Margaret was right, but she was not ready to let go of her indignation just yet. Instead, she turned the subject back to the matter at hand.

“I have no interest in escorting some spoiled princess around for the next four days. We have an inspection next week and a shit ton of maintenance to catch up on.”

“You’re beyond prepared for that inspection and the maintenance will get done. You have a great shop and they will manage it. There’s no changing his mind on this one, Emma, I’m sorry.”

Narrowing her eyes, Emma looked at her suspiciously. “Did you put him up to this?”

“What? No, of course not! Why would you ask that?”

Emma wasn’t sure. She loved her friend, but there were times when she had to question Mary Margaret’s zealousness in protecting her. She knew she meant well, but sometimes the older woman treated her more like a project than a friend and it grated at her nerves. Poor broken Emma, who awoke with nightmares every night and who never, ever talked about her past.

“Emma, I didn’t! I swear!”

“Ok, Ok.” She rubbed a hand over her face and closed her eyes briefly. There had to be a way to get out of this. She just had to figure out why David was so determined that she be the one to escort this person, whoever she was, around the ship.

“He’s worried about you.” Mary Margaret said gently, causing Emma to wonder, not for the first time, about her uncanny ability to know what she was going through her mind. Her own mother didn’t know her that well. Of course, her own mother didn’t know her at all, so that didn’t really count.

“He doesn’t need to be worried. I’m fine.”

Mary Margaret didn’t even bother to hide her disdain. “Oh, please.”

“I’m serious! I’m not doing this. Tell him to find someone else. Or better yet, tell him to let Her Majesty figure out how to get around the ship herself.”

“Enough! You’re doing this, Emma. That’s an order.”

Emma whirled around, ready to protest that she didn’t take orders from him, but problematically, she actually did.

“Come on, David!”

“Chief Swan! I said that’s enough.” Emma swallowed. David Nolan was a pretty easy going Master Chief, as Master Chiefs went, but he was not used to being questioned. One did not become a Command Master Chief of an aircraft carrier by being a pushover.

“Ok.” She muttered.

David said nothing, just raised an eyebrow at her. She sighed. “Ok, Master Chief,” and if she sat down in her chair a bit too forcefully, he pretended not to notice.

Softening, David put a hand on her shoulder. “It will be good for you Emma. It will get your mind off things, and who knows, you might even have fun.”

“Bite your tongue,” a new voice, smooth as silk interjected.

Regina Mills was unaccustomed to being kept waiting. 15 minutes after the designated arrival time of her tour guide, she had demanded some poor seaman to direct her to where she could find the Commanding Officer. The poor boy had stammered something about the skipper being up on the bridge, whatever the hell that meant, and had offered to show her the way to the Chief’s Mess to find Master Chief Nolan instead.

“I’m sorry if my presence has caused you inconvenience Miss…..?”

Emma froze. Normally, she would be embarrassed at her behavior, but she couldn’t focus on that. She knew that voice. Her heart stopped and the headache that she had been fighting since that morning came back in full force.

_“No, no, no, no. Please God, I’ll do anything, just please help me, just this once.”_

Slowly, she turned her chair face the newcomer and stood up.

The welcoming smile on Regina’s face faded and her eyes widened. “Emma,” she whispered.

“Hi Regina.”


	3. Chapter 3

_The day was freezing, rain pouring down in icy sheets. Emma glanced at her watch and noted that the bus was already ten minutes late and still nowhere in sight. Cursing silently that she had forgotten her gloves yet again, she shoved her hands into the pockets of her leather jacket and turned her face downward to get some protection from the wind._

_“Excuse me” a voice, silky smooth, forced her to look up. If the rain hadn’t been blurring her vision, she would have noticed that looking at the face the voice belonged to was worth the pain of the wind in her eyes. As it was, she could only wonder what the hell this woman wanted._

_“Do you have a cell phone I can borrow?”_

_Emma looked at her suspiciously and didn’t respond._

_“Please. Mine is dead and I just drove over a nail. I just want to call a tow truck.” She pointed at her blue Toyota Camry parked at the curb. Sure enough, the rear passenger tire was flat._

_“Do you have a spare?”_

_“Well, yes, but-“_

_“You don’t need a tow truck. I’ll change your tire.” Emma had absolutely no idea why she just said that._

_The stranger looked confused as well. “You will? Why?” she asked bluntly._

_Emma struggled for an answer. “I guess I’m a sucker for a damsel in distress. I must be a white knight.”_

_The stranger stared at her for a long moment before breaking into a laugh that made something in Emma’s stomach tingle. “Well, all right then, Ser Knight. What shall I call you?”_

_“Emma. Emma Swan.”_

_“Hello, Emma Swan. I’m Regina Mills.”_

Emma barely had a chance to sit back down before the memory hit her hard and fast. That had been in 2003, but 17 years later, Regina looked almost exactly the same. A few lines around her eyes and mouth, perhaps, but if she didn’t know better, she would have sworn that Regina had figured out some kind of magical spell to freeze time.

Mary Margaret’s confused look pulled her out of her thoughts, but it was too late to keep the anger at bay. Anger that Regina still had the ability to make her feel like the flustered, stumbling girl she had been, despite all the time that had passed since she had last seen her.

On the other hand, Regina’s face remained impassive and her body did not fidget. To everyone around her, Regina looked completely unaffected by the awkwardness, but Emma’s trained eyes knew better. This face, the one she once knew so well, held tells. Like the almost imperceptible twitch of her left eye, for example. Or the slight trembling of her crossed hands. Clearing her throat, Emma tried to speak, to say anything to fill the awful silence but to her shock Regina spoke first.

“Miss Swan, perhaps we should get started on the tour.”

“Uh, yeah. Let’s go.” She turned to leave the Mess, catching sight of Mary Margaret’s concern and David’s open amusement. Without waiting to see if Regina would follow, she climbed the stairs and looked for the nearest female head. She ducked inside and waited for Regina to enter before checking all the stalls to ensure they were empty. Once she was assured of their relative privacy, she whirled on the singer, furious.

Regina held up a hand before Emma could say a word. “I swear I didn’t know you were here.”

“Bullshit,” she snapped.

“Emma, I didn’t even know you were in the service. When did you join?”

She heaved a sigh and settled back against the sinks, trying to control her pounding heart. “2005.” She saw Regina’s eyes widen slightly at that and waited for her to speak. Wisely, Regina stayed silent.

Oddly, the silence didn’t feel awkward anymore. It felt familiar, bringing memories of quiet hours spent together in bed, reading or cuddling. For some reason, Emma found that even more irritating.

“What do you want from me, Emma? Do you want me to request another tour guide?”

“God, no. Do you have any idea how pathetic that will make me look?” Her shoulders slouched as she allowed her body to sink to the floor. An eyebrow quirked in obvious disapproval.

“Really, Miss Swan?”

“What?”

“That floor is probably filthy.”

“Prima donna.”

“Peasant.”.

It was startling to realize how easily they could slip back into old routines, but Emma couldn’t think about that right now. The air was beginning to get thin in the restroom and she felt the old impulse to run rising inside of her, as her eyes began to dart towards the door and her legs fidgeted uncomfortably. It made her wonder, as she did routinely, what on earth she had been thinking when she chose this career.

When she had joined 15 years earlier, she had been 22 years old with a broken heart, no city to call home, and no job prospects on the horizon. She told herself that she joined to see the world, a story almost every Sailor she knew told themselves at some point or another, but the truth was that most of them were just looking to run. She had met hundreds over the years, just like her, with stories as varied as the people themselves, but most had one thing in common. They could not the face the thought of looking back and so looking forward towards the open horizon became the only option. Most worked it out of their system during the first few years, leaving only those that had found a more solid reason to stay committed, but Emma? Emma was one of the rare few that never got tired of not staying in one place long enough to put down roots.

Of course, the downside to all that was days like today when the urge to run became so strong that it felt like her soul would literally jump from her body if she didn’t move. On those days, the fact that she was trapped on what was essentially a large floating prison with no way to get off became the only thing she could think about and she had to fight the panic attacks back. It didn’t help at all that the panic attacks now came with the thick scent of smoke and the brown eyes of Ruby Lucas staring accusingly at her.

“Emma?” The question in Regina’s voice pulled her from her thoughts, thankfully before she started to cough from the smoke that no one else ever seemed to see in the air. She looked up and though she didn’t want to see the concern in those dark brown eyes, she couldn’t look away.

She had never been able to stop herself from getting lost in those eyes.

“Yeah, sorry.” She tried to stand up, but honestly, she was 37 years old and getting up off the floor wasn’t as easy as it used to be.

“Here.” She heard the amused exasperation and looked up to see Regina’s hand reaching down to help her up.

_The tire was done, but now the strange girl that had come to her rescue looked like she wasn’t sure what to do next._

_“Here,” she said, reaching her hand out to help her up. The blonde stood and for some reason her impish grin had Regina’s stomach clenching. The girl groaned suddenly, and she looked up to see what was wrong. The bus was just pulling away from the stop._

_“Where do you live?”_

_“Brookline.”_

_“Well, I can’t make it that far on a spare. But listen, I live a couple of miles away. Why don’t you come to my place and change into dry clothes and I’ll buy you dinner as a thank you while I get my tire changed.”_

_The suspicious look from earlier returned to the girl’s face and Regina couldn’t help the laugh that slipped out. “It’s an invitation, dear, not a life altering decision. Don’t hurt yourself thinking about it.”_

_“How do I know you’re not a serial killer or something?”_

_“Well, I suppose you don’t. I have been called evil once or twice in my life, you know.”_

_Something, perhaps interest or even excitement flashed in Emma’s eyes before she shrugged. “Sure, why not.”_

Regina may have had a much better poker face than Emma, but even she was starting to feel the tension of the reunion, not to mention the barrage of long buried memories, begin to weigh on her. She was suddenly anxious to move as well.

“Look. According to the schedule they gave me, I am supposed to have you in the hangar bay right now for rehearsal. Why don’t we head up there and we’ll just figure it out as we go?”

Regina smirked to herself. Typical Emma. Just figure it out as you go. Still, it meant they could finally move, so she agreed to the suggestion. She followed Emma to the door, but found that she just could not let their first interaction end like this.

Emma was halfway out the door when she heard her name being spoken softly. She turned halfway to see Regina reach out a hand towards her face before letting it drop.

“It’s good to see you, Emma.”


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Concert time!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> For those that may not know, a law known as Don’t Ask Don’t Tell was passed in the 90s, allowing gays and lesbians to serve in the military, provided they did not tell anyone about their sexuality. It was repealed under the Obama administration, but during the 20 or so years it existed, an untold number of gay servicemembers were administratively separated from the military, most without benefits. Many spent their whole career avoiding relationships in fear of being found out.
> 
> I joined under Don’t Ask Don’t Tell and signing that paper is a day I’ll never forget. I am dedicating this chapter to anyone that may have been impacted by this law. It may be long over, but I haven’t forgotten you.

“Ok, so I’ll meet you back here at 1600. That’s 4pm,” she explained and found herself treated to a patented Regina Mills eye roll.

“Thanks for clearing that up, Miss Swan.”

“Yeah, yeah. Sorry. Have you done many of these before?”

“You mean ship visits? A couple, I suppose.”

Her face flushed suddenly, which Emma found strange, but before she could question it Regina was pulled away by the Public Affairs Officer. Wandering away, she considered what to do with the next 2 hours until she picked Regina up. Instinctively, she patted her uniform pocket for her cigarettes before she remembered that she had quit. Again.

Back to the shop it was, she supposed. Sitting down at her desk, she began to review maintenance reports that had been put there for her signature. Focusing on the words in front of her became increasingly more difficult and she finally heaved a sigh and pushed her chair back to get another cup of coffee.

“Oh, hey Chief.”

She turned and smiled at her shop’s Leading Petty Officer. Petty Officer First Class Belle French was relatively new at her job, but she worked hard and was eager to learn. Emma appreciated that in her Sailors.

“Hello, French. Anything going on I need to know about?”

“No nothing, except Master Chief called while you were out and asked you to come down to his office when you get a minute.”

Well, that answered the question of how she would kill her time. This conversation should be fun.

She headed down to David’s office and was not even a little bit surprised to see Mary Margaret already there. Those two were thick as thieves, especially when they decided she was due for one of their special talks.

“Sit down, Emma.” Mary Margaret gave her a sympathetic smile as David gestured to the chair across from his desk. Rolling her eyes at little, she sat.

“You two do know you’re not actually my parents, right?”

“Come on, Emma. We’re just worried about you.”

She knew that, but it didn’t keep her back from going up. She knew what was coming and wanted nothing to do with it, but she knew there was getting out of this. Sighing, she sat back and braced herself.

David and Mary Margaret glanced at each other. “Emma,” she began. “Do you want to want to tell us who she is?”

Emma snorted. Like she had a choice. “She's…..someone I knew years ago.”

“A friend?”

She didn’t answer, but she knew the blush on her face was giving her away.

“Well, that explains it.”

“Explains what?”

David chuckled. “Why you’re the only woman onboard that doesn’t turn into a stammering idiot around the Captain.”

“Hey! I do not!”

“Oh, come on Mary Margaret. You know it’s true.”

Emma held her breath. With any luck they would be distracted by their argument and she could make an excuse to slip out.

“Ok, so you dated her?”

Damn. No such luck.

“Does it matter?” She didn’t even realize that she was holding her breath, didn’t realize until that very moment how important it was that her best friend react as she needed her to. Easy as it was to go through life swearing you didn’t need anyone’s approval, after 15 years, Emma was tired.

“Does what matter? That you’re gay?” The question hung in the air but remained unanswered.

“Emma. Honey. No, of course it doesn’t matter. But why wouldn’t you tell me?”

She shifted in her chair miserably. How could she explain that she had trained herself to never look at a woman around anyone she worked with? Or that she had been so careful never to talk about her personal life that long after it became legal to do so, she still didn’t trust that it was safe?

She thought back to that day in her recruiter’s office. She had known the law, of course, but it didn’t seem real to her until he put a piece of paper in front of her to sign that ordered her to hide who she was for the duration of her time in the service. She should have refused, she knew that, and she was sure would have, if only she had not needed to run so desperately.

15 years had passed since that day and when she thought about it, she still felt dirty and ashamed. So in typical Emma fashion, she just chose never to think about it.

“We don’t need to talk about this right now, if you don’t want to, Emma.”

David nodded his agreement. “I’m sorry for putting you in this position. Do you want me to assign her a new guide?”

It was tempting, but suddenly Emma was tired of running. Perhaps it was the relief of finally revealing a secret long past its prime, but all at once she knew that she wanted to face this. Just this once. She attempted a casual shrug.

“Nah. I got it.”

“Are you sure?”

“I said, I got it,” she bit out, a touch too sharply.

He nodded. “Better get to it, then. Its almost 1600.”

\--------------------------------------------------

The makeshift stage held just Regina, her guitar and 2 Sailors on keyboard and drums. Whenever possible, Regina liked to ask if there were musicians on the ship that would be willing to fill in for her band. It limited the imposition on the ship to provide accommodations for a large group of people and more importantly, it gave a few people a couple of hours of escape from the grind. Captain Jones wondered if she had any idea how unique that made her.

The lights dimmed and Regina began to sing. Emma stood by the side of the stage, trying desperately not to allow the music to bring up memories she was definitely too raw to deal with right then. The first set consisted of some her well known hits and as Regina’s sultry voice and natural charisma carried through the hangar bay, Emma could feel the crew around her begin to visibly relax and enjoy themselves.

The concert went on, a mixture of original songs and covers of other artists. Between sets, Regina chatted easily with the crew, cracking jokes and laughing good naturedly with the boys in front of the stage that tried shamelessly to flirt with her.

Emma was mesmerized. This was not the woman she remembered. That Regina had been friendly and loving towards those in her circle, but oh so very guarded. This woman looked as at home in front of a group of strangers as she had looked back in their apartment in Boston.

“This is the part of the evening I like to ask for requests. After all, this is for all of you, not for me.”

Voices shouted out from all over the hangar bay and Regina held up a hand, laughing at them. “Ok, ok. One at a time.” They fell silent, and suddenly everyone seemed too shy to be the first to speak.

Regina looked around the hangar bay, eyes settling on Emma with a smirk. “How about you, Chief Swan? Anything you would like to hear?”

Emma felt her face grow hot and she shot Regina a glare. The brunette merely smiled blandly at her, waiting. “Turns out, I’m not really familiar with your work, Miss Mills.” It was meant as a dig, but Regina clearly took it as a challenge, eyes gleaming and nose crinkling up in that way that Emma really wished she didn’t still find so damned adorable.

“That’s ok. Try me.”

Emma stared right back at her, smiling serenely. “How about Sweet but Psycho?” she asked innocently. The crowd burst into applause and laughter. Beside her Mary Margaret’s mouth dropped open, but Emma’s face was trained directly on Regina’s as she noticed genuine mirth in her eyes for the first time. The singer waited for the crowd to calm down before leaning into the microphone.

“Well played, Miss Swan.”

Her attention finally elsewhere, she sang the request, as well several more from others in the audience. The crowd was still shouting out song titles when she spoke again. “My time is almost at a close, but I would like to end with a song that isn’t mine but holds special meaning for me.” Her voice, earlier so sultry and teasing turned soulful.

_I can hold my breath  
I can bite my tongue  
I can stay awake for days  
If that's what you want  
Be your number one  
I can fake a smile  
I can force a laugh  
I can dance and play the part  
If that's what you ask  
Give you all I am_

_I can do it  
I can do it  
I can do it_

_But I'm only human  
And I bleed when I fall down  
I'm only human  
And I crash and I break down  
Your words in my head, knives in my heart  
You build me up and then I fall apart  
'Cause I'm only human, yeah_

_I can turn it on  
Be a good machine  
I can hold the weight of worlds  
If that's what you need  
Be your everything_

_I can do it  
I can do it  
I'll get through it_

_But I'm only human  
And I bleed when I fall down  
I'm only human  
And I crash and I break down  
Your words in my head, knives in my heart  
You build me up and then I fall apart_

_Cuz I’m only human, yeah_

When she was done, there was a moment of complete silence and suddenly the applause crashed forward as though it would never end. Regina took her bow and when she looked up, Emma was gone.

\--------------------------------------------------

As soon as she got out of the hangar bay, Emma slowed to allow Mary Margaret to catch up, knowing the woman would not stop giving chase.

“You ok?”

“Yeah, I’m good.” That was definitely a lie, but Mary Margaret let it go.

“She’s pretty amazing.”

A snort and then: “Yeah, she is.”

Mary Margaret elbowed her in the ribs. “At least you have good taste in women.”

Emma finally laughed. “I guess.”

“You headed back to your shop?”

“No, I think I’m gonna go to bed,” she said to Mary Margaret’s amazement.

That night, Emma drifted off to sleep to the sound of Regina’s singing in her head and for the first time in a year and half slept through the night. When the dreams did come, they were filled not with smoke and tears, but with memories of a young brunette sitting cross-legged with her guitar in a familiar apartment in downtown Boston.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I watched this video right before I sat down to write and it gave me all the feels. So now its in the story.
> 
> https://youtu.be/GQmo-i3EAJ8
> 
> Unfortunately, the updates are going to start coming at a slower pace now because my new semester starts tomorrow and I pick up a new group of trainees at work next week.


	5. Chapter 5

As Emma slumbered peacefully for the first time in months, in her stateroom Regina was not quite as fortunate. She often found it difficult to sleep after a concert, but over the years she had learned several methods of relaxing her mind and body from the natural adrenaline that live performances gave her. Mentally, she ran through them all.

Meditation? No, the ship was too loud.

Yoga? Space was too cramped.

Soft music? She didn’t feel like it.

Wine? That would be great if it weren’t completely prohibited on the ship. Besides, she hadn’t brought any with her.

Since sleep did not seem to be a possibility, she sat up in bed strumming her guitar and reached absently for a notebook and pen. Maybe writing would slow her brain down.

_“You’re really talented.”_

_Regina set her guitar down and smiled. “Thanks. Do you need a hand with that?” she asked nodding at the boxes Emma was lugging._

_“Nah, I’ve got it.” She set the boxes down and knelt before them to begin sorting through her belongings._

_“What’s wrong?”_

_Emma sat back with a sigh. “Nothing. I’m just not sure this was a great idea.”_

_“Moving in?”_

_At Emma’s nod, Regina frowned. “We talked about this” she said firmly. “Your lease with your old roommates was up and you needed a place to stay. Besides, this place is way too big for just me.”_

_“I know, I know. I just…I don’t know. We’ve only known each other a few months and we’ve only hung out a few times since then. You could hate me in a few months.”_

_Regina snorted. “Doubtful.” But she could feel her face reddening under Emma’s questioning gaze and looked away. Sure, it was 2003, not 1980, but even so, she guarded the secret of her sexuality religiously. Every time she thought of her mother’s reaction, she became more determined to keep it hidden forever._

_“What’s got you so quiet?” Emma teased and Regina looked up just in time to see Emma bend down to pick up a box right in front of her face. She felt her heartbeat quicken and her cheeks flushed again. Maybe this wasn’t such a great idea after all._

_“Nothing. Would you like some help unpacking?”_

_Emma hesitated. “Don’t get mad, but I’m actually really touchy about my things. I swear it has nothing to do with you.”_

_“Why would I get mad at that?” she laughed. “Actually, I am quite the same way. Would you like some company? Or would that be intrusive?”_

_“No, company sounds great. Would you-“ Her voice trailed off and she blushed slightly._

_“Would I what?”_

_“Never mind.” She turned to pick up another box and Regina caught her arm._

_“What is it?”_

_Emma sighed. “Would you play for me? I love listening to you sing.”_

_Regina let go of her arm and grinned at her, inordinately pleased at that. “Yeah?” she asked._

_“Yeah.”_

Surprisingly, Regina found herself yawning, and she put her guitar down and turned off the lamp next to her. It had been a long day, after all, and as Emma had, she drifted off to memories of hours spent in an apartment clearly too large for one, yet somehow too small for two people to stay out of each other’s way.

_\---------------------------------------------------------------------------------_

“What’s on the agenda for today?”

Emma shifted the papers in her hand looking for the schedule as she shoved a donut in her mouth. Regina watched in amused fascination as she balanced a cup of coffee, a giant stack of papers and several folders all while holding the pastry in her teeth.

“Don’t you ever sit down?”

Emma grinned. “Not if I can help it.” But she took the hint and directed Regina to a table in the corner of the Chief’s mess. Sipping her coffee, she checked the schedule.

“Whoops. What time is it?”

“7:30, why?”

“It says here you were supposed to eat breakfast in the Wardroom at 7. Guess we missed that,” she shrugged. “If you’re hungry, I can get you something off the line.”

She felt the familiar lurch in her stomach at the sound of laughter and she looked up to meet Regina’s eyes. “You haven’t changed at all, have you?”

_“Emma, let’s go!” Regina’s voice sounded impatient and Emma knew she didn’t have much time before the brunette stormed into her room, displeasure clearly showing on her face. She would never admit it, but sometimes she took too long to get ready on purpose just to annoy Regina into invading her room. The singer was normally so careful to not intrude on her space that perversely, Emma enjoyed irritating her into losing her patience._

_Regina flung the door open and snatched the brush from Emma’s hand. “Come on, Emma! There’s going to be a talent agent at the club tonight. We need to leave.”_

_“I could finish getting ready if you would just hand me back my brush. Besides, who do you think you’re kidding? It takes you hours to get ready.”_

_“Yes, which is why I start getting ready at a reasonable hour. Your hair looks fine. Let’s go.”_

_“Gimme my brush, woman!”_

_“No! Ow!” she protested as Emma grabbed her arm and tried to twist her wrist to force the brush out of her hand. “Let go!”_

_“Never! Gimme!”_

_Regina laughed as she held the brush behind her back. “Make me,” she challenged._

_Emma jumped up from her chair and chased her around the room. She loved moments like this. Regina was a study in conflicts. She was surprisingly shy, but Emma marveled at the way she reveled in performing. She could be rigid and uncompromising, but Emma knew she was harder on herself than she was on anyone else. Most of all, she was reserved and cautious and Emma lived for the times that she could get the brunette to drop her guard and truly enjoy herself._

_Right now, more than anything, she was dying to push the woman up against the wall and kiss her senseless, but she was afraid she would find herself homeless if she did that. Instead, she grabbed Regina by the waist and they both went tumbling down together. Regina landed on top of her and when they stopped laughing, the brunette reached up and cupped her face briefly before standing up, the usual shadow in her eyes returning._

_\------------------------------------------------------------------------_

The first meet and greet was scheduled to begin at 0900 and Emma was not looking forward to it. It was supposed to run all the way until noon and sitting in one place for that long never sat very well with her. Sure enough, it wasn’t very long before she found herself bored while Regina chatted with crew members, posed for pictures, and was all around charming and adorable. It was fun to watch for a while, but damned if it didn’t get repetitive before long.

She occupied herself with some work she had brought with her, glancing up occasionally to check if Regina needed some water or a break, but it seemed like the 2 blonde women she had brought with her had all her needs well anticipated and met. Emma vaguely remembered Mal from back in the day when Regina used to play the clubs in Boston and New York, but Kathryn was new. Emma didn’t have much chance to interact with her, but she seemed nice enough, if a bit aloof.

“My question is for Chief Swan” the voice interrupted her train of thoughts, causing her to look up from her work. In front of her stood 3 young guys, no older than 18 or 19, clearly brand new to the Navy. She could tell from experience that they were here on some sort of a dare or challenge.

“What’s it like to fuck a rock star?” he barely got the question out before he doubled over with laughter, high fiving his buddies. Emma pushed her chair back, eyes flashing, heat rising in her cheeks, when she felt a hand on her knee under the table.

“Now, boys,” she purred, letting out the chuckle that Emma knew perfectly well she employed as a weapon. “Wouldn’t you just love to know?” Her voice was cool, almost indifferent, but Emma easily recognized the quick flash of temper in her eyes. Clearly, she wasn’t the only one that saw it because out of the corner of her eye, she saw Mal walk over to stand behind Regina. Where Regina’s face had remained impassive, Mal’s clearly showed fury and disdain that she was doing nothing to attempt to hide. The boys caught the hint and backed off, but Emma made a mental of the names on their uniforms before they left, determined to track them down later that day and let them have it.

The crowd, which had been silent during the interaction, released a collective breath and the usual murmuring and chatter resumed. Mal returned to what she was doing, and Regina smiled at the next arrival. Emma shook her head in amazement.

_“Regina, wait.”_

_“What? What could you possibly want?”_

_“I just want to see if you’re ok.”_

_Regina waved her arm impatiently, as though swatting a fly. “Those insolent little fools. I should have hit them when I had the chance.”_

_“Probably not a great idea, considering there were 4 of them and they were all at least 6 feet tall.”_

_“I don’t care! Did you hear what they said about you?”_

_Emma shrugged. “Yeah. I heard. So, some random drunk idiots in a bar made some rude comments. Why do you even care, Regina?”_

_Regina growled and stalked off, leaving Emma to chase after her again._

_“Come on Regina, don’t make me run after you in these shoes.”_

_“Well then, don’t come after me,” she tossed over her shoulder as she quickened her pace._

_“That’s not an option, Regina. Come on!”_

_Regina slowed at last, allowing Emma to catch up to her. “How could you let them talk to you that way?_

_“I don’t know, Regina. Some things just aren’t worth the effort, I guess. Besides, it’s over now.” She reached out and touched Regina’s arm, helping her calm down._

“When did you get so good at controlling your temper?” she asked Regina in a whisper.

Regina laughed again. “Someone wise told me once that some things just aren’t worth the effort, dear” she replied. The meet and greet resumed, leaving Emma to wonder just what had happened to change this woman so much since the last time they met.


	6. Chapter 6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Emma and Regina begin to address their past.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you all so much for your positive feedback on this story. This is my first long story and I am having a great time writing it. Your encouragement and reviews mean so much to me.

“You’re supposed to be my tour guide, right?”

Emma looked up from her work. “What are you getting at?”

“Just that I’ve been here for a day and half and you haven’t shown me anything.”

The protest on the tip of her tongue died as she considered the truth of the statement. “Fair point.” She ignored the triumphant gleam in the brunette’s eyes and stretched as she stood up from her desk.

“Well, I am sorry dear, but watching you sit at your desk growling at those reports is getting a bit tedious.”

“No more tedious than sitting watching your fans fawn over you, but ok.”

Regina’s eyes sparkled. The bickering, at least, was familiar territory. “I’m only going to be here another couple of days. Spend some time with me.” 

The words did something funny deep inside Emma’s stomach. ‘ _Snap out of it!’ she ordered herself. ‘This is Regina we’re talking about. She broke your heart, remember?’_

She did remember, but for some reason, it did not help with the feelings twisting around inside of her. “You always did like to interrupt me while I was working.”

“Well, you work too much.”

“Excuse me? _I_ work too much? Double standard, Your Majesty?”

Regina laughed. “Your Majesty? Where did that come from?”

“It felt right, in the moment.”

It was no use. Keeping her guard up around this woman never worked.

_“Emma?”_

_“Ow!” Emma’s head hit the lifted hood of the car she was working on. Working as a mechanic wasn’t exactly her dream job, but it paid the bills and she found she was pretty good at it._

_“What are you doing here?”_

_Regina held up a bag with 2 sandwiches in them. “Lunch?”_

_Emma glanced at her boss who nodded quickly and smiled at her friend. “Sure,” she agreed. “Just let me get cleaned up.”_

_“I thought we would go to the park to eat. Does that sound ok?”_

_Emma would have followed this woman anywhere. “Yep.”_

As they strolled around the ship, Emma pointed out various sights. Regina acted as though she were paying attention, but it was clear she was otherwise occupied. Stopping suddenly at the door to the flight deck, Emma whirled around.

“Ok. What’s going on?”

“What do you mean?”

“You guilt me into showing you around the ship, then don’t pay attention to a word I say. What gives?”

Regina didn’t respond, just walked back towards the skin of the ship. “I’m hungry.”

“You’re hungry?”

“Yes, Emma. Is that so surprising?”

Emma snorted and rolled her eyes. “Fine. Let’s go down to the Mess and get something to eat.” She seethed inwardly as she led the way to the ladderwell that went down to their destination. She remembered this side of Regina all too well and she had sworn never to let it get to her again.

_“So, what’s up?”_

_“What do you mean?”_

_Emma nodded towards the food spread out in front of them. “Impromptu picnic in the middle of the workday?”_

_Regina shifted nervously. “Nothing. Can’t I just spend time with my best friend?”_

_When Regina’s eyes grew dark like that, Emma would have given everything she owned to know what was going on in her head. “Of course, you can.”_

_She picked up her sandwich, noting that Regina was watching her out of the corner of her eye instead of eating. She set her food down again with a sigh. “Come on Regina. You can tell me anything.” Regina didn’t respond and Emma stood up from her seat across from the brunette in order to sit next to her instead. She put her arm around Regina and without a word, Regina rested her head against her chest. At that moment, Emma believed she could have survived the rest of her life with only the feeling of warmth in her chest to fuel her._

Regina picked up her pace to catch up. Emma stopped short where she stood, ignoring the curious looks of the Sailors walking by.

“I’m not the same woman, Regina. You need to know that.”

Regina nodded, but Emma wasn’t done. “The days of me begging you to talk to me or trying to figure out what is going on in your head are over. If you have something you want to say, then say it. Otherwise, let’s just get through the next 2 days as painlessly as possible.

She waited for Regina to speak and when the brunette said nothing, she stormed into a nearby head to collect herself. Regina followed, because of course she did.

_Regina stayed buried in Emma’s chest far longer than anyone would consider appropriate. Forcing herself up, she looked at Emma’s face, afraid of what she would see there. To her shock, there was no discomfort on the blonde, no awkward attempt to disentangle herself. Instead, her eyes remained closed and her body remained completely still. When at last she noticed Regina had moved, she opened her eyes and smiled at her. “Hi,” was all she said._

_“Hi.” Try as she might, Regina could not maintain eye contact. She turned to begin to pick up their food, but Emma caught her by the wrist and gently lowered her back down to the ground._

_“Regina, is there something you want to tell me?”_

_Regina shook her head emphatically. “N-no.”_

_Emma shook her head. “And here I thought I was the coward in this relationship.”_

_That got Regina’s back up. “I beg your pardon?”_

_Emma shrugged. “I can tell there’s something big you want to tell me, and I think it has something to do with why you got so mad at those idiots in the bar a few weeks ago. I know you think I am going to leave when you tell me what you have to say, but right now all I want to do is sit here and listen. Please don’t make me run after you again.”_

_Try as she might, Regina could not speak. Emma was right. She had planned this picnic so that she could tell Emma once and for all how she was feeling. Lay it all on the line. But now that the moment was here, her courage disappeared, along with any ability to speak._

_“Maybe I can help,” Emma whispered. Regina turned to her confused. The blonde leaned forward slowly, stopping briefly to look at Regina’s eyes, as though seeking permission. Regina forgot to breathe as Emma gently pressed her lips against hers in just the tiniest brush._

_The kiss was over almost before it began, but in that moment, Regina felt everything change._

_“Was that what you were trying to tell me?”_

_Regina sat shock still, unable to move or speak. It occurred to her suddenly that Emma was still waiting for her to answer._

_“Yes.”_

“Quit following me,” Emma hissed after she checked and ensured their privacy. Regina put her hand up in a placating way, cutting the blonde off.

“Ok. I will leave you alone, but first I need to tell you.”

Emma stared at her suspiciously. “Tell me what?”

“I’m not the same woman anymore either. I know what I want now and unlike that day in the park, I am not going to make you pull it out of me.”

Unbelievable.

“How did you know I was thinking about the park?”

“Because I saw the same look in your eyes as I did that day. You’re still waiting for me to say something, but I am not going to do what I did last time.”

Emma opened her mouth to speak but was interrupted. “No. Please, let me speak.” At Emma’s nod, Regina continued.

“I asked you to show me around the ship, because I was hoping to get you someplace private where we could talk. I realize now that wasn’t likely to happen on an aircraft carrier.”

At Emma’s laugh, Regina’s shoulders relaxed some.

"We could have just gone to your stateroom, you know."

"Why didn't I think of that?" Regina made a show of smacking herself in the forehead. 

"Because you're-". She was interrupted by Regina shaking her head in exasperation.

"Sorry. Ok, go ahead."

At the seconds ticked by without a break in the silence, Emma raised an eyebrow. "Regina?"

“I miss you Emma. I’ve missed you all these years and I didn’t want to leave without telling you….” Her voice trailed off, but remembering her promise to herself, she took a breath and continued.

“Without telling you that I don’t want to lose you again.”

Emma’s eyes widened. To distract herself from the feelings that were threatening to soften her towards the woman across from her, she looked around the head.

Big mistake. Her body recognized where she was before her brain had a chance to process the information. In her haste to get out of sight of questioning eyes, she had ducked into the head attached to the junior female berthing. Her body began to shake, and nausea threatened to overwhelm her.

_Thick black smoke. Flickering lights._

_The compartment filling with water._

“Emma?”

_The screaming. The terrified cries for help mixed with desperate coughing._

_“Chief! Help!”_

The vision filled her head and Emma knew all too well that it was too late to fight it off. Sinking to the ground, she fought the tears and clenched her fists.

_Ruby Lucas’ face, frozen forever in time, staring at her accusingly._

“Emma!”

The doorknob began to turn, and Regina sprang into action. Crossing to the door in two long steps, she opened it just enough to make eye contact with the poor soul that was trying to enter. She glared at the girl and said “Find another restroom. Now.” Her command left no room for argument and the terrified girl backed out. Regina could briefly hear her ask someone about the “Evil Queen” in the head before shutting the door and returning to Emma’s side.  
  


“Emma, what’s going on? Talk to me.” There was no response and Regina crouched down to try to look her in the eyes. Completely unsure of whether she was handling this correctly, she touched Emma’s arm and spoke. “Emma? Come on, come back to me.”

Remarkably, the hand on her arm relaxed her enough to make eye contact. Regina backed off. “What just happened?”

“Nothing. Must have been a touch of seasickness or something

“Seasickness. Right. Well, I can pretend to believe that, if you want.”

Emma said nothing, just stood up to splash water on her face.

“Come on Emma, it’s me. Talk to me.”

“I know it’s you!” she snapped. “How can you not see that’s part of the problem?”

Stunned, Regina stared at her. “What happened to you?” She whispered.

“You! You happened to me! You always happen to me.”

Regina shook her head slowly. “No. No, this is something else.” She turned to leave but was interrupted by a hand on her wrist and pair of panicked green eyes.

“Where are you going?”

“You need someone right now, and clearly I am not the one that can help you.” She sighed, taking in Emma’s tear streaked face and shallow breathing. “Let me go get your friend Mary Margaret.”

“No!” The grip on Regina’s wrist grew deathly tight as panic started to overwhelm her again. “Don’t leave me!”

Regina stared at the hand on her wrist in shock.

“Please, Regina. Don’t leave me.”

“Ok, Emma. I won’t, I promise.”

Emma slid to the floor again and after a moment’s hesitation, Regina joined her. Putting her arm around the blonde, she closed her eyes as Emma’s head rested on her chest. They sat in silence for a few minutes before Emma whispered. “I missed you too.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This was supposed to be a fluff chapter, but apparently I am in a mood because everything I wrote turned angsty instead.


	7. Chapter 7

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Emma and Regina spend an unexpectedly quiet evening together.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Attempt number 2 at fluff. It worked out a little better this time.

“Did you know that you agreed to call Bingo tonight?” Emma tossed a can of soda at Regina, who caught it absently and picked up her pace to keep up.

“I beg your pardon?”

“Yep, that’s what I thought. Who agreed to this itinerary? Mal?”

“Probably. I’m not certain. Can we please talk about-“

“Come on. I’ll show you the studio.”

“Studio? What stu-? Emma will you _please_ slow down?” The frustration was evident in her voice as Emma hurried through the passageway, ducking around corners and dodging sailors.

Emma stopped short causing Regina to run into her. “Sorry.”

Regina snorted. “You don’t seem very sorry. You are a terrible tour guide,” she bit out, but the twinkle in her eyes told Emma she wasn’t really upset.

“Hey! I resent that. I’ve been a great guide.”

“Yes, dear. I have successfully seen every restroom on the ship at least twice.”

Much as it rankled her, Emma conceded the point. “Come with me,” she said. “I want to show you something.”

“Will you slow down?”

“Nope! You’ll just have to keep up.”

It wasn’t that Regina didn’t know the blonde was moving a hundred miles an hour in order to avoid talking what had just happened between them in the restroom. The running, the quick subject changes, the dodging of reality? Those characteristics were so quintessentially Emma, they were as much a part of her as her green eyes.

So no, it wasn’t that Regina was confused by what was happening here. It was more that she knew that pushing Emma to talk before she was ready was a waste of time, so gamely, she tried to keep up.

It wasn’t easy. Emma knew this ship inside and out and more importantly; she knew how to navigate through an aircraft carrier comfortably. As Regina struggled with the narrow hallways and steep staircases that always seemed to be crammed full of people, she cursed the blonde under her breath for this ridiculous trek to god only knew where.

“Emma. This is absurd. Would you please just stop and tell me where we are going?”

“We’re here,” Emma replied, pulling open a door and stepping outside.

“Wait. Where are we?”

“This is the smoking sponson.”

Regina’s eyes narrowed. “I cannot believe that you still have that filthy habit,” she began.

“I don’t. Quit years ago.” It wasn’t exactly a lie as she had quit years ago, even if it hadn’t exactly been the last time she had needed to fight that particular demon. “I just like to come out here for fresh air, sometimes.”

“Fresh air? In a-? What was it you called this place?” Regina gestured vaguely around her.

“Smoking sponson. And that’s not why I brought you out here.” Gently she put her hands on Regina’s shoulders and turned her around to face the ocean.

Puzzled, Regina glanced back at Emma for clarification.

Emma nodded towards the ocean. “Just give it a few minutes,” she said.

Silently the two looked out at the water, until Regina spoke.” Do you come out here often?”

Without turning her head Emma nodded. “Every night assuming my schedule allows it. If you would stop being so impatient, you will see why in just a couple of minutes.”

As they stood side by side, the sun began to slip down over the horizon, leaving brilliant hues of color dancing on the ocean. Regina watched in awe as the sky turned a brilliant crimson color, nearly blood red, and so vivid it almost hurt to watch. It didn’t last long, but as the sky deepened into the dark purple that twilight brought in its wake, her hand unconsciously reached out and held Emma’s in her own. Emma glanced down at their clasped hands, but did not comment, just angled her body to block the view of their hands from prying eyes.

“That was-“

“I know.”

The silence fell between them again, familiar and peaceful as the purple died down into an almost inky black.

“Watching sunset from the middle of the ocean is something everyone should experience at least once,” Emma said softly.

“Thank you for showing me,” Regina said. “It was magnificent.”

Emma did not reply right away. She had too many thoughts in her head and she was afraid she was going to screw this up, as often happened when she let her mouth run away without her brain. Regina, sensing she had something to say, waited patiently.

“I know you’re worried about me,” Emma began, her eyes still fixed on the horizon in front of them. “I’m not going to lie to you and tell you that you have no reason to be. But I wanted to show you this. So that you know I, I’m going to be ok, you know? And I wanted to give you some idea of why I do what I do.”

The admission was stunning, and Regina’s mouth dropped open in surprise. The ability to admit she wasn’t ok was something she had never thought she would see in her fierce knight in shining armor and Regina wasn’t sure what to do with the tenderness that was rising in her chest. She desperately wanted to kiss her, even if it was just on their joined hands, but she knew she couldn’t so she gave Emma’s hand a gentle squeeze in response instead.

\---------------------------------------------------------------------------------

“Ok, tell me about this Bingo thing.”

Emma chortled. “I can’t believe they roped you into that. Is Mal pissed at you or something?”

“Not to my knowledge, but you are starting to worry me.”

“You really should look at your itinerary when you get back to your stateroom. Tomorrow, they have you judging a karaoke contest.”

“Excuse me?”

“Hey, don’t ask me, I’m just the guide. My job is to get you where you need to be. That’s it”

“Yes, and you are doing marvelously, if the missed breakfast this morning is any indication.”

The pair headed back towards Regina’s stateroom so that Regina could change for the night’s activities. As they walked, Emma explained how it worked.

“Ok, so MWR sells Bingo cards at 10 bucks a pop.”

“MWR?”

“Sorry. Morale, Welfare and Recreation. Just about every work center on the ship has a TV in it and everyone that bought a card plays together. The caller works out of the ship’s TV studio and they have to keep up some sort of patter going while the game is going on.”

Regina stopped. “Please tell me you’re joking.”

Emma burst out laughing again. “I’m really, really not. This is awesome. Come on, it starts in 30 minutes.”

Regina shook her head in amusement at the blonde’s reaction. “Forget changing. Let’s just head to the studio.”

“You got it, boss.” Without warning, Emma flipped around the started walking the direction they had just come from. “I’ll drop you off there so you they can get you all set up, then I’ll go grab you a snack. Anything in particular you want?”

“Any chance for a glass of apple cider?”

Emma snorted. “You’re cute. How about an apple?”

“I suppose that’ll do.” She looked at the door that Emma stopped in front of and pointed at and headed inside.

When Emma returned 15 minutes later, apple in hand, Regina was seated at the table with a small microphone attached to her shirt. The Public Affairs Officer was talking to her and the chief in charge of medial department was explaining to 2 sailors how to angle the cameras. He glanced up and grinned.

“Hello Chief Swan.”

“Chief Cassidy,” she nodded as she walked towards Regina. Her voice sounded formal, but there was an undertone of affection in it that only those who knew her well would be able to detect. She liked Chief Neal Cassidy; once he figured out that hitting on her was a waste of time, he had become a good friend.

“Emma, I’m glad you’re back.”

“Miss me already?” she joked, handing over the apple.

“Always. But I am especially glad you are back because I was just telling Chief Cassidy that I thought the bingo calling would go better if I had a partner to bounce off of.”

“Oh really? What sucker did you get for that job?” she snickered until she saw the wicked grin on Regina’s face.

“Not a chance.” She said, backing towards the door. Chief Cassidy blocked her exit, grinning at the horror on her face.

“Come on Miss Swan. I don’t know anyone else on the ship.” Regina flashed the smile that she knew perfectly well was impossible to say no to.

“Uh uh. Not gonna happen.”

Regina stood and placed her hand on Emma’s shoulder. “Please?” was all she asked.

Emma sat down with a sigh. “I fucking hate you,” she grumbled, as Neal and the junior media sailors let out a cheer. “What do I have to do?” She gamely allowed the media department representative pin a microphone to her uniform shirt, grumbling something about the “fucking good idea fairy” as Regina looked on in delight. This night was looking up.

\----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

“What’s got you in such a good mood?”

Regina laughed in glee. “I can’t believe you agreed to do that.”

“Yeah, yeah. Laugh it up, Chuckles. You have any idea how much shit I am going to take for that tomorrow?”

“I can imagine. What made you agree?” They had reached the front of Regina’s stateroom by then and were standing out in the hall, not wanting the evening to end.

“I guess I still have a hard time saying no to you,” Emma said. The look on Regina’s face at that made the humiliation of the experience almost worth it.

It was after 11 by then and the usual hustle and bustle of the ship had died down to an occasional sailor roaming the halls. The PA system had been silent for over an hour and would remain that way until 6 in the morning, barring some sort of emergency. Standing in front of Regina’s stateroom in the relative quiet after an evening of romantic sunsets and laughter, it was impossible not to feel as though she were dropping her off after a really successful date.

Regina apparently felt the same way, because as she opened the door to her stateroom, she waited in the doorway, a silent question in her eyes.

Emma knew she shouldn’t go inside. It was a bad idea for her career, and it was a really terrible idea for her heart to get involved again. Still, as she stared at the brunette’s dark eyes and questioning smile, every cautious argument in her head paled against the prospect of spending time alone with Regina. Shrugging, she glanced around the hallway to ensure it was empty and followed her inside.

Regina walked over to her suitcase and pulled out a pair of sweats. Without thinking twice about it, she began to change her clothes and Emma could only stare at her as she released her breasts from her bra with a contented sigh. Suddenly, Regina seemed to remember she was there and hastily pulled a t-shirt over her head, blushing. “Sorry,” she said. “Old habits, I guess.”

Emma did not respond, just nodded. She knew what Regina meant. All day, it seemed, they had been falling back into their own patterns, bickering and picking at each other. Clearing her throat, she spoke. “Its fine.” She invited the brunette to sit next to her by patting the bed she was sitting on. Regina sat, brushing her hair and the routine was so familiar that for all intents and purposes, it was 2003 again.

Slowly, Regina put down her hair brush and tentatively put her hand on Emma’s cheek. _“Stop her!”_ the last voice of reason in her head screamed, but it went ignored as Emma closed her eyes and leaned into her former lover’s touch. The hand on her face stroked gently and when at last her eyes drifted open, Regina’s lips were a breath away from hers.

Without thinking, as though by instinct, Emma leaned in. When Regina’s lips touched hers softly, she felt every bit of caution that remained fly out of her head. Nothing mattered, just this kiss. This perfect moment in time, with the sweet lips she had once loved so much on hers.

When Regina pulled away at last, Emma sat shock still, already missing the contact. “Was that ok?” Regina asked softly.

“Yes,” Emma replied. “But I am not ready to go any further than that.”

“I know.” Regina laid back on the bed and opened her arms. She appeared to be in no hurry for Emma to make up her mind. She looked so perfect lying there that Emma spoke without thinking.

“Flaming June.”

“What?”

“The painting by Sir Fredric Leighton. That’s who you look like right now.”

Regina rolled her eyes and blushed. “Stop being ridiculous. Are you going to join me or not?”

Emma hesitated. This was a terrible idea, if for no other reason than it could destroy her career. If she got caught in a civilian’s stateroom, not even her friendship with David would protect her from the hellstorm that was sure to follow. Still, the temptation proved too much to resist. She stripped down to the tank top and underwear beneath her uniform, then crawled into the bed next to Regina. Regina pulled the covers over both of them and gently stroked Emma’s hair when the blonde laid her head down on her chest. Curled up in Regina’s arms, Emma drifted off for her second peaceful night’s sleep in a row.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Beginning next chapter, the archive warnings are going to be updated as necessary to explain the circumstances behind the breakup. Please pay attention to them, as its going to be a bumpy ride.


	8. Chapter 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As noted last week, the archive warnings and tags have been updated in anticipation of the next couple of chapters. I will also provide a warning in the notes during the chapters in which they apply.

_December, 2004_

_“This is complete bullshit, Regina. We’ve been together for over a year and I still haven’t met your mother. But he gets invited to Christmas dinner?”_

_Regina raked a hand through her long dark hair in impatience as she tried to get her girlfriend to understand. “Please, Emma. Leo means nothing to me. I promise, you have nothing to worry about.”_

_Emma snorted. “He may mean nothing to you, but he means something to your family,” she said, to which Regina did not reply. “Can’t you understand that even if I can’t go to your family’s place for Christmas, I still want to spend Christmas with you?”_

_“I know you do. We can spend Christmas Eve together, I promise._

_At Emma’s silence, Regina sighed. “Come on, Emma. What’s really going on here?”_

_Emma turned away before Regina could see the frustrated tears in her eyes. She didn’t want to answer, didn’t know how to tell her how much it hurt that she was being passed over for another. When minutes passed without a word, Regina gave up._

_“Look, I need to go. Leo got me a meeting with a Broadway talent agent, and I can’t be late.”_

_Emma still didn’t look at her and Regina sat down on the bed next to her. “Please Emma, look at me.”_

_Emma turned around and sighed. “Go to your meeting.”_

_Regina tried to cup her face for a kiss. “I hate when you’re mad,” she said, and Emma nodded._

_“I know. Go to your meeting, babe. I understand.”_

_Relieved, Regina stood up. “I love you,” she said. “You’re the best girlfriend in the world.”_

_“You bet I am.” Emma tried to smile but, in her heart, she was remembering the first time Regina had told her she loved her, as they laid on a blanket under the stars. When Regina propped herself up on her elbows and reached over to kiss her gently, she said the words Emma had waited her whole life to hear. It was the first time she had ever heard the words spoken to her and in that moment, she was sure beyond doubt that Regina would always choose her. She would finally be important enough to be someone’s first choice._

_So much for that._

“Shit! What time is it?” Emma awoke with a start and in her haste to reach her cell phone to check the time, nearly shoved Regina out of the bed.

“Well, good morning to you too,” said Regina dryly, looking on with some amusement at the blonde’s panic.

Emma did not answer, just jumped out of the bed and started to throw her uniform on. She ran towards the bathroom, nearly tripping over the pants she was trying to put on as she moved.

“Emma, relax. It’s only 4:30 in the morning.” Regina’s calm voice soothed her panic, allowing her to sit back down on the bed to finish dressing. Regina watched her silently for a couple of minutes before speaking.

“Who is Lucas?”

“What?”

“Lucas. You said his name in your sleep a few times.”

Stunned, Emma tried to lighten the mood which had grown tense and dark in the room. “What, did you stay awake all night, watching me sleep?”

“I couldn’t sleep. Emma, it’s ok if you’re seeing someone.”

Emma’s eyes flashed in fury and she shoved her feet into her boots. “I’m not seeing anyone, Regina. If I had, do you think I would have let you kiss me last night? Jeez, what the hell do you even think of me?”

Regina raised a placating hand. “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean it like that.”

Emma stood, heading into the bathroom to wash her face and fix her hair. “Whatever, Regina. It doesn’t matter.”

“Of course, it matters.” Emma jumped by how close the voice was to her and whirled around to look Regina in the eye.

“Why? What difference could it possibly make to you if I am seeing someone?”

Regina flinched at that, no answer came to her mind. Was she supposed to admit her jealousy for a potential boyfriend of a woman she hadn’t seen in nearly two decades? Her sense of pride was significantly diminished when it came to what she was willing to do in order to be in her ex’s presence, but that was not something could admit to.

“Just tell me who he is.”

“You know what? _He_ is none of your business.”

The emphasis on the word was not lost. “So, not a ‘he’. Wait, is it she? Do you have a girlfriend?” She ignored the growl of frustration coming from the blonde. “Answer me, damnit! You kissed me when you have a girlfriend?”

“No, _you_ kissed _me_! I only let you.” The pettiness of that statement sounded ridiculous, even to her own ears. “Look, I don’t have a girlfriend. Now get the hell out of my way!”

She reached for the door, but Regina’s hand on her wrist as she touched the doorknob infuriated her into spinning back, getting in the brunette’s face again.

“Don’t touch me,” she spat out. “You lost the right to get a vote in what I do 17 years ago.”

_February, 2005_

_“Are you fucking serious? Regina, I can’t keep having this same fight with you.”_

_“Emma, please. It’s only for a couple of months.”_

_“You want me to let my girlfriend pretend to date a guy for a couple of months? Do you even hear yourself?” Emma raked her hand through her blonde hair and paced the room in frustration._

_“This is it, Regina. Call this off or I’m gone.”_

_“No, please. Don’t go. I, I’ll tell him no.” Regina sighed and turned away from her girlfriend. Despite herself, tears came to her eyes as she went to leave the room.”_

_“Regina, wait.” She turned around, hope shining in her eyes._

_“How would this even work?”_

_“Leo knows my mother is threatening to cut me off because she suspects I am with you. If she does, I can’t keep working on my music and I would have to work full time just to pay rent.”_

_“Can’t we just move into a smaller place or something? Or I can get another job?”_

_“It wouldn’t matter, Emma. My mother is really influential in the world I come from. Short of moving out of state and starting all over again, penniless, my career would be over.”_

_Emma sighed. “What about your father?”_

_“What about him? He’s a wonderful man with no spine or ability to stand up to her. He can’t do anything.”_

_Encouraged by Emma’s silence, Regina pressed on. “Leo is really close to signing me to a record deal. Once he does that, I won’t need my mother’s support anymore and this would all be over.”_

_“Can’t Mal sign you?”_

_Snorting, Regina shook her head. “Mal is a great amateur manager,” she said. “But there’s no way she could pull this off in this short time. Leo has been doing this forever.”_

_“Well, yeah, he’s ancient.”_

_Regina laughed, feeling the conversation shift as Emma considered it._

_“I don’t want to lose you, Regina.”_

_“Emma, you won’t! I promise. I would rather tell my mother to kick rocks and lose my career than lose you.”_

_Emma shook her head vehemently. “No. Music is too important to you.” The silence fell between them again as she considered the options. Finally, she sighed._

_“Are you sure that he will agree to let you go once you are signed.”_

_“I’m sure. I trust him.”_

_“Why? What does he get out of it?”_

_Regina stopped, the first niggle of doubt entering her mind. She wasn’t entirely sure what he got out of it, exactly, but she didn’t want to question it. Not now, when she was so close to convincing Emma that they could have her career and keep their relationship._

_“He gets to sign me.”_

_Emma frowned. She didn’t buy it, but she didn’t see another option._

_“Ok,” she agreed. “He gets 3 months. He needs to be gone by Easter.”_

_“Absolutely!” Regina said, pressing her lips to Emma’s. “Thank you, babe. I love you so much.”_

_“I love you too,” Emma muttered, but she couldn’t ignore the sinking feeling in her stomach telling her this was going to end badly._

Emma stood at the door, shaking in rage. This time, when she reached for the knob, Regina didn’t stop her.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The next couple of chapters will continue to be very flashback heavy as I do not intend to drag the breakup out beyond another chapter or two.


	9. Chapter 9

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ***Please Read***
> 
> This chapter contains two scenes with sexual content. One is gentle, loving and consensual. The other is violent, scary and non consensual. BOTH are explicit and very graphic and I have updated the story rating to reflect it. Please use caution when reading.
> 
> I am putting a brief summary of events in the end of chapter notes for anyone that does not want to read the graphic details, but wants to keep up with what happened with the story

The knock on the stateroom door jolted Regina out of her thoughts. For a second her heart leapt and she all but ran to the door.

“Emma?” she asked, pulling the door open.

“Guess again.” When Mal entered a room, it was like everything froze awaiting her permission to carry on. Today was no different.

“Hello, Mal.”

“Hello, Regina. Is it safe to assume the state I am finding you in is because of the Swan, then?”

The sigh escaped Regina’s lips before she could stop it and suddenly all she wanted to do was crawl back into bed and sleep.

“When you didn’t show up for breakfast, I went looking for you in Swan’s office.”

“You saw Emma? What did she say?”

“She said she didn’t know where you were. That was right before she shut the door in my face. Her manners are truly atrocious, by the way.”

Despite herself, Regina laughed a bit. “Yes, they are,” she agreed.

Mal sat on the bed next to Regina and looked at her friend in concern. She hadn’t seen her friend this upset in years. She was aware that was because Regina had not allowed herself get close enough to anyone since the Leo/Emma debacle to have a reason to be upset, but it was still hard to watch.

“Do you want to talk about it?”

“Do _you?_ This isn’t really your comfort zone, is it?”

Mal hesitantly put her hand on Regina’s knee. “You’re my oldest friend, Regina. If you need to talk, then talk.”

Regina nodded in appreciation, but didn’t speak, so the two friends sat in silence for a few minutes. Mal was her oldest friend, and her closest, but Regina still was not entirely sure she was comfortable having this conversation.

“Regina, talk to me.”

“It just feels strange to talk about my ex….with my other ex.”

Mal laughed. “Regina, we dated for 4 months almost 20 years ago. Pardon my French, but that excuse is bullshit.”

“I treated you so poorly, though.”

“You didn’t. We broke up because we were in completely different places.”

This was true. Mal had been her first girlfriend, and as embarrassing as it was to think about now, she had used the woman to explore her newly realized desires. Mal had been a patient and generous lover, the best first girlfriend a girl could hope for. By the time Regina had realized Mal was been far more serious about the relationship than she was, it was too late to break it off without hurting her.

“We’ve never really talked about what went down between us.”

“There’s nothing to talk about, Regina. We were young, we had some fun and we broke up. I get it, it was harder on me than it was on you. It’s not necessary to remind me of that."

“I’m sorry. That wasn’t what I was trying to do.”

"If you don’t want to talk about just happened with the Swan, then don’t. But don’t use our past as an excuse to avoid talking about the present, because that’s not fair.”

“You’re right Mal and again, I apologize. I just don’t know where to start.”

“Start at the beginning. What happened with Emma and Leo? How did we go from you being in love with the Swan to you being married to Leo in just a couple of months?”

The air in the room was starting to thicken and Regina’s breath shallowed. She wasn’t normally one to run from her problems, but every once in a while, moments came when she understood Emma’s instincts to disappear so clearly that it became painful to stay still.

“Breathe, Regina.” Mal’s voice broke through her anxiety and her breathing began to slow down.

“You hate Emma though. Are you sure you want to do this?”

“She’s not my favorite person, that is true. But you are my best friend and you have been in love with her for as long as I can remember. So, stop deflecting and talk. What happened with Emma and Leo?”

_May 3rd, 2005_

_“He’s trouble, Regina. I know he is.”_

_Regina sighed impatiently as she dressed for her evening recording session. “You’re being paranoid, Emma. Just knock it off.”_

_“You were supposed to quit this when you got the record deal. That was a month ago, Regina. Why does your mother still think you are dating him?”_

_“It’s complicated.”_

_“That is bullshit, Regina, and you know it. You said this would be over by Easter. It’s almost summer. I’m tired of sharing you and I am tired of being left at home every time you go somewhere we might run into your mother.” Emma could hear the whining in her own voice and she hated herself for it. She wished she could be more like Regina and stay calm during these arguments._

_“I’m trying to protect you from her! Trying to protect our relationship. You have no idea how cruel she can be.”_

_“I don’t care about that! Please Regina, end this.”_

_Regina looked at her girlfriend and saw the desperation in her eyes. “Ok, baby. I will, I promise. I’ll end it with him as soon as this CD is done.”_

_“Please, please don’t take him on tour with you.”_

_Regina saw the tears Emma was fighting and pulled her down to hold her in her arms. “You’re the only one I want on tour with me, Emma,” she said, stroking her hair. “Let me call the studio and cancel tonight’s session, ok?”_

_“What? No, Regina, you don’t have to do that. I’m ok, really.”_

_“Nonsense, dear. I want to. Tonight, I want to show you how much I love you. You will always come first with me.”_

_After Regina finished rescheduling her session, she laid beside Emma on the bed and encouraged her to remove her shirt and bra, before rolling her over onto her stomach._

_“What are you doing?”_

_“Shh,” Regina whispered. “Let me show you how important you are to me.”_

_She straddled the blonde and began rubbing her shoulders, placing gentle kisses on the back of her neck. Emma shuddered when she felt the soft press of Regina’s lips on the spot between her shoulder blades at the top of her spine. Feeling the reaction, Regina swept her tongue on the spot, causing a delicious shiver to run through the blonde. She instinctively raised her shoulders to try and protect against the ticklish feeling, but at the same time could feel her arousal start to grow._

_Regina ran her hands down Emma’s back, spreading them out towards her sides, peppering slow, soft kisses as she went. As her hands moved lower and lower, Emma could feel the arousal start to pool in between her legs and she lifted her hips to allow Regina to pull off her shorts. Regina ran her feather light touch down to Emma’s thighs. When she moved the blonde’s legs apart and placed the first small kiss on the inside of Emma’s right thigh, the first moan of the night escaped the blonde._

_Regina smiled without removing her lips and placed herself in between Emma’s legs. Her hands continued downward, running over Emma’s calves, before raising up to lick softly at the area between her thighs. She encouraged the blonde to raise her hips so she could reach her hand underneath and ran her fingers down Emma’s slit, amazed at how wet her lover was just from a gentle massage. She removed her hand, climbed back up to the middle of Emma’s back and whispered for her to turn over._

_When Emma complied, Regina was stunned to see how dark her eyes were. Normally jade green, they turned emerald in color when the blonde was aroused or angry. This shade of green, however, was nothing like she had seen before; any deeper and her irises would have disappeared altogether._

_“Beautiful,” she whispered, taking her place straddling the blonde’s waist. She lowered her mouth to Emma’s breast and took the nipple gently in between her teeth. Emma hissed and grabbed Regina’s hair, the wetness between her legs starting to seep out onto her thighs._

_“Please, Regina,” she whispered._

_Regina ignored her pleas and switched her attention to the other breast, reaching a hand up to knead the one her mouth had just abandoned. Emma closed her eyes against the assault on her senses and desperately began to clench her core to try and contain her arousal._

_Regina’s eyes drifted upwards to watch her lover’s expression and was gratified to see her eyes had closed since she had turned over and the exquisite pleasure she was experiencing was showing clearly on her face._

_She moved her hands from Emma’s breasts to repeat the treatment she had performed on her back. Running her hands downward, placing soft kisses as she went, she pushed the legs that Emma had desperately tried to clench together open and settled herself comfortably between them. Lowering one finger, she ran it through the slit, feeling it instantly coat with Emma’s arousal, and used the finger to slowly circle her clit. A loud groan escaped the blonde, and despite herself, Regina felt a touch of smugness as she listened to it._

_“Tell me how you want me, Emma. Tonight is about your pleasure. What do you want me to do?”_

_“Your mouth,” Emma replied instantly. “I want to feel your mouth on me. Is that ok?”_

_“Excellent choice, dear. I do so love the taste of you.”_

_Regina began by lapping up the liquid that had seeped out from in between Emma’s legs before sweeping her tongue down her slit. She pushed her tongue into Emma’s folds, licking the arousal that drenched Emma’s center. Emma groaned again._

_“Please Regina,” she begged. “I can’t take much more of this.”_

_“Oh, I believe you can, dear. I’m not quite done with you.”_

_She circled the blonde’s clit with her tongue, keeping the touch deliberately light, before finally pressing it against her entrance. Emma’s hips began to buck without her even noticing as she pushed herself against Regina’s tongue._

_“Oh god,” she bit out. “That feels so good.”_

_Regina pushed her mouth further in and raised a finger to coat Emma’s clit with some of the liquid that was pooled there. She put just the right amount of pressure on her and instantly felt the rush of wetness coat the tongue that was still inside of Emma._

_“Oh my god, Regina! Don’t stop, don’t stop, please!”_

_Regina couldn’t answer but she also couldn’t stop the chuckle from escaping her lips and it was as though that rush of air that exited her pushed Emma right over the edge. She gripped Regina’s hair tightly and screamed her name as she bucked her hips hard and came against Regina’s mouth. Regina pushed down hard on Emma’s clit until she felt the shaking stop and the breathing become less erratic._

_When Emma came down fully from her high, she saw Regina had crawled out from between her legs, lips still glistening with Emma’s arousal. She lay down beside Emma and pulled her into her arms._

_“Don’t you want me to return the favor?”_

_“Not tonight. Tonight is all about you.”_

_“I love you, Regina.”_

_“I love you too, silly girl. And I am not going anywhere. I promise.”_

Mal’s eyes widened at the glistening in Regina’s eyes. Regina hated crying.

“What is it?”

“Nothing. I was just remembering the last time Emma and I made love.”

Mal took in her friend’s face, the anguish in her eyes, the tear that was slowly rolling down her cheek.

“Regina,” she said firmly. “It’s time for you tell me what happened.”

\------------------------------------------------------------------------

Mary Margaret listened as Emma described the fight that she and Regina had earlier that morning.

“Why did you two break up in the first place?”

Emma jumped to her feet and began pacing around Mary Margaret’s office. Her hands twisted nervously and she could not keep her eyes in one spot.

“Emma, the door is right there. It’s not going anywhere. You aren’t trapped here, leave whenever you need to.”

Amazed again at the other woman’s insight, Emma sat down o the sofa and began to cross and uncross her legs. “I can’t tell you,” she whispered.

“And that’s ok, Emma. But whatever happened, it clearly hurt you deeply. Sweetie, if you are not going to talk to me and you are not going to talk to Regina, don’t you think you need to talk to someone?”

Emma scrunched her face up in displeasure. “You mean, like a therapist?”

“Is that idea so crazy?”

Emma didn’t reply at first, and when she spoke, her voice sounded harsh and angry.

“Leo,” she bit out, her mouth virtually spitting the word out by force.

Mary Margaret’s heart sank. “Tell me,” she said. “I’m listening.”

_May 5 th, 2005_

_Emma could hear the door open as she turned off the shower. Regina was home early._

_“Babe?” she called out. “I’ll be out in a minute.”_

_Intent as she was on brushing her hair out in front of the mirror, she didn’t see Leo come up behind her until it was too late. Her eyes widened in terror as he grabbed her and put his hand over the mouth. He yanked her to face him and she could smell the whiskey on his breath._

_“Regina is mine,” he hissed, pulling the towel from around her. Instinctively her hands rose to cover herself as best as she could, as she pleaded with her eyes for him to stop. Ignoring her, he opened the shower door and pushed her back inside. Terrified, she stumbled to the shower floor._

_“Please don’t do this, Leo,” she begged. “I won’t tell Regina, I won’t tell anyone, I promise. Please, just leave me alone.”_

_Her begging seemed to infuriate him and he raised a hand to smack her. Her head banged against the wall and though she could see blood trickling down the side of her face, her mind could not register it. Leo stood over her, leering._

_“I can see the appeal,” he sneered. “Too manly for my taste, but I guess Regina likes ‘em like that.”_

_He bent closer to her, his hot breath inches from her face. She struggled to stand up, but he just shoved her back down to the ground with his foot._

_“I’m going to fuck the dyke right out of you,” he snarled. “For as long as it takes for you appreciate it.”_

_Emma wanted to fight, to kick him or scream, but her body was frozen as she lay huddled on the shower floor, shaking._

_“But before I do that,” he continued, “I’m gonna give you something I know you’ll like. All you fucking dykes like this.”_

_With those words, he bent down, pulled her legs apart and shoved two fingers inside of her. Emma cried out in pain as he pushed the fingers in as far as they would go._

_“Please, please, no! Please stop, you’re hurting me!” she screamed._

_“Oh, you don’t like that? Maybe there’s hope for you, after all. Maybe your body knows it’s dick you really want.”_

_Her heart froze in fear. She wanted to beg, but her mouth wouldn’t form the words. Her eyes watched him pull his pants down, but her mind traveled back to the day she met Regina and changed her tire._

_Leo yanked her to her feet and pushed her face up against the wall. He bent her over roughly and pushed himself into her from behind._

_The pain was almost unbearable and Emma could not help crying out. He took the noise for excitement, or perhaps he didn’t care at all what the cry represented. There was no way to know. Disgustingly, he tried to kiss her neck as he pumped inside of her, one hand reaching around to squeeze a breast._

_The urge to fight left her altogether and she allowed her mind to return to the places that warmed her._

_Regina, offering to buy her dinner the first day they met._

_Regina, shy and scared the day they shared their first kiss in the park._

_Regina, singing a love song to a crowd at a night club, her eyes trained on Emma, making sure she knew exactly who the song was for._

_Regina laying on a blanket under the stars, whispering words of love_

_When he came inside her, she vomited, and he shoved her back down in disgust. He pulled his pants back up and left without a word._

_Emma lay on the shower floor for hours, crying before crawling out and getting dressed in the first pair of clothes she found. She grabbed her cell phone and read a text from Regina that had come through while she was in the bathroom. Her recording session was taking longer than she anticipated, and she wasn’t sure when she would be home. She lay on their bed waiting, but Regina never came home that night._

When Emma finished her tale, she was crying so hard, she could barely get the words out. Mary Margaret just held her and rocked her. Calming at last, Emma pulled away.

“Did you tell anyone?” Mary Margaret asked.

“Yes, I told Regina the next day.”

“What happened?”

Emma couldn’t answer. The betrayal she felt back then hit her hard, and she started crying again.

“Emma, did she not believe you?”

“I don’t know! I don’t know. I needed her to hold me, to tell me it was going to be ok, that we would get through this, but she just stared at me, looking so confused. Like she couldn’t understand what I was saying. I couldn’t take it and I ran.”

\--------------------------------------------------------------

Mal did not even try to conceal the horror on her face when Regina finished her story.

“What did you say to her when she told you?

“I couldn’t say anything! I didn’t know what to say. What to do. I just stared at her like an idiot.”

Mal nodded, the pieces beginning to fall into place.

“She looked so betrayed, like she thought I didn’t believe her. But I did believe her, Mal! I did!” she cried, the tears now running freely down her face. “I just froze and before I knew it, she ran out the door. By the time I was able to move to follow her, she was gone.”

“Then what happened?”

“I spent all night and the whole next day looking for her. When I got home, her stuff was gone. Her phone was disconnected. I never saw her again, until 2 days ago. To this day, I have no idea where she went that night.”

“But I don’t understand how you ended up married to Leo.”

“I was so lost, and my mother swooped in and took charge. Leo proposed to me in front of her and I didn’t say anything. She accepted on my behalf. All I wanted to do was run away, but I didn’t know where to go. It was like I was gone, and someone else was living in my place.”

“You need to talk to her, Regina. You owe her that much. More importantly, you owe it to yourself, so you can start to forgive yourself.”

“I married her rapist, Mal. I will never forgive myself. Truthfully, I’m amazed she spoke to me at all these last 2 days.”

Mal had no answer to that, so instead she put her arms around Regina as she cried.

“It’s going to be ok. We’re going to get through this,” she whispered.

Regina cried until exhaustion took over and she fell asleep, Mal sitting by her side, holding her hand.

“Rest, Regina,” she whispered. “When you wake up, we will find a way to fix this.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Mal and Mary Margaret support Regina and Emma as they recall the events that led to their breakup. In the past, Regina vows to put Emma first and they make love, not knowing it will be their last time. 2 days later, Leo breaks in and rapes Emma in the apartment. Regina does not react the way Emma needed her to and Emma ran, never returning home.


	10. Chapter 10

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Mary Margaret and David confront Regina. Regina learns about the fire.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *****Please Read*****
> 
> There was some concern that was raised over Regina's actions in the past chapter. There is still a long way to go in this story, but I want to provide some context.
> 
> For me fanfiction (both reading and writing) is used as a way to process various aspects of my life. In this particular case, it is being used to process some pretty deep trauma.
> 
> I thought long and hard about the last chapter, and almost scrapped the part about Regina marrying Leo. However, this is an important journey for me, and in fact, this particular story has existed in my mind for years before I was able to reach a place where I could write it down. And the reality is, I needed to remain true to the story in my head, because that is the only way I will be able to complete this journey.
> 
> I am of the opinion that it is not the severity of the wrongdoing that determines its worthiness of being forgiven. Everyone is worthy of forgiveness under two specific conditions: 1. They put in the work to earn it, whatever that means for the situation, and 2. The person they wronged is willing to give it to them. 
> 
> For my own sanity and mental health, I need that to be true, so that is how I am going to write this story.
> 
> Make no mistake about it, this story is SQ endgame. It always has been and they will end up together. However, it won't be easy and it won't be pretty, and Regina is going to work to earn to her way back into Emma's life. I totally get it if some of you cannot get on board with that. I respect it, which is why I am telling you here the type of story I am telling, so you don't invest further in a story you don't believe in.
> 
> For all of you that are taking this journey with me, thank you so much. Your support has meant and continues to mean the world to me.
> 
> -Sarah

When Regina awoke, Mal was still sitting in the chair by the bed, looking down at her with worry. Embarrassed, she looked away, but Mal caught her face and forced her to look at her.

“What is it?”

“Nothing. I’m fine.”

Mal barely tried to contain the eye roll at that. “This better not be your nonsense about people seeing you crying.”

“You’ve seen me cry before.”

“I have. So why don’t you tell me what’s bothering you?”

Regina pulled her face away from Mal’s grip and stood up. “It’s nothing, Mal. Really. I’ve just never told anyone that story before and hearing it out loud….”

Mal nodded. “It was pretty brutal,” she said bluntly.

“Do you hate me?”

“I think you hate yourself enough without my help,” Mal responded. “Besides, I’m not the one you wronged here.”

Fair enough.

“I never thought I would feel bad for the Swan, that’s for sure.”

A short laugh, bitter and hard, escaped Regina, despite her black mood. “Miracles never cease, do they?”

“No, I suppose they don’t.”

“What did ever happen between you and Emma to make you hate her so much?”

Mal looked genuinely surprised. “I don’t hate Emma, Regina. We’ve just a couple of unpleasant altercations in which she told me exactly what my place in your life was. I may find her a bit loud and obnoxious, but truth be told, I admire her.”

 _“Especially now,”_ her mind added, but she did not speak the words out loud.

Regina rubbed her temples and caught a glimpse of herself in the mirror. Her face was gray and there were dark circles under her eyes, despite having just woken up from a nap. Her eyes and nose were still swollen and red from the crying.

“You do look a fright,” Mal said.

“Shut up, Dragon,” Regina said automatically and ducked when Mal threw a pillow at her. Most people assumed that Mal was short for Mallory, but Regina was one of the few that knew her parents had been huge Disney fans that had named her Maleficent after the legendary dragon fairy from Sleeping Beauty.

“You’re never going to let that go, will you?”

“You never should have told me.”

“I was drunk! And believe me, I regret it.” But Mal was relieved to see a smile return to Regina’s face even if it did look somewhat forced.

“You know we need to talk about this, Regina.”

Regina shook her head. “There’s nothing to talk about,” she insisted.

“Regina…”

“I’m serious. First of all, I had no business telling you. It isn’t my story to tell, it’s Emma’s. I betrayed her yet again.”

Mal opened her mouth to protest, then closed it as she thought about that. Regina had a point.

“What’s second of all?”

“What?”

“You said, ‘first of all’. What is second of all?”

“Second of all, no amount of discussion is going to change what I did. You’re trying to make me feel better about it, but not only will that never happen, it _should_ never happen.”

“Regina, you’ve tortured yourself for 15 years. I’ve been by your side the entire time, and until 2 days ago, I don’t think I have seen you happy once since the day Swan left. When will it be enough?’

“Enough isn’t the point, Mal. There is no level of suffering that is acceptable or unacceptable in this situation. Despite what you think, I am not ‘torturing’ myself, as you put it, as some sort of penance.”

“Well, what do you call it, then?”

“It’s simple Mal. I can’t be happy without Emma. And I can’t have Emma. Ergo, I will be unhappy for the rest of my life, just as I have been for the past 15 years.”

Again, Mal fought the urge to roll her eyes. “That’s a bit dramatic, don’t you think? Besides, why can’t you have Emma?”

Regina snorted. “Besides the obvious, I am assuming?”

“Yes, Regina, besides what you consider obvious.”

Regina sighed impatiently and pushed her hand through her dark hair. Her headache was building and suddenly all she wanted was for this conversation to be over and for Mal to leave her alone until they left the next day.

“Well other than what we discussed earlier, which is way more than enough, by the way, I….”

“Yes?” Mal asked impatiently when Regina’s voice trailed off.

“I think she might be seeing someone.”

Mal blinked in surprise. The idea that Swan was seeing someone wasn’t out of the realm of possibility, she supposed. But she considered herself pretty observant and from her perspective, no one that looked at someone at another person the way Emma had looked at Regina during the last couple of days could possibly have interest in anyone else. She frowned.

“What makes you say that?”

Regina mumbled something Mal couldn’t hear.

“What?”

“I said, she slept here last night,” Regina spoke up, ignoring the way Mal’s eyebrows shot up. “She kept saying someone’s name in her sleep.”

“Well, what did she say when you asked her about it? I’m assuming you did ask her.”

“I did. She asked me why I cared if she was seeing someone.”

Mal broke into a hearty laugh at that. “And you think I dislike the girl,” she said. “If for no other reason than she puts you in your place, I can’t help but to like her.”

Regina scowled. “She also said she wasn’t seeing anyone, but I don’t know if I believe her.”

“Hmm.” Mal considered the possibility for a moment before throwing it away. “No. Swan may not be my favorite person in the world, but I have never known deception to be in her nature. To be frank, it’s far more in your nature than hers. What was the name?”

“Lucas. I don’t know if that is a first or last name, though.”

 _Lucas._ Mal turned the name over in her head. She was sure she had seen it or heard it somewhere, but she couldn’t place it. Suddenly, she snapped her fingers.

“Come with me,” she said.

“That is not going to happen.” Regina sat back down on the bed and resumed rubbing her temples where her headache pounded in her ears. “Just go away. Tell Captain Jones I have taken ill, and I will have to cancel the remainder of my appearances until we leave tomorrow. Actually, see if there is any way to depart this afternoon.”

“I said, come with me!” Mal’s tone left no room for argument. “Listen to me, Regina. What happened was awful and I know you feel like shit. I am afraid to think about how Emma feels. But I am not going to sit here and watch you feel sorry for yourself. I think I know who this Lucas person is, so wash your face, change your clothes and _come with me._ ”

Regina’s mouth dropped open. She wanted to argue, but her head was hurting too much, and truth be told, her curiosity about this “Lucas” was killing her. As much as she told herself to leave it, and more importantly Emma, alone, she knew she was going to do this. She did as she was told and followed Mal out the door.

They walked until they reached the Quarterdeck, located inside the second Hangar Bay of the ship. Triumphantly, Mal pointed at a mural on the wall. It was an _In Memorium_ display, depicting 9 people. Regina slowly studied each face and name, until she came to the second to last one.

Seaman Apprentice Ruby Lucas.

Her breath caught as she stared at the picture. This girl was special, she knew it instantaneously. Even in the painting, her eyes reflected humor and intelligence. There was no telling who she was, but Regina knew instantly this was the person Emma was dreaming about the night before.

“Sad, isn’t it? She was only 19 years old.” The voice came from behind her and Regina turned around to see Mary Margaret standing there. From the look on her face, Regina could tell she knew.

“Miss Blanchard.”

“Call me Mary Margaret. You know, I came looking for you to tell you to leave Emma the hell alone.”

Regina nodded and opened her mouth to speak, but Mary Margaret wasn’t done.

“But,” she continued, “despite my better judgement, I am not going to do that.”

Regina stared in shock. “Why not?”

“Well for one, Emma would kill me. Besides, something tells me you wouldn’t listen to me anyway.”

“I would, Mary Margaret. I have no desire to hurt Emma more than I already have. I should have requested another tour guide as soon as I saw her.”

“Yes, you should have. And I am not going to ask why you didn’t because I suspect that I know. But that brings me to the real reason I am not going to warn you off of Emma.”

“Why _we_ are not going to warn you off of Emma,” a voice interjected. Regina wasn’t even remotely surprised to see David join them.

“And what’s that?”

“I’ve known Emma a long time. I can’t explain why, but I don’t think she wants you to leave her alone. Believe me, I don’t agree with her. If it were up to me, I would tell you to leave and never come back. But the judgement that you deserve in this case is not mine to give. It’s Emma’s.”

“So instead of warning you to stay away, we will say this,” David said. “Emma is an important member of my staff, but more importantly, she is like a daughter to me. I know that sounds strange, but it is true. As any father would, I am warning you that if you hurt her, you will pay.”

“Understood.” Regina didn’t know why, but she believed him.

“Good. Now, about Ruby Lucas.”

“Yes, who is she?”

“Ruby was one of Emma’s junior Sailors. I guess you could call her Emma’s protégé. I never met the girl, but the other chiefs said Emma kind of took her under her wing and was teaching her all she could about ship life. Apparently, she came from a rough background, and Emma saw something of herself in her.”

Regina nodded. This all sounded well within character for Emma. “What happened to her?”

“Do you know about the fire on the Storybrooke?”

“Just what I saw on the news.”

“Ok. 18 months ago, a fire broke out in a Hazmat storage room, about 3 frames away from the junior female berthing where Ruby stayed. Ruby worked night shift and she should have been at work, but Emma saw she wasn’t feeling well and told her to go lie down in her rack for a while to see if that helped.”

Regina closed her eyes. The horror of what she was about to hear was building inside of her, and suddenly she wanted to beg Mary Margaret to stop telling her the story. She forced herself to keep listening.

“I was in the chief’s mess with Emma when the fire broke out. We didn’t know each other back then, but I remember seeing her when the announcement came out on the PA system. When she heard the compartment number, she ran out of there like a bat out of hell.

“Evidently, Ruby was alone in that section of the berthing, the other side has an easy route to an escape hatch and they got out pretty quickly. Emma tried to get to her, but the smoke was too thick to see, and a section of racks fell down in front of her. When she tried to climb over them, she fell and hurt her ankle.”

“How did she get out?” Regina whispered, and when the other woman did not answer, her eyes grew wide.

“You followed her, didn’t you? You got her out.”

Mary Margaret’s eyes filled. “I had to pull her out kicking and screaming. She was yelling and hitting me and telling me to put her down. She was so sure she could save Lucas, but she couldn’t have. Every single person that assessed the damage in that compartment said there was no way that anyone could have gotten over those racks.”

“That poor girl,” Regina whispered, but whether she was talking about Ruby or Emma, even she did not know for sure.

“Emma is my best friend, but I think part of her will never forgive me for pulling her out. We don’t talk about it anymore, but it’s always there in every conversation we have. She would have preferred I left her to die, and truthfully until earlier today, I never truly understood why.”

Regina could feel the conflicting emotions inside of her, threatening to overwhelm her. Gratitude towards the brunette, crushing guilt at her part in Emma’s willingness to sacrifice her life, pity for the poor girl that had died, but most of all horror at the thought of a world that existed without Emma in it. She turned away, trying to contain the tears that were threatening yet again to spill over.

“You were complaining of a migraine earlier and the sun is really bright out here. Here, these will help.” Mal held out a pair of dark sunglasses and Regina slipped them on gratefully. She turned back to Mary Margaret.

“Thank you,” she whispered.

“Don’t,” Mary Margaret started to say, but Regina shook her head firmly.

“No. Emma may be conflicted about what you did, and perhaps on some level you are too. But I am not. Thank you.” She took the brunette’s hand in her own and hoped to convey how grateful she truly was in that gesture.

“You love her, don’t you?”

Mal was sure she was going to deny it, but evidently, she had underestimated just how vulnerable Regina felt at that moment.

“I do. I have no right to, and it is wrong on so many levels, but God help me, I really do.”

Despite her fury at what she had put Emma through, Mary Margaret couldn’t help but feel a bit of pity for the woman in front of her.

\------------------------------------------------------------------------------

“You have a visitor, Chief,” Petty Officer French called back to Emma’s desk from her position at the shop door.

“Tell Senior Blanchard I will be right there.”

“It’s not Senior Blanchard.”

Emma furrowed her brow. “it’s not? Then who-?” She was cut off by Regina pulling her into her arms and squeezing her tight.

“What the-?” She nodded towards the privacy curtain that surrounded her desk and French pulled it closed, not bothering to hide her grin.

She shoved Regina off her. “What the hell, Regina?! I work here, you can’t just show up and hug me in front of my Sailors like that!”

“I’m sorry. It won’t happen again, I promise. I just needed to feel that you were really here.”

“That I’m really here?” Realization dawned on Emma. “The fire. How did you-? Never mind, I already know the answer. I am going to kill Mary Margaret.”

“Don’t, please. I’m really sorry. “

Emma nodded, the fury she had felt at the brunette’s sudden arrival dissipating into the familiar dull ache in her chest that had been her companion for as long as she could remember.

“Well, I’m here. I’m real. You can go now.”

“Can I say something first?”

Against her better instincts, Emma said, “Go ahead.”

“I always thought that if I ever had the chance to see you again, I would tell you how much I missed you and would do anything not to lose you again.”

“You did tell me that, Regina.”

“I did. And I shouldn’t have, because you deserve a life without having to see a reminder of what was taken from you. Trying to get back in your life was selfish. I just couldn’t bear the thought missing a chance to live without the constant pain of you being gone. But that changed today.”

“Why?”

“Because today, for just a brief moment in my mind, I lived in a world in which you were really gone. And that was worse than anything I experienced in the last 15 years. The shame, the guilt, the loneliness. I will bear it all and I promise I will stay away from you and you won’t ever have to think of me for the rest of your life. But please, please don’t risk your life again. A world without you in it-“ Regina couldn’t even finish the thought.

Emma just stared at her, stunned. Much as she had done the first day on the boat, Regina reached up a hand towards Emma’s face before letting it drop without touching her, then turned to leave.

“Good bye, Emma.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> One minor correction: Regina and Emma's relationship in the past ended up lasting longer than I had originally envisioned, and they broke up in 2005, not 2003. Therefore, it has been 15 years since they last saw each other, not 17.


	11. Chapter 11

Regina knew she should be in a terrible state after the events of the past two days, but she felt a sense of closure after her conversation with Emma. That, coupled with Mal’s continuing presence, had resulted in a sense of relaxation she hadn’t experienced in a long time. She was using her newfound energy to pack her suitcase when a knock on the door interrupted her thoughts.

Well, more of a bang, actually. A pounding? Regina didn’t really know how to describe the noise that was currently happening on her stateroom door. She crossed to the door and opened it to find a furious Emma Swan.

Emma strode in, brushing past Regina. “Where the hell do you get off?” she demanded.

Regina stood in the empty doorway. “Please, come right in,” she said dryly, shutting the door.

“Oh, don’t give me that,” Emma started, but she was interrupted by the sound of water running in the bathroom.

“Mal,” she said as the blonde came out of the bathroom.

“Swan,” replied Mal, lips twitching.

“Are you two joined at the hip or something?” Emma demanded.

“Hardly,” Mal replied, eyes trained on Regina, making sure she was ok. At the brunette’s nod, Mal turned to go. As she reached for the doorknob, she turned and looked at Emma.

“Swan,” she said softly. “It’s good to see you again.”

Emma nodded and Mal left to go back to her own room.

“She knows, doesn’t she?”

Regina hesitated, then sighed. “Yes,” she said.

“God damn it, Regina.”

“I know, I know. I’m sorry.”

“You know Regina, maybe you should try not doing things you need to apologize for, for a change.”

Regina’s eyes flashed, but she didn’t take the bait. “What can I do for you, Emma?” Despite her best efforts, she could hear the irritation in her voice as her sense of calm began to evaporate.

“I want you to tell me who the hell you think you are that you can just jump back into my life like this and then jump right back out again? Why do you always get to be the one to make that decision?”

Thoroughly confused, Regina decided to remain silent, rather than jump to conclusions.

“Say something, damn it!”

“Emma, I truly don’t know what you want me to say here. After this morning, I thought you wanted me gone.”

“I do!”

“I’m leaving, Emma. Either later today or tomorrow. I promise.”

“Not like this,” Emma shoved her hair out of her eyes and paced the room. “I didn’t get to say anything I need to say before you decided you are just going to up and leave without asking me what I want.”

Regina’s eyes widened in understanding. “Emma…..if you have something to say, please say it. I’ll listen, I promise.”

“Would you please quit being so fucking reasonable?!” Emma was clearly frustrated, but Regina had no idea why.

“What do you want from me, Emma?”

“I want you to yell or something. I want to know how you’re really feeling! I want you to fucking get angry, like you used to.”

Regina was thoroughly confused now. “You want me to get angry?” she asked, to be sure. At Emma’s emphatic nod, she shook her head. “But I don’t feel angry, Emma. Why is it so important to you that you piss me off?”

Emma did not respond at first, just continued to pace the room frantically. Regina watched her movements in growing concern. She knew the blonde had trouble sitting still, especially when her stress was high, as it clearly was now. But right now, it looked as though Emma wanted to jump right off the ship and it scared Regina to death.

“You need to get angry, because how else am I supposed to know that I am worth it?” she whispered.

The heartbreaking realization dawned as she recalled their conversation from the previous day. _Someone wise told me once that some things weren’t worth the effort._

Regina swallowed hard and forced anger she did not feel into her voice. “Why are you here?” she winced at the sound of her own voice. “What do you want from me?”

_You’re worth everything, Emma. Even how awful I am going to feel for doing this._

“I want you to tell me why you did it,” Emma raged, eyes darker than Regina could ever remember seeing. “I want you to tell me why the hell you let me walk out the door that day.”

“ _Let_ you walk out the door? Emma, you ran out that door! Do you have any idea how long I searched for you?”

Emma’s sudden appearance two inches from her face was legitimately intimidating, but Regina forced herself to remain still. If it was a fight Emma wanted, it was a fight she was going to get, and pretty soon she wouldn’t be faking her anger.

“Do you have any idea how it felt standing there, knowing you didn’t believe me?”

“Of course, I believed you! For god’s sake, Emma, it was so obvious what happened that I couldn’t have denied it even if I wanted to. Which I didn’t, by the way. Do _you_ have any idea how it felt to come home after working all night to find the person I love most in the world standing there shaking, dried blood on their face, only to have them run out the door before I could process what happened?”

Emma could no longer control the tears running down her face. “Why the fuck did you have to come back?” she cried. “Why couldn’t you leave me the hell alone? You broke my heart and then you come waltzing here with your perfect fucking face and your gorgeous voice and your amazing kisses and fuck me up all over again.”

“You want to know why I’m here?” Regina demanded. “I’ll tell you why! You just disappeared and it…it _broke_ me. All I could think about was seeing you again, getting you to understand how sorry I was. Jesus, Emma, do you have any idea how many USO concerts I have done, hoping to run into you?”

Emma reeled back in shock. “You said you didn’t know I joined the military,” she whispered.

“Yes, well, I lied, Emma. I guess I’ll just add it to the list of things I have to apologize for.”

“I don’t want your fucking apologies!” Emma screamed at her. “You married my fucking rapist!” and just like that, the wind was taken out of Regina’s sails. Fake or not, she simply did not have it in her to fight anymore.

“I did. I know I did, and Emma, that is the reason I didn’t want to have this discussion. At the end of the day, I am at fault here. Nothing we say or do will ever change the fact that I betrayed you in a way that is unforgivable. I have only one thing left to offer you and that is a life free of me. Please, Emma, let me give you that.” She was actually begging, but Emma was already shaking her head.

“No,” she said. “You don’t get off that easy. See, I still want you in my life and you don’t get to decide otherwise.”

“Why? Why do you still want me in your life?”

“Because, Regina,” she said. “I know there is more to you marrying Leo than you are telling me. That’s the reason I came here tonight, because I was hoping you would finally tell me the truth about what happened.”

Regina sighed. “You already know what happened. I let my mother take over my life and when she accepted Leo’s proposal on my behalf, I didn’t argue. My career was the only thing I had left, and I decided it meant more to me than sparing you more pain. That’s it, Emma. That’s the whole story.”

“Right. Except it’s not. I _know_ that it’s not.”

“Emma,” she said, taking the blonde’s hands and drawing them both down to sit on the bed. “I love you. I have loved you since the day you changed my tire in the freezing rain, and it is extremely likely that I will love you until the day that I die. There is literally nothing in this entire universe I wouldn’t do for you.”

Emma opened her mouth to speak, but Regina kept going. “Except for this. Whatever it is you think you know about what happened between myself and Leo, it is just an excuse. You are asking me to abdicate responsibility of the pain I inflicted on you and I cannot do that, even if it is only a small part and even if I am abdicating it to Leo. Please, Emma, I am begging you, if you ever cared about me at all, please do not ask me to do this.”

“I don’t get it. Why are you protecting him?”

“That’s not what I’m doing. What Leo did was horrific and beyond the pale. But he was a monster and it is relatively easy to decide not to give a monster the power to destroy you. He isn’t the one who broke you, Emma. He isn’t the one who broke _us._ I am the one you trusted, and I am the one that broke that trust. Leo may have been the arrow, but I was the one holding the bow.”

“Well, I think you are giving yourself too much credit, Regina.”

“I usually do, dear.” And for a split second the tension broke, and the women grinned at each other.

“Diva.”

“Peasant.”

“You used that one already.”

“Well, it appears I am losing my touch.”

Emma sighed and stood up. “I need to go. If I stay, we’re going to end up in bed together, and that absolutely cannot happen.” For a moment, she just stood still and enjoyed the sight of the always composed Regina Mills completely at a loss for words.

“Wait, what?”

“You think you’re the only one that is still in lo- that still has feelings? It is so frustrating. Every single thing you said is true and I should hate you for all of it. But I can’t help it, when I am in the same room as you, all I want to do is kiss you senseless. So, I need to go before we do something I regret.”

Regina stood as well and walked Emma to the door of her stateroom. “The ball is entirely in your court, Emma. If you say the word, I will leave tomorrow, and you will never see or hear from me again. But if you want me in your life, you need to tell me exactly what you want, because I cannot cause you pain again. We are going to do whatever you want.”

Emma attempted a smile, though she knew it looked more like a grimace. “Do you have a pen and paper?”

“Of course. Somewhere. Hang on, let me check my purse.” When she turned her back on the blonde, she took a couple of steadying breaths. Her sense of closure was completely destroyed, replaced by something that felt suspiciously like hope. She didn’t like the power that feeling held over her.

“Here you go.” She handed the paper over to Emma who scribbled something down and handed it back to her. Regina glanced down at the paper, then looked up again, confused.

“It’s my email address. It’s the most reliable way to get reach me while the ship is out to sea.” This time, the smile felt a bit more natural. “Clearly, talking in person is a bad idea, for so many reasons. But I’m not ready to give you up.” She shrugged. “You said the ball was in my court, but I’m punting it back to you, Regina. If you want to leave and not come back, then do that, but understand you're doing it because it's what _you_ want, not because I asked you to. In the meantime, if you email me, I’ll answer.”

She waited for a response, but Regina was too busy staring at the piece of paper in wonder. She reached over, took the brunette’s hand and put it on her own cheek. Regina looked up in shock.

“You’ve been dying to do that since you got here, haven’t you?” and Regina did not have it in her to deny it.

“I’m not going to come back to see you before you leave.”

“I know.” She lowered her hand from Emma’s face.

“Good-bye, Regina,” was all she said before she left, closing the door behind her.


	12. Chapter 12

_Dear Emma,_

_~~I’m not really sure how to begin~~ _

_~~Its only been a couple of hours, but I already miss you~~ _

_~~I’m so sorry about~~ _

_~~Thank you for the past few days~~ _

__

_Dear Emma,_

_It was good to see you. I will write again once I arrive at home, but I wanted you to have my email address as well._

_~~Love,~~ _

_~~All the best,~~ _

_~~Sincerely,~~ _

_~~Yours,~~ _

_Regina_

The message came through right as Emma was getting ready to go to her evening maintenance meeting. Her heart stopped when she saw the name pop in her inbox, but as she was out of time, she regretfully left it unread.

The 30-minute meeting felt interminable, yet instantaneous. She was vaguely aware of Mary Margaret briefing the group on the tasks that night shift needed to accomplish that night, and she glanced up to make sure French was present and taking notes. There was no way she would remember anything that was said. Though Mary Margaret threw a few concerned glances her way, she did not ask her to stay behind and she all but ran back to her desk to open the email.

_Dear Emma,_

_It was good to see you. I will write again once I arrive at home, but I wanted you to have my email address as well._

_Regina_

Seriously?

Emma read the two lines over and over, but try as she might, she could not discern any hidden messages in them. Rolling her eyes, she stood up to change for her evening workout.

Sweating felt amazing, especially since she hadn’t worked out since Regina’s arrival. She pushed her way through a 6thh mile on the treadmill but didn’t reach the place of frustration that was niggling in her brain. Jamming her finger on the stop button, she noted her time with a scowl.

49 minutes. Pathetic.

“Hello, Emma.”

She nodded at Neal from her place behind the weight bench where she was adding a 3rd plate to each side of the bar.

“Need a spot?”

Shrugging, she laid back on the bench as he took his place behind her head. His eyes widened slightly as she effortlessly pushed through 10 reps, paused for a moment, then pushed back up for 10 more.

“Don’t hurt yourself, girl.”

“I won’t,” she grunted as she replaced the bar with his help, then jumped back up to the weight racks.

“More weight,” she muttered to herself, adding another two plates to the bar.

“Whoa there, Shera. Let’s take 5, ok? We can walk out to the smoking sponson and talk.”

“Don’t want to talk,” she bit out, laying back down. He spotted her through another set, then before she had a chance to say anything pulled the plates off and re-racked them

“Come on, let’s go.”

She shot him glare of pure venom, but he remained unphased. “Humor me, ok? Give me 10 minutes and then we can come back, and I’ll spot you as long as you like, ok?”

“You got a smoke?”

He chuckled. “Thought you quit,” then quickly raised his hands in supplication at her murderous stare. “Kidding, kidding. Yeah, I got you, come on.”

They walked in companiable silence. His easy gait and quick smile had her blood pressure decreasing even before they reached their destination.

“This mood have something to do with the brunette that left today?”

That was the thing about Neal Cassidy. His easy-going nature and quick sense of humor made him so easy to like, but every once in a while he was uncomfortably perceptive. Even as the lines around his eyes crinkled in his usual cheerful smile, his gaze told her he understood her better than she liked.

She shook her head, unwilling to talk about it. Accepting the menthol cigarette he held out to her, she took a deep drag and turned her attention to the water. Twilight had just fallen, and she knew that if she looked down at her hand, she would soon not be able to see it due to the blackness. Remembering how Regina had taken it in her own the night before last, she was suddenly glad she was too late for sunset.

A soft chuckle next to her got her attention and she glanced up, grateful for the distraction. “What’s up?”

“You know, I used to think you had it all together.”

“Me? Seriously? I’m the least together person in the world.” Her laugh, while incredulous, was more self-deprecating than scornful and Neal grinned at her again.

“Seriously. Of course, that was when I first met you and thought you were the most perfect creation alive. Now I know you’re a hot mess, like me.”

She acknowledged his former crush on her with a quick shrug. It was all ancient history. “Yup, that’s me. A hot mess, all right.”

“Here’s the thing, girl. You may always be a hot mess, but right now you look like ….”

“The hottest of all the messes?” she guessed, nudging him in the ribs with her elbow.

“No, not the _hottest_. Just….ok, look. You’re going through something and I’m not asking you to tell me what’s going on. I just want you to know that I see you, that’s all. “She stared up at him, amazed once again at his perceptiveness. “All I’m saying is, if you ever need a spotter or a smoke buddy or a quiet office to hide away in for a while, I’m here.”

Touched beyond reason, Emma squeezed his shoulder quickly. “Thank you.”

“You’re welcome. But are you absolutely sure you want to leave what happened between you and the brunette up to my imagination?”

Her laugh was the first genuine one since bingo night and her need to burn her frustration out on the weight bench suddenly dissipated somewhat.

“You’re the best, Neal. I’m gonna go hit the showers.”

“Night, girl.” He saluted her with 2 fingers before lighting up another cigarette.

\-----------------------------------------------------------------

**_Dear Regina,_ **

**_You’re awful at email, you know that? I’m betting Kathryn handles all your email correspondence. You’re more the type to send handwritten notes on personalized stationary, anyway._ **

**_It was good to see you too. I mean that, even if it was something I never wanted to happen. Hope to hear from you again soon._ **

**_Emma_ **

****

_Dear Emma,_

_I will have you know that I am nothing short of stellar at composing emails and I would no more allow Kathryn handle my personal correspondence than I would eat gas station sushi._

_I am safely back in Vancouver. I moved here a few years ago after Daddy died. It is so beautiful here and it offers some much needed distance from my mother._

_Mal wants me back in the studio by next week, but I am thinking about taking a few months off. A lot has happened and I could use some time to think it all through._

_All the best,_

_Regina_

_P.S. I am happy to send you a hand written note, dear. Would you like me to spray it with my perfume before I mail it to you?_

**_Dear Regina,_ **

**_If your first email ever to someone is 2 lines long and says nothing, you suck at it. Them’s the facts, no way around it._ **

**_I’ve never been to Vancouver, but I am glad to hear you are happy there. I am sorry to hear about your father. He was a good man and I liked him. I think taking some time off is a great idea, but I know you and you won’t be able to do it for very long._ **

**_The ship is boring. Well more monotonous, than boring, I guess. Plenty to keep us busy between drills and preparation for inspections, but I think I am tired of the routine. I hope this deployment ends soon._ **

**_All the best,_ **

**_Emma_ **

**_P.S. Don’t bother with the note, just send a bottle of the perfume_ **

****

_Dear Emma,_

_I’m sorry my email did not meet your standard. I will endeavor to do better in the future. The routine on the ship does sound awfully tedious. I am not surprised you are tiring of it. I remember you being very spontaneous._

_I am truly happy here in Vancouver. The pace is so much slower than in Boston or LA, where I lived for a while getting my career off the ground. Perhaps one day you can come visit me here. What city do you call home these days?_

_How are Mary Margaret and David? You are fortunate to have such good friends, they are fiercely loyal to you, you know._

_A bottle of Clinique Happy is on its way to you, along with a number of other things I put together in a care package. I hope it makes its way to you and that you enjoy it._

_Yours,_

_Regina_

_\------------------------------------------------------------------_

“What the hell did you guys say to her?’

“Nothing, Emma!” The flush on Mary Margaret’s cheeks told a different story, however.

“ _How are Mary Margaret and David?”_ she read out loud accusingly. _“You are fortunate to have such good friends, they are fiercely loyal to you, you know.”_ David winced and exchanged a guilty look with Mary Margaret.

“Someone want to tell me what that is about?”

“All right, all right,” Mary Margaret said, trying to placate the furious blonde. “All we said was that she better not hurt you again. That’s all, I swear.”

“Oh, that’s all, huh? So, I guess she found out about the fire and Ruby from a little bird, then?”

“Come on, Emma.”

“No, listen. You guys are not my parents. You’re barely 5 years older than me. I love you both, but you need to stop, ok?”

“Ok,” they both agreed just a bit too quickly.

“I’m serious, guys. You can’t get involved in these things without telling me. It’s weird and creepy.”

“We were just trying to protect you, Emma,” David protested.

“I know. But you can’t, ok? It’s not that I don’t appreciate it, but I’m 37 years old. I don’t want my friends monitoring my every move, trying to control everyone around me. It has to stop.”

“It will.” At Emma’s skeptical gaze, Mary Margaret sighed. “It _will,_ Emma, I swear.

\-------------------------------------------------------------------------

_Dear Emma,_

_I am sorry that it has been a few days since my last email. I am finally back in the studio and my days have become rather hectic. I suppose that will happen when you start 3 months later than you are supposed to. On top of that, Mal seems to be a bit distant. I think there is something going on with her, but I am not quite sure what it is._

_I miss you, Emma. I know that I should not be saying it, but it remains true, nonetheless. I miss you._

_Love,_

_Regina_

**_Dear Regina,_ **

**_Have you tried asking her what is going on? She’s a good friend, give her a chance to explain what is happening. She may need you but doesn’t know how to say so. Talk to her._ **

**_Gotta go, they’re about to start a drill. More later._ **

**_Emma_ **

****

_Dear Emma,_

_You are right, of course. I will talk to her next week when she comes back from seeing her parents in New York. Thank you._

_I hope your drill went well. I haven’t heard from you in a few days and I miss seeing your name in my inbox._

_Love,_

_Regina_

**_Dear Regina,_ **

**_I had to give away Ruby’s locker today. We got a new arrival in the work center and there were no other ones to give him. French assigned it to him and when I got back from lunch, it was locked and her name plate was replaced with his. Why does that hurt so bad?_ **

**_Emma_ **

****

_Dear Emma,_

_My poor dear. It hurts because you cared about her so much. It is ok to admit that you are not ready to let go of her presence in your work center. I am so sorry you are going through this. Please tell me you have someone to talk to there, so you are not alone. I wish I could be there with you._

_Love,_

_Regina_

_\------------------------------------------------------------------------_

Regina sat at her desk with a glass of cider, looking at her inbox hopefully. She had not heard from Emma in a few weeks, despite trying several times to reach out to her. The phone startled her out of thoughts.

“Regina Mills.”

“R’gina?”

Regina strained to hear the voice on the other end. “Emma? Is that you? Where are you?”

“Hong Kong, I think?”

“You think?” It was impossible not to hear the confusion in her voice. “Are you by yourself?”

A tearful laugh broke out over the phone and Regina could feel her heart begin to squeeze. “I lost Neal,” she said. The hiccup that punctuated the remark confirmed Regina’s fear.

“Emma, what happened?”

“I just want to sleep R’gina. Why can’t I sleep?” The last word of the sentence broke on her tears.

“You can sleep soon, Emma. Right now, we need to figure out where you are and how to get you back to the ship.”

“No! I won’t be able to sleep there! Don’t you get it? I’m the bow!” By now the tears were making it impossible to understand her and Regina was already starting to calculate how long a flight to Hong Kong would take.

“Emma, can you explain what you mean? How are you a bow?”

“Don’t you get it?” Emma virtually shrieked. “The fire was the arrow, but I’m the bow that killed Ruby.”

“Oh, honey, no.” Regina’s heart broke, but she forced the calm to remain in her voice. “You’re not the arrow or the bow or the huntsman. Please, can you tell me if you recognize anything around you?”

“You have to stop writing to me.” The change of topic threw her, but only momentarily.

“All right, Emma. Whatever you want.”

“Every time I get an email from you, I dream about Leo.” The statement made Regina want to cry, but now wasn’t the time.

“I’ll stop writing, Emma. I promise.”

“When you write I get so happy, but then I dream about Leo. And when I don’t dream about Leo, I dream about Ruby and sometimes Leo is trying to hurt Ruby instead of me and I can’t stop him, just like I couldn’t stop the fire. And I just want to sleep, R’gina. I’m so tired.”

“Emma.” She spoke firmly, determined to get through to her. “Listen to me, Emma. You can sleep later. Right now, I need you to look around and see if you can find Chief Cassidy or Mary Margaret or anyone else that you recognize.”

“Good-bye R’gina”

“Emma! Wait, don’t hang up. Emma? Emma?”

The silence coming from her cell phone was the only answer.


	13. Chapter 13

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Some Navy terms to help with this chapter:
> 
> Liberty Plan-A document drawn up detailing what a Sailor's plans are with their free time when they pull into a foreign port.
> 
> Watchbill Coordinator-Someone responsible for assigning Sailors to the various watch shifts that need to be covered.
> 
> Captain's Mast- also known as Non Judicial Punishment. Authority granted to a Commanding Officer to mete out specific punishments for certain offenses against the Uniform Code of Military Justice without going through a court system.
> 
> Shore Patrol- A group of Security Forces tasked with patrolling areas frequented by Sailors in foreign ports to help maintain good order and discipline.
> 
> Deployed Resiliency Counselor- A counselor that deploys with the ship to provide counseling services as needed.

“Shit!” Regina frantically dialed the number that had come up on her caller ID, hoping to reach the bar or restaurant Emma had been drinking at. A voice explained in broken in English that the number she had dialed was a payphone. Her mind raced trying to think of a way to get ahold of help.

The phone rang again, and she snatched it up hopefully. “Emma?”

“It’s me,” Mal’s voice came over the line. “You called me earlier today, what’s up?”

“Never mind that. Do you know how to get ahold of the ship? Emma’s in trouble.”

She filled Mal in quickly on the situation and by the time she finished speaking a buzz on her cell phone alerted her to a text.

“Ok, I just texted you the main number to the ship. I have the Public Affairs Officer’s number as well, but it’s late in Hong Kong right now, so I doubt he will be in his office.”

“Can you call Kathryn and ask-“

“Already texted her, she’s on the phone with the airline. She should be texting you flight information any minute now.”

“You’re the best, Mal. Thank you,” she said fervently.

“Yeah, don’t forget it either. Now, go find your girl.”

Regina dialed the number, waiting impatiently for someone to answer. When she heard the voice on the other line, she interrupted the greeting abruptly.

“I need to reach Master Chief Nolan immediately. It’s an emergency.”

“One moment, please.”

The wait on hold seemed to last forever, as Regina sent up a silent prayer that he would still be in his office. Barring reaching David, she didn’t think she had another choice but to ask the ship to send security forces out to find the blonde. Hoping she was doing the right thing by not resorting to that option immediately, she waited to hear if David would answer.

“Master Chief Nolan, how can I help you?”

“It’s Regina Mills. I think Emma is in trouble.”

David listened with growing concern as Regina filled him in on the conversation she had with Emma.

“You said she was with Neal Cassidy?”

“She said she lost him. I don’t know how long ago that was, though. Maybe she was with other people too? Do you think she could be with Mary Margaret?”

“No, Mary Margaret has duty today. She is here on the ship. Listen, we just pulled into Hong Kong a few hours ago, she can’t be far. Let me go see if I can find her.”

“David, she sounded really confused and out of it. I hope it is just alcohol, but-“

His heart sank further at the news. He knew Emma had been having some difficulty sleeping lately and he hoped that she hadn’t gotten ahold of any sleep aids while she was out in town. Even over the counter sleep aids were dangerous when mixed with alcohol.

“Listen, David-“

“I’m going to transfer you to my secretary. Give her your phone number and I will call as soon as I hear something.”

“Thank you, but that is not what I was going to say. I’m flying out to Hong Kong.”

David wanted to argue, but the determination in her voice changed his mind. He sighed. “Ok. When you land, call this number. I’ll have transportation to the ship worked out and we can figure it out from there.”

“Thank you, David. Please, find her.”

“I will.” His voice was full of determination and something about it comforted Regina slightly. She may not be able to do anything right now, but she wasn’t alone in her fear for Emma’s safety and that made all the difference.

David called the Admin office immediately after hanging up the phone with Regina.

“Get ahold of Maintenance Department and track down Chief Swan’s liberty plan. Then call Media Department and get me a copy of Chief Neal Cassidy’s plan as well.” With any luck, the 2 documents detailing where they were planning to go while out in Hong Kong would match and David would have a starting point to finding Neal, and hopefully Emma.

“Aye, aye, Master Chief.”

He opened the door to his office and saw the yeoman that served as his secretary hanging up the phone.

“Was that Regina Mills on the phone?” At her nod, he began to rattle off instructions.

“See if you can track down Senior Chief Blanchard. I think she has watch later tonight, so she may be sleeping. Send someone to the female Chief berthing to wake her up and tell her I said it is urgent. Then, find the Watchbill Coordinator and tell him I said he will need to find someone to cover Senior Chief’s watch tonight. Once that is done, call the quarterdeck, give them Miss Mills’ contact information and tell them to pass on to the oncoming watch team that when she calls here, probably tomorrow morning, to send 2 Sailors in a taxi to the airport and bring her back to the ship.” The orders came out rapid fire, without stopping for a breath, but his secretary didn’t blink an eye as she scribbled notes.

“On it, Master Chief.” She picked up the phone and started dialing.

Neal’s liberty plan arrived at his desk a short time later, just as Mary Margaret entered his office. He waved her in as he dialed the hotel listed on the document, asking to be connected to Neal Cassidy’s room. Her brow furrowed in confusion as she tried to wipe the remaining bits of sleep from her brain and catch up to what was going on.

“Neal? It’s David. Do you have Emma there with you?” Mary Margaret’s eyes widened in fear as she listened to his side of the phone call.

‘What’s going on?” she hissed, but he held up his hand indicating for her to wait a minute.

“Yeah, I need you to go check. I’ll wait.”

He placed the phone on speaker and filled Mary Margaret in while they waited for Neal to return. “Emma called Regina a little while ago. Regina said she sounded really drunk and confused and that she lost Neal.”

“Did they leave the ship together?”

“Yes, Neal said they had dinner and then checked into separate hotel rooms. He saw her go into the room next door to his own a couple of hours ago and assumed she was asleep.”

“David?” Neal’s voice came over the line. “Emma didn’t answer the door. There’s a bar in the hotel lobby. I’m going to head down there and see if anyone saw her.”

“Ok, Neal. Call me back as soon as you can, ok?”

He hung up and looked at Mary Margaret, twisting her hands with worry. “David, what do we do?”

“I’m honestly not sure. Hopefully, Neal finds her. But Mary Margaret, if he doesn’t find her soon, I am going to have to alert Security and send Shore Patrol over there to help search.”

“David, no. She will be in so much trouble if that happens.”

“She could die, Mary Margaret! There’s only so much trouble we can protect her from, especially if she is in real danger.”

“I know, I know. Just….can we give it a little bit of time before you call Security? At least give Neal a chance?”

The phone rang, interrupting their argument.

“I’ve got her.” Neal’s voice came through the speaker and the relief in it calmed the two immediately.

“Is she ok?”

“Define ‘Ok’” Neal said, but the cheekiness in his voice indicated that she was at least not in immediate danger. “She’s pretty drunk, but she’s conscious.”

“Just alcohol?”

“I think so. We’re back at the hotel, unless you think she should go back to the ship?”

David looked at Mary Margaret, who shook her head emphatically. He sighed.

“Neal, give me the address to the hotel and stay with Emma in her room for a bit. Mary Margaret will spend the night with her.”

“You got it, Boss.”

David was about to end the conversation when Emma’s voice came over the line.

“No! I don’t want to see anybody.”

“This isn’t a choice, Emma. Either you let Mary Margaret spend the night there or I am coming there myself to take you to the hospital.”

Silence on the other end made him growl in exasperation.

“Emma, did you hear me?”

“Ok. But just Mary Margaret.”

David closed his eyes in relief, but he knew they were about to have another problem.

“Emma, Regina is flying in-“

The sentence wasn’t even completely out of his mouth before the protest began.

“No! Not Regina. Please, David, I can’t see her right now.” It was the sob in her voice that convinced him.

“All right. I’ll tell her not to come. But, Emma, tomorrow we need to have a serious talk about this.”

“I know.”

David hung up the phone and turned to Mary Margaret. “Ok, here is the address. Go get some stuff together. And remember, if she looks like she is in really bad shape, you are going to have to get her to someplace safe.”

“I know, David, but you should probably worry about yourself. You’ve got the harder job right now.”

At his questioning look, she elaborated. “You need to convince Regina not to come here. And I don’t know that woman very well, but something tells me that won’t be easy.”

\------------------------------------------------

The phone rang as Regina was closing her suitcase. She had two hours until her flight left, and her driver was already waiting outside her home. She left her phone on her bed and hit speakerphone so she could continue getting ready to leave.

“David?”

“Yes, it’s me. We have her, she is safe.”

The tension flew out of Regina’s body so abruptly that her sense of equilibrium disappeared, and it almost made her vomit in relief. She grabbed a bottle of water and sat on the bed to sip it slowly as she regained control of her body.

“What happened?”

“I’m not sure yet, but I spoke to her. She is very upset, but conscious and alert. Neal is with her at a hotel and Mary Margaret is on her way over there now.”

“Ok. I’m about to head to the airport, but I am so glad you got ahold of me before I left.”

David his hands to his forehead and rubbed his temples, trying to push away the mounting pain in his head. “About that, Regina…”

His voice trailed off and Regina understood immediately.

“She doesn’t want to see me, does she?”

David winced. “No, she doesn’t.”

Regina fought back the wave of disappointment that threatened to consume her. “Ok.”

“Wait, that’s it? I really thought that was going to be a lot harder.”

“David, I know you and Mary Margaret don’t trust me and I don’t blame you. But I really do only want what is best for Emma. If you tell me she is safe and not alone, that is good enough for me.”

“What are you going to do now?”

She laughed, eyeing the decanter of brandy on her dresser and her guitar near her bed. “Now, I’ll do what I always do. Work until I can fall asleep.”

Silence on the other end of the line had her speaking up. “What?”

“Nothing. I just didn’t realize how alike you and Emma could be sometimes.

When she spoke, her voice sounded self-conscious, even to her own ears. “Yes, well. There is that I suppose.”

“Good night, Regina. Thank you for everything.”

“No, David, thank _you._ Can you…”

“I’ll call you once she gets back to the ship and let you know how she is.”

She sighed in relief. “Thank you. Good night, David.”

\---------------------------------------------------------

The next morning, Emma awoke with a splitting headache. Opening her eyes, she saw Mary Margaret on the bed next to her and rolled over on to her side, trying to ignore the worry in the brunette’s eyes.

“I know you’re awake, Emma. Drink some water before-“

Emma’s stomach lurched and she ran to the bathroom before the sentence was finished. Mary Margaret waited patiently until she was done emptying her stomach.

“How much did you have to drink?”

Emma groaned. “Too much.”

“I can see that. Do you remember calling Regina?”

Her brow furrowed as she tried to remember. “Vaguely, I think. How did you know about that?”

“How do you think we found you? You scared the crap out of her, by the way.”

Emma shrugged. Her head was pounding too much to focus on that right now.

“What were you doing when Neal found you?”

“I don’t remember.” That was a definite lie, but there was no way she was going to fess up to trying to hook up with the random girl Neal had found her talking to. She winced in mortification as she recalled his interruption of her very clumsy attempt at seduction.

“All right. Well, we need to talk.”

“No, we don’t.” She pushed herself off the bed, only to be shoved back down again.

“The hell we don’t. You got in mine and David’s face last month for interfering in your life, remember?”

“Mary Margaret, please.”

“No. You said ‘I’m 37 years old, guys. I can handle my problems’. Remember that? You call this handling your problems?”

She rolled her eyes. “Mary Margaret, it was one drunken night after weeks out at sea. Back off.”

“Listen to me, Emma. David and I nearly had to call Shore Patrol last night to find you. If Neal hadn’t found you when he did, we would have. Do you have any idea how much trouble you would have been in for breaking your liberty plan and leaving your buddy? You would be on your way to Captain’s Mast right now and David would have no way of stopping it.”

She raised her hand to interrupt the flow of words. “I know, Mary Margaret. Lecture if you must, but please stop shouting.”

The brunette scowled, but she did lower her voice. “And none of that even matters in comparison to what could have happened to you wandering around a foreign country by yourself, drunk. Do you have any idea how stupid that was?”

Emma opened her mouth to snap back but was startled into silence by the sight of the tears in her friend’s eyes. “Hey, hey, I’m ok. Come on, don’t cry.”

“You could have gotten hurt, or worse. Why do you have to always put yourself in bad situations? Don’t you get that there are people that love you, that worry about you?”

She did not reply, because how did one explain going through the overwhelming majority of their life not mattering to anyone? Her relationship with Regina aside, no one had ever cared what she had done with her time before.

Something, perhaps guilt, perhaps something more important made her put her arm around her friend. “I’m sorry Mary Margaret. I didn’t mean to scare you. I wasn’t thinking.”

“Emma, we live in the same berthing. You weren’t thinking because you haven’t been sleeping. Or eating, for that matter. You need help.”

She wanted to protest, but the sudden memory of the worry in Regina’s voice on the phone the night before, the image of the painted on smile on Neal’s face as he tried to hide his relief at seeing her in one piece, and the sight of the tears in Mary Margaret’s eyes made her stop.

She sighed. “Ok.”

“Ok? Really?”

“Really. I will go down and see the Deployed Resiliency Counselor when we get back to the ship. And I will find a psychiatrist when we get back home.”

Mary Margaret squeezed her hand. “You won’t regret it, Emma.”

Emma didn’t reply. Something told her that she definitely would.


	14. Chapter 14

6 Months Later

“Look alive, guys! We’re in the homestretch now.” A cheer rose up, led by Petty Officer French as Emma shut her notebook. They were finally heading into their last exercise of the deployment. The countdown to home was being conducted in weeks now, instead of months.

“Listen up, everyone. I know we are all excited to get home, but we can’t lose focus now. This last exercise is a big one and our division is going to play a big part in it. On that note, there’s going to be some changes. Instead of running a rotating skeleton crew here at night, we are going to have a full night shift.”

The last few remaining cheers turned into groans, as Emma grinned at them.

“Come on, no need for all that noise. Shifts will be 12 hours long, plus a two-hour turnover period at each shift change. We’re going to be working 16 on, 8 off until this exercise is over. It’s gonna be rough, but I know you can do it.

“Day shift, you’re going to handle the administrative work and respond to trouble calls as needed. Nights, you’ve got the in depth maintenance on the more complex systems that are too busy to shut down during the day. French has worked herself to the bone, splitting all of you into the shifts you will work best in.” She waved at French in an exaggerated flourish and smiled as the group all hooted and hollered for their Leading Petty Officer. French pretended to ignore them as she busied herself with the papers at her desk but couldn’t quite hide the pleased smile on her face at their attention.

Emma waited for the last of the cheers and murmurs to die down before she hoisted herself up onto a work bench and set her notebook and coffee mug down next to her.

“Listen, while I have you all here, I want to say this to you. I know this deployment has been rough and I know that we are all ready for it to be done. But I would be remiss in my duties as your chief if I did not let know that your hard work has not gone unnoticed. You have all done an incredible job these past 7 months.”

She swallowed hard looking out at their beaming faces. When they all stood there in front of her like this, completely at ease with each other, it was easy to imagine how well Ruby would have fit in with the rest of these young men and women she cared about so much.

“I am so proud of each and every one of you. Now, go see French for your shift assignment and get some rest. We start the new schedule tomorrow.”

\------------------------------------------------------------------

_The Day after Hong Kong_

_Archie Hopper was used to Sailors looking uncomfortable when they came to see him. As a Deployed Resiliency Counselor, part of his job was to assure men and women that routinely worked 16 hours a day for months at time that it was ok to take a break. It normally took quite a bit of convincing, especially in the beginning. But in the 6 years and 4 deployments he had done this job, he didn’t think he had ever seen anyone look quite as scared as Chief Emma Swan._

_“I don’t really know why I’m here,” Emma confessed._

_“That’s ok. If everyone knew what they needed, I would be out of a job pretty quickly.” He hoped his lame attempt at humor would help her settle down, but her expression remained unchanged._

_“It’s all right, Emma. May I call you Emma?” At her nod, he continued. “I don’t expect you to know why you’re here or what you are hoping to get out of coming to see me right now. Maybe we can figure that out together as we get to know each other better. Does that sound fair?”_

_Slightly more at ease, she nodded._

_“Ok then, why don’t we start with something easy. Would you like to tell me where you’re from?”_

_“That’s not really all that easy.”_

_“No? Ok, fair enough. Why don’t you tell me something about yourself that you are comfortable talking about?”_

_When she remained silent for the next few minutes, he tried something else. “Would it be easier for you if I shared something about my life first?”_

_“I don’t know. Maybe.”_

_“All right. Well, let’s see. I am originally from Maine, but I traveled quite a bit as a child. My parents were traveling salesmen and they often took me on the road with them.”_

_“That sounds lonely.”_

_“It was, much of the time. Now you tell me something about yourself. Anything at all.”_

_The seconds ticked by and he was beginning to wonder if he would need to try a different approach altogether when she spoke._

_“I’ve been in the Navy for 15 years.”_

_“That’s a long time,” he commented easily. “Do you like it?”_

_“What do you mean, do I like it? I just said I’ve been doing it for 15 years.”_

_“Do you think the question was unfair? I think liking something and doing something are often very different experiences.”_

_She scoffed lightly but replied. “Most of the time.”_

_At his puzzled expression, she clarified. “I like it, most of the time.”_

_“Is your career something you feel comfortable talking about right now?”_

_She nodded cautiously and he sat back in his chair. “Ok, good. Tell me about when you joined.”_

_The door slammed shut right in front of his eyes. He waited her out patiently, but she refused to say another word for the rest of the session. As she stood up to leave, he wondered if he was ever going to see her again._

_Just before she walked out the door, she turned around. “I’m here because my Chain of Command said I have to be.”_

_It was against policy to force anyone to see the Deployed Resiliency Counselor, so he knew that wasn’t strictly accurate, but it also was not that an unusual a statement for him to hear, so he merely nodded in response._

_“Whatever the reason, I’m glad you’re here. Will I see you again on Thursday as planned?”_

_“I don’t really have a choice, do I?”_

_“In that case, I will see you in a few days, Emma.”_

_\------------------------------------------------------------_

“French, when you’re done with handing out the shift assignments, come see me at my desk, ok?”

“Copy, Chief.”

Mary Margaret had snuck in the back door while Emma was talking to her division and now she made her way towards Emma’s desk.

“That was pretty amazing, you know?”

Emma looked up from her computer screen. “What was?”

“I’ve never seen you that open with your Sailors before.”

She shrugged. “You didn’t know me before….well you know.”

“True enough.” Even the casual reference to the fire was startling. For the few couple of months after they had left Hong Kong, Mary Margaret had worried that her friend needed help beyond what could be provided to her on the ship. It became second nature for her to sleep with one eye open, listening for the telltale signs of her friend’s nightmares.

One night, about 2 months after she began seeing Archie, Emma slept through the night for the first time since Regina’s departure. As the frequency of that picked up, Mary Margaret had begun to relax, hoping Emma had turned a corner.

Last month, the ship had pulled into Malaysia for a 4-day port call. Mary Margaret had held her breath, but she needn’t have worried. The trip passed without incident. The two friends had spent the time sightseeing and shopping, before returning to the ship each night for bed.

“I’m just saying, it’s really nice to see you like this.”

Emma rolled her eyes. “It’s not like I poured my soul out at a poetry reading, Mary Margaret. I told my Sailors they did a good job. Don’t read that much into it.”

“And I’m just saying that it’s nice to see. Don’t read too much into that, either.”

“Fair enough,” Emma chuckled. “Sorry. I guess I get defensive.”

“You think?”

Their conversation was interrupted by Petty Officer French knocking on the wall beside them.

“You wanted to see me Chief?”

“Yeah, come in. I’ll see you later, Senior Chief.”

Belle pushed the privacy curtain aside to let Mary Margaret get past her. “That is still a little weird to me.”

“What, the lack of a door?” Emma laughed. “You get used to it after a while. Have a seat, French.”

She did and looked at her Chief expectantly. “Should I have brought my notebook or something? Do you have instructions to pass down?”

“No, no. Nothing like that. And stop looking so nervous. You’re not in trouble or anything.”

Belle relaxed visibly. “What’s up, Chief?”

She hesitated for a moment, unsure of where to begin. She thought back to her conversation with Archie from last month.

_“You’re clearly a driven woman, Emma. You’ve had an incredible career and you are pretty much a lock to become a Senior Chief next year.”_

_She didn’t comment. None of this was new and she knew it wasn’t designed as flattery. She waited for him to make the point he was driving towards._

_“You’ve done multiple deployments, I believe you said this was your 6 th, right?” At her nod, he continued. “Yet, you’ve alluded to the fact that this one is different than the others. Would you like to talk about why?”_

_She let out the breath she didn’t even realize she was holding. They had been pushing their way towards this conversation for some time, but she wasn’t quite sure she was ready for it._

_“Well, I mean. It’s the first deployment since the fire.”_

_He nodded. It wasn’t the first time she had brought up the fire. In the past few weeks, she had opened up about it more and more, although she was still a long way from being able to put it behind her._

_“Is that the only thing that is different?”_

_She sighed. “Regina.”_

_There it was._

_“Are you ready to talk about her?”_

_She thought about it. She really wanted to, but the thought seemed overwhelming. “I…I don’t think so.”_

_“That’s completely fine, Emma. If you’re up to trying something new, I want to offer a different approach. Ok?”_

_“Ok.”_

_“Let’s, just for a moment, say you are right. We are going to establish as a fact that Regina’s arrival on the ship invariably changed the course of this deployment for you and set it aside. We are doing that so that we can delve into those changes without worrying about the cause of them for right now. Are you with me so far?”_

_“I…I think so.”_

_“Ok, close your eyes for a moment.”_

_She complied and he continued. “Let’s take Regina and her visit out of the picture for a minute. Pretend she was never here and that you haven’t seen her in 15 years and haven’t thought about her in ages. How do you envision this deployment? What would have been different?”_

_She kept her eyes closed and thought hard. True, the aftermath of the fire would have made this deployment difficult, no matter what. But would she have been able to cope if Regina hadn’t stirred up all the old fear and resentment?_

_Or, for that matter, all the other feelings she had forced herself to bury all these years?_

_The minutes ticked by as she considered the possibilities. Hesitant as he was to interrupt her train of thought, he spoke softly._

_“I’m sorry Emma, but our time is about up. For the next few days, until we see each other again, I want you to keep thinking about this. If you can identify what you would have done differently, we can put together a plan to rectify some of the decisions that may have been thrown off course. This deployment isn’t over yet and together we can figure out how to make the most of the time that is left.”_

“I owe you an apology, French.”

“For what?” It comforted Emma somewhat that Belle seemed genuinely confused by the statement.

“I’ve been a really awful Chief for you, haven’t I?”

Her eyes widened. “No! Not at all. I love working for you.”

Emma chuckled. “You’re very sweet French, but the reality is, I have not been the leader you need me to be. This is your first time in this type of leadership role, right?”

Belle nodded.

“How has it been for you?”

She hesitated. “I guess it’s been rough. I don’t always feel like I know what I’m doing, to be honest.”

“That’s completely normal in your situation. I should have helped to sort through it all. I should have been someone that you were comfortable coming to with questions. Instead, I left you to figure out by yourself. And to do part of my job too if I am honest.”

She could see the girl struggle and instantly sympathized. The hardest part of military life sometimes was not knowing if the way you were framing your thoughts would get you in trouble with the wrong person.

“Talk to me.”

“Permission to speak freely, Chief?”

She laughed. “As long as you lose the formality, French, you can say whatever you need to. Nothing said in this conversation will be held against you. You have my word.”

“I…thought you were upset with me.”

“How come?”

“You basically stopped speaking to me after I gave Lucas’ locker away. I..I guess I didn’t know how to make it right with you, so I thought I better figure out a way to do my job without getting in your way.”

Emma winced. “Whew, that was honest.” At the look of fear in Belle’s eyes, she held up a hand. “Honest in a good way, French. I needed to hear it.”

She waited for the tension to leave the girl’s shoulders before she continued. “I’m so sorry, French. I was never upset with you. And it was definitely not your fault that that locker had to be given away. It was a locker, not a memorial. I overreacted.”

This was tough. Opening up was tough in general, but opening up to a subordinate? It made her feel about 2 inches tall, but she owed this girl her honesty.

“It’s not a secret that I struggled this deployment. Or that losing Lucas was hard on me. But abandoning you was the worst way I could have handled it. If you’re open to it, I would like to change our dynamic.”

The eager grin on her Leading Petty Officer’s face was all the answer she needed.

“French, you’re young and you’re smart. You’re going to be a Chief in a couple of years.”

“Do you really think so?”

“I know so. I would like to help you get there, if you would let me. I can help you work on your evaluations and help you figure out which qualifications will give you the best shot at promotion.”

“Really?” The eagerness was nothing short of heartbreaking.

“Of course. I should have been doing that all along. You’re my right-hand man, French. Well, right- hand woman.” She grinned at her and was gratified to see her smile back.

“Why don’t you join me in the Chief’s mess on Fridays for lunch for the rest of deployment. We can talk about your career goals and I can introduce you to the right people to help you meet those goals. If I teach you nothing else, remember this: It’s all about networking.”

Belle stood up. “Thank you so much, Chief.”

“You’re welcome. Now go get some sleep. Tomorrow is going to be a long day.”

Once Belle was gone, she stood up and stretched. That had gone far better than she had expected it to, but that wasn’t the most surprising part. What was shocking her now was how badly she wanted to email Regina and tell her about it.

She almost gave in and emailed her, but knew it was too soon. Instead, she made a mental note to discuss it with Archie during their session the next day and left the shop to head to bed.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know this chapter was very Emma centric. Next chapter will be all about Regina and what she has been up to since Hong Kong. I know chapters where they don't interact can be tedious, but please bear with me. I am not trying to rush them back into a reunion just yet.


	15. Chapter 15

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Regina confronts Cora about her childhood.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ****Author’s Note: Please Read*****  
> Trigger warnings for references to abuse, rape, blackmail and conversion therapy. Please do not read if any of these will be problematic for you. As I did in the other chapter with trigger warnings there will be a general summary in the end notes so you can keep up with the plot without reading the details.
> 
> This chapter was as delayed as it was because it has been the hardest one to write to date. Much of what is described here was drawn from my own experience, some from the experiences of close friends. I understand that there are a lot of mixed feeling about Regina’s choices in this story. I want to clarify that this chapter is not designed to excuse her behavior, but to provide context for her actions. 
> 
> I will continue to welcome all comments and engage in the comments section, however I must ask that comments are kept respectful and within context of the story.

6 Months after Hong Kong

Regina stared out the window at the clouds as the plane climbed. Unconsciously, her hand clutched the glass of white wine she was holding.

“Are you ok?”

Pulled from her thoughts, Regina turned to Mal. “I’m fine.”

“You don’t look fine.”

“Well, thank you for that.” The sarcasm in her voice was so patently Regina Mills that Mal couldn’t help but grin. Even when she was clearly worried and distracted, Regina would never allow anyone to insult her. Punching back was so innately part of her nature that she didn’t even think the woman realized she did it.

“May I ask you a question?”

Regina turned to her with a puzzled smile. “You can ask me anything, Mal.”

“What made you decide to do this now?”

Frowning, Regina tried to figure out what she meant.

“Do you not think it’s the right time?”

“Oh, no, that is definitely not it. I thought that the right time for confronting your mother was about 2 decades ago. I was just wondering what made _you_ finally decide to do this.”

Hesitating, unsure how much she wanted to share with her friend, she finally settled on an answer. “The ship changed a lot of things.”

Mal nodded. It wasn’t really an answer, but it was clearly all she was going to get at that moment. Prying further would yield no results, no one changed Regina Mills’ mind once it was made up.

_8 months prior_

_“You look happy.”_

_Regina looked back at Mal as they boarded the plane back to Vancouver and flashed an actual smile. Not a smirk or a sneer, the way Mal was used to, but a genuine expression of joy that had she had not seen on friend’s face in years. Tentatively, she smiled back._

_“I suppose I am.”_

_“How did you and Emma leave things last night?”_

_Regina thought back to the night before in her stateroom. When Emma had handed her the paper with her email address on it and told her she would respond if Regina reached out to her, she felt something long dead inside her spring back to life._

_“Ok, I think,” she replied, trying to fight another smile from crossing her face_

_“Does this mean we can finally give up pretending we’re not looking for her?”_

_“I have no idea what you mean.”_

_Mal laughed openly at that. Regina was many things, but subtle was definitely not one of them._

_“Please, Regina. You have dragged me to more air shows, fleet week celebrations and USO concert tours in the last few years than anyone should be subjected to in a lifetime. If I never see a Blue Angel flyover again, I’ll die a happy woman.”_

_Regina lost the battle with herself to keep the grin from crossing her face. Mal watched as it split her face and wondered when she had last seen her friend look so free. She reached out and touched her arm gently._

_“I’m happy for you, Regina. Just…be careful.”_

Looking back now, Regina wished she had heeded that warning. She was having so much fun sparring with her over email that the phone call from Emma that night in Hong Kong 2 months later threw her completely off guard.

That night, the twin blows of finding out her emails had been causing Emma nightmares and David telling her not to fly out to Hong Kong marked her lowest point in years. Even her career, which had always sustained her during dark times did nothing for her. Music, her constant companion since childhood, went silent in her head and her guitar lay gathering dust in the corner of her room.

“Regina?” Mal’s voice pulled her from her thoughts and she turned once again from the window.

“Hmm?”

“Are you sure you are ready for this?”

Perhaps the question was ill timed, considering they were already on the plane on the way to Boston, but Mal needed to ask it anyway. It had been a long journey watching regain a bit of her spark only to lose it again. When Regina had moved from Boston to Vancouver after her father’s death, she had transformed into a workaholic that functioned on autopilot and caffeine. Now, it seemed, she wasn’t even that.

_Three months prior_

_“Enough of this, Regina!”_

_Regina looked at her with bleary eyes. “Go away.”_

_“No.”_

_In a battle of wills between Regina Mills and Maleficent Sparks, there would never be a winner, and sure enough Regina just sneered at her and poured herself another drink. Mal snatched the bottle from Regina’s hand in disgust. “Really? Jack Daniels? I expected something a bit more top shelf from you, Regina.”_

_“Fuck off.”_

_In 20 years, Mal could count on one hand the number of times she had heard Regina curse, and it would probably be funny if it weren’t so disturbing. She poured the bottle down the sink and dragged her friend to her bedroom. Regina started laughing once Mal began to help her change her into pajamas._

_“Trying to get me naked? I knew you still liked me.”_

_Mal rolled her eyes. “You’re a bitch when you’re drunk, did you know that?”_

_“I’m a bitch all the time.”_

_Suddenly tired of playing around, Mal turned down the bed and helped Regina into it. “You can be, yes. And normally I would wait until you were sober to tell you this, but I haven’t seen you without a drink in your hands in weeks, so I’ll just tell you now that I am getting pretty sick of your shit. You need to get it together, Regina.”_

_She had no idea if Regina heard her or if she was even awake at that point. She loved her friend, but she wasn’t sure how much more of this she could take. She took her normal place on the glider chair in the corner of the room and dozed off._

_“I’m sorry.” Even though the words were spoken in a whisper, they woke Mal instantly._

_“Regina? What time is it?”_

_“4 in the morning.”_

_She sat up, trying to clear her head. She hadn’t had many opportunities to have this conversation with her friend and she wasn’t going to miss this one._

_“Regina, talk to me. What’s got you like this?”_

_“I’m so sorry,” she repeated._

_“For what? Please, talk to me.”_

_Even in the dark, Mal could see the tears. She wasn’t sure just how drunk Regina still was, but if she was still tipsy enough to finally be honest, Mal wasn’t going to let the chance slip by her._

_“I mess everything up.”_

_Mal scoffed. “Hardly.”_

_“It’s true. My career has gone down the tubes. I haven’t written anything new in months.”_

_She sighed. “May I come sit on the bed with you?” At Regina’s nod, she sat down and put her arm around her. “Your career will be fine. It is ok to take a break from writing every once in a while. You work too hard as it is.”_

_“The music is gone, Mal. I haven’t felt anything in months.”_

_“It will come back, it always does. But Regina, this isn’t the way to bring it back.”_

_The room was suddenly quiet. In the corner the clock ticked, but there was nothing else to break up the eerie silence. She waited, but when Regina didn’t say anything else, she gently helped her lay back down and returned to her chair. Sometimes, Regina needed a bit of distance to feel comfortable._

_“Regina? Are you asleep?”_

_“No.”_

_She hesitated before speaking again, knowing Regina might well kick her out for this. But still, it needed to be said._

_“Regina, the music….it doesn’t need to be tied to Emma, you know. It is ok to let Emma go and find inspiration somewhere else.”_

_She heard the sniffles as Regina choked back the tears. “I don’t know if I can do that, Mal. I don’t know where else to look.”_

_“That’s easy. Look inside yourself.”_

As the plane prepared to land, Regina grew more nervous. Like Mal, she also wasn’t sure she was ready for this, but she also knew that this had been holding her back for far too long.

“You don’t have to do this, you know.”

“You told me to look inside myself. Until I get rid of the hold she has on me, she will always be what I see when I do that. Hers is the only voice I hear in my head when the music isn’t there to quiet it.”

Mal nodded. Regina had suffered too many losses at the hands of Cora Mills for too many years and it was high time it was done.

“Do you want me to come with you?” she offered.

“As sweet as that is, I don’t think so. This is something I need to do myself.”

\---------------------------------------------------------------

Cora Mills jumped slightly when the door to her home office shut.

“Regina,” she said coolly. “Was I expecting you?”

“Nice to see you too, Mother.”

Cora stood up and poured herself a glass of brandy from the decanter on the bar in her office. She silently offered her daughter one, but Regina shook her head. Dealing with her mother required the full use of her faculties.

“So, tell me. To what do I owe the pleasure of this unexpected visit?”

Regina looked around at the impeccably decorated black and white office. As a young child, she used to sit in the oversize chair when her mother was out and pretend to do all the fascinating things Cora did.

Back then, Regina had wanted nothing more than to be like Cora one day. That had started to change the day Cora caught her sitting in her chair and told her in no uncertain terms that she was far too stupid to ever be able to do the job.

She had been 6 years old at the time and she had never entered the office alone again.

“I came to give you this.” She handed over the folded check in her hand, made out to her mother for 250,000 dollars. Cora glanced at it then threw it down on her desk with disinterest. “Will it clear?”

Everything inside of her wanted to take the bait, but she didn’t respond to the insult. Instead she waited. For all her poise, her mother didn’t deal well with silence.

“What is it for?”

“It is repayment for the money you gave Leo for my first record deal, Mother. I always suspected you greased the wheels for that, but I found the evidence in Leo’s records after he died.”

“After you killed him, you mean?”

Regina rolled her eyes. “I didn’t kill Leo, Mother. You know that perfectly well.”

“You may as well have. Your ridiculous accusation about that tramp you shacked up with drove him to drink.”

Regina didn’t bother to answer. Yes, Leo had drank a lot after their marriage and yes, he had gotten himself killed in an accident while driving drunk that thankfully did not hurt anyone else. But Regina had far too much to feel guilty about already and she was not about to take responsibility for that as well.

“He spent his whole life with you in fear that you would go to the press or the authorities with that baseless accusation.”

Regina trembled in rage at hearing her mother call the accusation baseless. “I should have,” she hissed. “Not exposing Leo for the disgusting rapist he was is truly the greatest regret of my life.”

Cora leaned back in her chair, completely unbothered. “You and I both know that you couldn’t do that. I would have helped him sue you for slander.”

“Actually, what you and I both know is that I couldn’t care less if he sued me. That was never the reason I didn’t say anything.”

_October, 2005_

_“I don’t want to marry Leo, Mother. I don’t want this life!” She hated how pleading her voice sounded. She was 24 years old and her mother should not be able to do this. She wouldn’t allow her to._

_“You are doing this, Regina or so help me, you will never see another penny from me.”_

_“Keep your blood money, Mother. I don’t want it. Emma was right, I should have refused it from the beginning.”_

_The evil smile on Cora’s face was chilling. “Ah yes. Emma. How is she, by the way?”_

_A cold dread entered Regina’s heart. She couldn’t tell how much her mother knew, if she was aware that Emma was gone. “Why do you want to know?”_

_Cora did not reply, just walked back to her desk instead. Narrowing her eyes, Regina decided to end the conversation and return home as quickly as possible. She would never marry Leo, she knew that. Instead, she would hire the best private detectives to find Emma and she would beg her forgiveness. They could leave Boston together and decide what they wanted to do about Leo._

_Silently, she vowed to be Emma’s rock. She would hold her and support whatever decision she made regarding what had happened. She would stay up with her when the nightmares inevitably hit and she would never, ever let her go again._

_She would do all the things she wished she had done that night._

_“Tell me, would you like to find out what happened to your little friend?” The smirk on Cora’s face made her heart freeze in fear again, as she looked at the folder in her mother’s hand. She made no move to take it from her._

_“Regina, believe me when I tell you that you want to see what I have in this file.”_

_Regina could take the suspense no longer. She took the folder and spread the contents on the desk before her. Desperately, she tried not to react to what was in front of her, but the nausea rising in her stomach was becoming overwhelming._

_Photos. So many of them. Pictures of them in the park, at restaurants, holding hands, kissing. So many others that proved that Cora must have had them followed all through their relationship. Bravely, she tried to bluff._

_“So what? Emma is out of the closet and the only one in this family embarrassed by my sexuality is you, Mother.”_

_“Do you even know where Emma is? You should look at the papers in the file more closely.” She waited until the realization of the papers she was holding dawned on her daughter. “That’s right Regina. She joined the military. What a brave girl to join in such tumultuous times.”_

_Regina thought back to the conversations she had had with Emma in the past about this. She was well aware that Emma had often said that if she had no where else to go, she would join without hesitation. She mentally kicked herself for not thinking of it sooner._

_“Do you know what they do to gay people in the military, Regina? If her secret gets out, she will be harassed, probably assaulted. And then they will kick her out, likely without any benefits.”_

_“Don’t do this, Mother.”_

_“Let me make myself perfectly clear, darling daughter. If you don’t marry Leo, these photos will be mailed to Emma’s Chain of Command.”_

_“Mother, please. I am begging you. If you have ever cared about me at all, please don’t do this.”_

_Cora’s laugh was cold. “Begging is unbecoming, Regina. But it is oh, so fitting for you.” She reached out and cruelly grabbed her daughter’s shoulders. The motion brought back memories of being powerless in her mother’s grasp so many times over the years. She tried to use it to fuel her anger to tell her mother to get lost, that she would never get between her and Emma. Sickeningly, though, all she could feel was the familiar, cold fear that had haunted her childhood._

_“You will marry Leo in a ceremony fitting for a Mills. You will then wait an appropriate amount of time and provide me with a grandchild. In return, I will allow Leo to manage your career and you can become the musician you always wanted to be.”_

_“And the file?”_

_“It will be destroyed on the day my first grandchild is born. Do we have a deal?”_

_Defeated, Regina’s head dropped. “Ok,” she whispered._

“You always were a disappointment, Regina. I expected that from you once it became clear what a useless stupid child you were. What I did not expect was the embarrassment of your lifestyle choices. You still cavort with women to this day. And I have yet to hold a grandchild in my arms.”

Regina didn’t bother telling her that she never would have allowed her mother anywhere near any child she had. Instead, she shook her head.

“I didn’t come to discuss my lifestyle with you. You have your money, now I expect you to leave me alone.”

“And if I don’t?”

Eyes blazing, Regina slammed her hand on the desk. “If you don’t, there will be a reckoning for everything you’ve done. I’m not a scared little girl anymore and I’m not afraid to tell people about what you did to me growing up.”

She pointed her finger in Cora’s face. “All the nights I spent locked in the closet because my bad dreams were disturbing you. Every time you went days without feeding me so that I wouldn’t gain weight. Every time you hit me and called me stupid.” She pointed at the scar on her upper lip. “And let’s not forget about this. It will all come out.”

Cora tried to hide her fear, but Regina had spent years afraid and she could recognize the signs. “You can’t prove anything.”

“Yes, because that will make a difference when it comes to your precious reputation.” This was the side of her personality that was so very much like Cora’s own that she normally hated it. Today, though, it made her feel strong and powerful. It gave her the strength to play a trump card of her own.

“How about that place you sent me after you found out about Maleficent and me?” She waited for this to sink in. “I’m thinking of a sit-down interview special with Katie Couric. We could call it An Evening with Regina Mills. What do you think?”

She smiled widely at her mother’s white face. “Yes, people these days don’t like those types of places. The tide has shifted against you.”

She could feel the old panic rise in her throat when she thought of that camp.

The lifeless looks in the girls’ eyes.

The hours spent praying until their knees bled.

The muffled cries in the middle of the night.

The humiliation of being forced to share intimate experiences with strangers, only to have them ridiculed and picked apart. The degradation of the whole experience.

Instead of fighting the panic, she embraced it and allowed it to push her forward. Once, she had been desperate for strength to turn her fear into anger. Now, 15 years later she was finally ready to wield that weapon and slay this monster once and for all.

“If you leave me alone and never contact me again, your reckoning will be to spend the rest of your life alone. Daddy is dead and you will never see me again. But try to come near me or try to retaliate against Emma or Mal or anyone that I care about and this all comes out.”

She turned to leave the office but turned back when she heard her mother get up. She whirled back around and stood still for a moment, staring her mother down. When Cora sank back into her seat, she once again went for the exit.

“Don’t test me Cora Mills. You have no idea what I am capable of.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> After Emma's phone call from Hong Kong, Regina falls to drinking and depression. Challenged by Mal to look inward for inspiration, she decides to confront Cora about the abuse of her childhood.
> 
> We learn that Regina was blackmailed into marrying Leo by Cora and that Leo died in a drunk driving accident. Before she leaves, Regina warns Cora away from her her and the people she cares about.


	16. Chapter 16

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Still apart from each other, Regina and Emma continue to struggle with their feelings.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The updates are about to start coming a lot faster. I am anticipating an update every day or two for the next couple of weeks until my next semester starts.

When Regina left her childhood home, it was with a sense of purpose and finality. Whatever else happened in her life, she knew she would never return there. She had closed the book on her relationship with Cora Mills, and she hoped with all her heart that the woman would not force her to write yet another chapter in the twisted saga that was their lives.

“Are you ok?”

Regina looked up in surprise to see Mal standing outside the front gate. “What are you doing here?”

“I was worried about you.”

“I’m fine,” she reassured her friend. “Definitely ready to get out of here, though.”

“Do you want to go for a drink?”

“Shockingly, no. I wouldn’t mind a walk, though.”

Mal nodded and the two women walked aimlessly through the city for a time. They were mostly silent during their walk, occasionally allowing for a moment of nostalgia as they passed through familiar areas.

“Do you want to talk about it?” Mal asked finally, unable to take the silence anymore.

“I don’t, actually.”

The silence fell again until Regina felt the need to elaborate. “I’m sorry, Mal. I just can’t right now.”

“It’s ok. I understand.”

The neighborhood they were in began to look familiar. With a start, Regina realized where they were. When she looked up at Mal, she could see the sad smile already on her face.

“So, I guess I will see you later, then?” Mal asked and Regina returned the smile in kind.

“Thank you for understanding, Mal.”

“It’s fine. Just….don’t wallow too much, ok?”

Regina nodded and hugged her friend. “I won’t be long,” she promised.

Once Mal left, Regina turned right and walked the 2 blocks to her old apartment. Though she technically owned the apartment, she had not been back since Emma had left.

Amazingly, it looked the same. The cleaners came once a month to air the place out and make sure the dust didn’t get too thick, but other than them and the maintenance person that the property manager hired, no one had been back in almost 15 years. The air was rather musty, but Regina barely noticed it when she entered her old bedroom for the first time in half a lifetime.

_“That sounded incredible,” Emma said when Regina stopped playing._

_“Oh, did you like that?” Regina smirked at her girlfriend._

_“You know I did.”_

_“I’m glad to hear it.” Her arms came up and circled Emma’s waist_. _“I wrote it for you, you know.”_

_“Oh really?”_

_“Yes, really.” Regina laughed and pulled her girlfriend down on the bed. “Why don’t you show me how much you liked it?”_

_“Not a problem.” Emma pushed her back gently onto the pillow and laid down on top of her, covering her mouth with her own. The kisses quickly turned passionate as Emma pushed Regina’s shirt up and ran her hands down the sides of her body._

_“Mmmm. I guess you really did like it,” Regina panted as she opened her mouth further to allow Emma’s tongue in._

_“Oh, I did. But that’s not what did it.”_

_“Oh?”_

_“Yup.” Kiss. “It’s your voice.” Kiss. “And your gorgeous mouth.” Kiss. “And your sexy body.” Kiss._

_Regina closed her eyes as the sensations overwhelmed her. No one had ever made her feel so loved and cherished as this woman. No matter what, she was never going to let her go._

Something caught her eye and she walked up to the closet. A dark blue silk blouse still hung there, strict orders to her property manager ensured that it had not been disturbed.

_“Is that my shirt?”_

_A sheepish smile accompanied the reply. “Yes?” Her voice sounded uncertain. “I had a job interview and all my clothes looked like crap.”_

_“Well, you don’t look like crap right now,” she assured her. “How did the interview go?”_

_“It went….well. Really well, actually.”_

_A delighted smile spread across Regina’s face. “That’s amazing, sweetheart. I want to hear all about it.”_

_“Yeah?”_

_“Yes. Later. Right now, I want to enjoy the sight of you in that shirt.”_

_“So, you’re not mad, then?”_

_Regina looked at her puzzled. “Why would I be mad?”_

_“That I took your shirt without asking.”_

_“Emma, you’re my girlfriend. You don’t have to ask to borrow my clothes.”_

_She was busy putting away the groceries that she had bought, so she missed the look on Emma’s face when she said that. When she turned back around, she took in the stunned amazement in confusion._

_“What?”_

_“I’m your….girlfriend?”_

_A moment of panic set in. “Aren’t you? I mean, do you not want to be?”_

_The smile that lit up Emma’s face could have melted the coldest of hearts. “Yeah. I really want to be.”_

_“Good,” she said, relieved. “Now, let’s go celebrate. I want to see you in my shirt.”_

_“I’m already in your shirt.”_

_“I want to see you in my shirt and nothing else,” she clarified, and they hurried back to the bedroom together._

Regina walked to the closet and slowly took the shirt down from its hanger. She lifted it to her face and though it made no sense, she could swear that she could still smell the faint scent of Emma’s perfume on it.

 _“Don’t be absurd,”_ she ordered herself. _“You’re 39 years old, it’s time to stop being so damn sentimental.”_

Try as she might, though, she could not hold back the tears when she sat down on the bed. She clutched the blouse to her face and cried.

\--------------------------------------------------------------

“You look tense today, Emma,” Archie commented.

She nodded. “I’m ready,” she said.

“Ready?” he asked, reaching for his notepad.

“Yes. I’m ready to talk about….”

He understood at once, but still wanted to hear her say it, so he waited patiently.

“Regina.” The word came out in a half whisper.

He could not help himself; he felt a surge of pride when he looked at her. In six months, she had gone from being afraid to talk about anything and everything to willingly bringing up the topic she had been actively avoiding in their sessions.

“Tell me.”

She tried but found herself at a loss for words. “I…I don’t really know where to start.”

He nodded in understanding. “Ok, then. Close your eyes.”

She complied and waited for further instructions. He said nothing as she sat in silence for a few minutes.

“Can you see her?”

“Yes.”

“What does she look like?”

Her breath came out raggedly. “She’s beautiful. The most beautiful woman I’ve ever seen.”

“What makes her so beautiful?”

That was a tough question. Regina _was_ the most beautiful woman Emma had ever laid eyes on, that was objectively true. But somehow when she pictured her with her eyes closed, it wasn’t her perfect skin or her chocolate eyes or stunning body that she saw. It was…

“Her smile.”

“Tell me about it,” he encouraged softly.

“Regina is always in complete control of her expressions,” Emma explained. “She never shows any emotion that she doesn’t want to. She has a smirk that she uses when she is amused and she has this…like, professional smile she uses all the time.”

Her voice grew softer. “But sometimes, every once in a while, when she is really happy….she drops her guard and she has a smile that just makes her whole face light up. I used to try to make that smile come out every chance I get.”

“How did you feel when you were successful in getting her to smile?” he probed.

“On top of the world. Like I had the privilege of loving the most amazing being on earth, but also that I was the most loved person in the world. Nothing else mattered except us and how we felt.”

“That sounds intense,” he noted.

“It was,” she agreed. “We were young.”

“Why do you think that was important?”

“It was my first time in love. Hers too. It felt like it was never going to end, but at the same time that it was doomed.”

“Do you believe that first love is always doomed to fail?”

“No, not really. But me and Regina….we burned so hot, there was no way it could be sustained. I needed her like I needed air to breathe. Then, when she did what she did, it felt like I really couldn’t breathe at all.”

“Would you like to talk about what she did?”

She tried, she really did. But even though she had successfully told the story a few months earlier to Mary Margaret, the nausea rose in her stomach as soon as she attempted to explain. He could see the shift in her immediately.

“It’s ok if you are not ready,” he said. “Clearly it was very painful.”

“I want to tell you.” She fought back the tears as she spoke. “I really do, I just don’t know how.”

He knew enough about her by now not to push her. She would likely just shut down and not speak for the rest of the session. He sat quietly as she lost the battle with her tears.

“I was raped.” When she spoke, it was so softly, he nearly missed it.

“I’m so sorry.” He didn’t understand what that had to do with Regina, but he was sure it would become clear in time.

“It all changed that day. Before that happened, I thought she loved me and would never hurt me.”

“And now?”

“Now…I don’t know. She still loves me, I know that much.”

“Do you still love her?”

The dam burst and the tears turned into sobs. He said nothing, giving her the space to cry as she needed to.

“Damn it. I hate crying.” He smiled at that, but still waited until he was sure she was done.

“Why was that question so hard to answer, Emma?”

She thought about it, remembering a young girl with sparkling brown eyes and the voice of an angel that had made her feel like the center of world.

“Because I know I can never forgive her,” she whispered. “But I also know that-“. She stopped speaking as she remembered more.

_“Well, all right then, Ser Knight. What shall I call you?”_

_“Emma. Emma Swan.”_

_“Hello, Emma Swan. I’m Regina Mills.”_

She looked up once again at Archie’s kind face, so filled with compassion.

“I also know that I still love her.”


	17. Chapter 17

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Emma and Regina take their first steps towards reconnecting.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I was trying to publish this yesterday for Thanksgiving, but I ended up re-writing several times. Still not 100 percent sure if it ended up the way I wanted it to, but here it is nonetheless.

Thanksgiving on aircraft carrier was always an interesting event. This wasn’t the first major holiday that Emma had spent on a ship during deployment, so she was not surprised by the air of melancholy that hit her when she entered her work center that morning. There was no morning maintenance meeting that day and the ship was on a holiday routine. Her Sailors were clearly restless.

Other than emergencies, there would be no maintenance that day. Though it was a sweet gesture by the ship to postpone all work for the day to give them a holiday break, Emma wasn’t really sure what they would do to pass the time.

Several of her Sailors were on the computers, emailing their families. Some others were gathered around a workstation, playing poker using pretzels as chips. The sight of that made Emma chuckle; she could remember vividly being a seaman on her first deployment, playing cards to kill time when the workload was low. Sailors and card games went together like peanut butter and jelly. It was just the way things were.

“Want to play, Chief?” asked one of her Sailors.

It was on the tip of her tongue to refuse, but then she shrugged instead. “Sure, why not?”

They dealt the next hand and soon Emma was caught up in the competitive spirit of the game. She found herself laughing out loud as her Sailors gossiped and cracked jokes and the next hour or so passed pleasantly as she realized she was genuinely having fun.

“Hey Chief, can we see if the Armed Forces Network is showing the Cowboys game?” one of her Sailors asked. He was holding the remote hopefully.

“Of course!” she agreed cheerfully. A football game might be just the distraction they needed.

The TV in the shop flicked on and channels were scrolled through rapidly. There were only a few channels available to them: 3 Armed Forces Network channels, a channel that depicted the flight deck operations, a couple of in house movie channels, and an entertainment channel that was run by media department under the direction of her friend Neal Cassidy.

“Hey, what’s that?” someone asked suddenly, and the scrolling paused on the entertainment channel.

“It’s the video of Regina Mills’ concert from the beginning of deployment! Can we watch it, Chief? Please?”

Belle looked up from her computer, ready to intervene if necessary, but Emma’s smile did not falter.

“Sure,” she agreed.

The card game came to a natural stop as the group watched the concert. Regina’s voice filled the room and despite herself Emma found she was enjoying it. Regina was incredibly talented.

The request portion of the concert was playing and suddenly Emma saw herself on the TV.

_“How about you, Chief Swan? Anything you would like to hear?”_

_“Turns out, I’m not that familiar with your work, Miss Mills.”_

_“That’s ok. Try me.”_

_“How about Sweet but Psycho?”_

_Laughter and applause in the hangar bay. “Well played, Miss Swan.”_

“Aww, you’re blushing, Chief!” one of her Sailors teased and she shook her head and laughed at them.

Their attention back on the concert, Emma watched until Regina began to sing “Human.” Then, just as she had the night of the concert, she left.

\-------------------------------------------------------

“Emma? What brings you here?”

Emma looked at Archie in confusion. “It’s Thursday,” she pointed out. “We always have session on Thursday.”

“My apologies. I assumed you would not be coming because of the holiday.”

She flushed and turned to go. “I’m so sorry, I didn’t even think of that. I’ll go.”

“No, no. Not at all. Come on in.”

“I don’t want to intrude on your holiday,” she began, but he just laughed.

“Emma, I’m on deployment, same as you. You’re looking at my holiday. Please, come in.”

She sat down and didn’t wait to start talking. “I can’t stop thinking about her.”

“Regina?”

She nodded quickly. “I saw her today,” she explained. “Well, not really, but they were playing the video of the concert on TV today.”

“Oh, yes. I heard about that. What made you decide to watch it?”

She shrugged. She could blame it on not wanting to ruin everyone’s excitement when they found the concert, but she knew it would be a lie.

“I guess I wanted to.”

Impressed at the honesty of the answer, he probed further. “Why did you want to?”

“Because I miss her.” The answer came out faster than he expected.

“How did it feel to see her face?”

“It felt…good. Like, ridiculously good. Way, way too good.”

“Can you elaborate? Why too good?”

For the first time since the start of that session, she hesitated in her answer. Then, instead of answering his question, she asked one of her own.

“Archie? Do you think that some things are unforgivable?”

He considered the question thoughtfully. Not the reason for asking, he was fairly certain he knew why she was asking, but the question itself. As of yet, he did not know exactly what had happened between the two women, so he knew he needed to tread carefully.

“I think what matters is whether _you_ think that some things are unforgiveable.”

Emma laughed and shook her head. “I’m not gonna lie, Archie. That answer feels like a cop out.”

He laughed along because she wasn’t entirely wrong, but her laughter stopped abruptly.

“Regina married my rapist.”

Suddenly grateful for his years of practice at keeping his expression neutral, he merely said, “I see.” He wasn’t sure what he had been expecting, but it certainly wasn’t that. He waited to see if she would continue and when she didn’t, he decided to go back to her original question.

“I think that the action of forgiveness isn’t about the wrongdoing, but about the wronged.”

Her eyes met his sharply. “What does that mean?”

“Emma, Regina obviously hurt you deeply. You could decide that you don’t want to forgive her and absolutely no one would fault you for it. From what you’ve told me about her, even Regina wouldn’t. We could focus our work from here on out on ways to cope with the pain that you are clearly in and leave Regina out of it altogether.”

She was listening closely to every word he said, and he sincerely hoped he wasn’t going to mess this up.

“But you could also decide that you want to try to forgive her, and you don’t have to justify that to anyone. Just as you don’t owe Regina or anyone else your forgiveness, you don’t owe anyone an explanation for what is entirely your decision. This isn’t about what she did. It’s about what you want.”

She broke down in tears for what felt like the millionth time since they started working together. “I don’t know how to forgive her,” she confessed.

“Emma, if you told me right now that you knew how to forgive a betrayal that painful, I would assume you were either mistaken or just lying to my face. Barring those options, I would probably turn my practice over to you because you are clearly far better at this therapy gig than I am.”

She let out a watery chuckle at that and gratefully accepted the box of Kleenex he handed over.

“Now, you asked me if I thought there were some things that were unforgiveable. Can you tell me why you asked me that?”

She waved her arm in ways that meant to convey her frustration at being unable to express herself correctly.

“I’m sorry, let me clarify. I understand that you were asking if what I thought Regina did was unforgivable. I suppose my question is, what answer were you hoping I would give you?”

Her eyes widened at the question. “I…I don’t know. I’m not sure, exactly.”

“Can you think about that some more for me before our next session?”

She nodded. “Is it time to be done?”

“No, we still have a few minutes. I just want you to think about that for a bit longer than that, ok?”

“Maybe….maybe I was asking for your permission to forgive her.”

“I see. Why do you feel like you need my permission?”

“I don’t know. Maybe because I respect your opinion so much?”

He chuckled lightly at that but did not let her off the hook. “That is very flattering, and I thank you for it, but you know that wasn’t my question. Why do you feel like you need permission at all?”

Frustrated, her words came out in a jumble heap. “I don’t know! I really don’t. I just…” she growled in irritation at how difficult this was. “Ok, I know there was more to what happened than she is telling me. But she refuses to tell me what it is. So then why should I bother trying to figure it out?”

She looked up at him and he nodded encouragingly. Somewhere in her mind, she knew there was no way that he was following this, but she couldn’t stop. “But then, I think that maybe she also went through something really hard. Her father once hinted towards it, anyway. And I want to help her, but she just won’t talk to me.”

“Why do you think she won’t talk to you?”

“She said it was because she was the one that ruined us and that the reasons behind it didn’t excuse what she did.”

“Ok. And?”

“And….and…. I don’t know! I guess if I knew what the reason was, maybe I could decide what I wanted to do next.”

“So, you are saying that you could possibly want to forgive her, but only if her reasons are good enough?”

She jumped up from her chair and paced around, pushing her hand through her hair impatiently. “Maybe! I don’t know.”

He helped her through a breathing technique that they had worked on together and once she was calmer, he picked up his line of questioning.

“Emma, it sounds to me like maybe you do want to forgive her, but now instead of asking for permission, you are looking for justification. Why?”

“Because forgiving her is wrong! That’s why! If I forgive her, I betray everyone.”

“Who are you betraying, exactly?”

“Everyone! Women everywhere. Victims of sexual assault. Maybe even myself.”

“That sounds like an awful lot of pressure to put on yourself, Emma.”

She sat back with a sigh, completely emotionally spent. “It is.”

He looked on in sympathy, watching as she worked on her breathing. They had gone through some big issues and he knew she had to be exhausted.

“Archie? Can I tell you what I really want?”

He nodded encouragingly and she gave him a wobbly smile. “I want to talk to her.”

“To Regina?” He clarified, just to make sure.

“Yeah. I just want to hear her voice, talk to her for a while, without thinking about what it all means. It’s the holidays and I miss her.”

“I can certainly understand that.”

“Do you think that’s a terrible idea?”

“You don’t need my approval, Emma. But for the record, no, I don’t that is a terrible idea.”

\--------------------------------------------

It wasn’t a holiday in Vancouver, but Regina was home anyway. She was feeling a bit melancholy, knowing that it was a holiday in the States and that she had no reason to go there. No one to see or spend the day with. Mal had come over earlier in the day, but left after a short while, claiming to have work to do.

When her personal cell phone rang, the sudden break in silence startled her. Absently, she picked it up without looking at who was calling. Almost no one had this number.

“Mal, I just saw you 2 hours ago. I promise the song will be done next week.”

There was silence on the line and then: “It’s not Mal.”

She sat down on her couch, stunned. “ _Emma?”_

“Yeah. Um…Happy Thanksgiving.”

“You, too. Wait, where are you?” She felt a moment of panic as she remembered the last time Emma had called her.

Emma understood the question and was quick to reassure her. “I’m still underway, don’t worry. I am using the outside line in David’s office.”

Regina let out the breath she didn’t even realize she was holding. “That’s good. I mean, its not good that you’re underway on Thanksgiving, but it’s good that you’re…”

“Sober?” Emma laughed.

“I was going to say safe, actually,” Regina corrected.

“I’m sorry about the last time I called.”

Regina could feel her heart beat faster as she thought about that night and how scared she had been. “It’s ok. You don’t need to apologize.”

Emma’s chuckle sounded sheepish. “I really think that I do,” she said.

“Not to me, Emma. You don’t ever have to apologize to me.”

Emma nodded, even though she knew Regina couldn’t see her.

“Ok, I won’t,” she agreed. “But I know that I scared you and I know that I said some really hurtful things.”

On her end of the line, Regina frowned. “You said honest things,” she replied. “I just wish you had told me that emailing you was bringing back memories and giving you nightmares.” She waited for a reply, but none came. “Why didn’t you?”

“Because I knew you would stop writing and I didn’t want you to.”

Despite herself, Regina felt the warmth spread in her chest. Remembering what had happened the last time she had let herself have hope, she tried to ignore it. “Emma, I told you before I left the ship that I was not going to cause you pain again. I meant it, which is why I have been trying to follow your lead, but I confess I am at a loss right now. What is it you want from me?”

The response took so long to come that for a moment Regina thought Emma had hung up the phone. At last, though, Emma spoke.

“You’re right. I’ve been jerking you around, asking you to write to me and then blaming you for how I reacted to your emails. Then ignoring you for months.”

“Emma, it’s ok.”

“No, it’s not. For what it’s worth, Regina, I am going to try to communicate a lot more clearly from now on.”

Stunned, she replied, “You’re going to communicate….with….me?”

“Yes.”

“I don’t understand, Emma. What’s changed?”

“Hong Kong changed. You know, Neal thought I was safely in my room that night. If you hadn’t gotten a hold of David and Mary Margaret…well, let’s just say I don’t know where I would have ended up. Thank you.”

“Oh, god, Emma. Please don’t do that.”

“What, thank you? Fuck that, Regina. Whatever else has gone down between us in the past doesn’t change that when I reached out to you, you came through.” The truth of that came spilling out of Emma before she even had a chance to really think about it.

“Hong Kong was so scary and so, so embarrassing, but it made me realize what I was doing and how I was hurting my friends. I’m getting help, Regina.”

The warmth was back, but this time for an entirely different reason. “That’s wonderful,” she said softly. “I’m so happy to hear that. And if it is not too forward, I just want to say that I can already hear a difference.”

“Thank you. I can feel a difference, too.”

The silence that fell then felt familiar again. When they were younger, so many hours had been spent together in peaceful silence without discomfort or awkwardness. Regina laid back on the couch and enjoyed the feeling for a few minutes.

“Regina?”

“Hmm?”

Emma took a breath. _‘What am I doing?’_ she wondered. _Is this a good idea? Should I discuss this with Archie, first?’_

“The ship will be pulling in to Hawaii for a week or so soon before we head back home. To debrief our final exercise once it’s done.” She hesitated, struggling to find a way to ask. “I will probably have to work at least part of the time and I am not allowed to say when we are going to be there right now for security purposes, but…” Her voice trailed off.

“Are you asking me to meet you in Hawaii?”

“I just feel like there are some things we need to talk about, and I want to do it in person. I know it’s a pain, not knowing when we will be there or how much time we will be able to spend together, so if you don’t want to-“ Her voice was cut off.

“Emma. Call me when you get there, and I promise I will be on the next flight.”

“Yeah?” Despite her misgivings, a smile broke out on her face, one of the few genuine ones in months.

“Yes.”


	18. Chapter 18

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Emma and Regina begin to clear the air betweem them.

Try as she might to calm them, the butterflies swirled inside Emma’s stomach as she waited for the workday to be over. The ship had pulled into Pearl Harbor the afternoon before, and as promised, Regina had flown in as soon as Emma called. Now the knowledge that Regina was waiting for her in a hotel room just a few minutes away had her fighting the urge to empty her stomach.

“Emma?”

Her head snapped up to the realization that Mary Margaret was trying to get her attention.

“Sorry. What’s up?”

“Lunch?”

The idea of food was laughable. “I’m good.”

Mary Margaret nodded sympathetically. “Are you sure this is a good idea, Emma?”

Just a few months ago Emma would have snuck out to meet Regina without telling anyone what she was up to. But the “New Improved Emma”, as Mary Margaret called her, knew that she would likely need support to get through this week. She had told her best friend and of course, Archie. Neither had attempted to talk her out of it, although both of them clearly had misgivings.

“Not at all sure, actually. But it’s what I want to do.”

“Ok then. Go.”

“Huh?” Emma asked, confused. “The end of shift meeting isn’t for another 4 hours.”

“I know what time the meeting is, Emma.” The brunette rolled her eyes at her friend. “But let’s face it, you’re not going to get any work done today. So, go. I’ll cover your shop for you.”

“Are you sure?”

“ _Go,_ Emma. Take the time you need.”

Emma hugged her friend briefly and turned to head towards her berthing to change out of her uniform. Mary Margaret watched her with worried eyes. “Emma,” she said as she watched her friend leave.

Emma turned back for a moment. “Yes?”

“Just….be careful.”

\------------------------------------

When her Uber dropped her off at the Waikiki Marina Resort, she found herself unable to leave the lobby. Telling herself that she would just take a few moments to collect herself, she found a seat at a small round table near the large glass windows that overlooked the beach.

A few minutes turned into an hour and she was no closer to being able to knock on Regina’s door. Her thoughts were interrupted by a voice.

“Excuse me, Miss Swan?”

Her head snapped up. “Yes? How did you know my name?”

The young man did not respond to the question and instead handed her a mojito. “Courtesy of the woman at the bar,” he said. She followed his gesture with her eyes and saw Regina sitting at the bar watching her.

Her breath stopped. Regina looked as impossibly beautiful as ever. Her dark hair was swept up into a messy bun and she was wearing a simple white sundress. But what caught her attention more than anything was her look in her eyes. She looked just as nervous as Emma felt.

Actually, scratch that. She looked terrified.

Emma accepted the drink and walked slowly over to where Regina was sitting.

“I’m sorry, I wasn’t expecting you until later and I came down to get a drink and I saw you. I wasn’t sure what to do…” Her voice trailed off.

Despite her nerves, Emma could not help but feel a touch of amusement at the sight of the always composed Regina Mills stumbling over her words at the sight of her. She, Emma Swan, held that kind of power over someone. It shouldn’t feel good, but she would be lying to herself if she denied that it did. At least a little.

Regina laughed a bit, but it sounded forced, nothing like the confident mirth that Emma was used to hearing from her. “I’m rambling, aren’t I?”

“Maybe a little.”

“Sorry. Can I try again?”

“Sure,” Emma chuckled.

She smiled then, not the unguarded beautiful smile that Emma loved so much, but the warmth did reach her eyes, at least a little. “Hello, Emma.”

“Hi.”

“It’s good to see you.”

She did not respond because returning the sentiment would sound fake, as though she were filling some social nicety that required her to say that it was good to see Regina as well.

But the truth was, it _was_ good to see her. It was a shock to her system, but it felt amazing and she didn’t really know how to express that. So, she didn’t answer.

She could see Regina was a little let down by her lack of response but was clearly choosing not to comment on it. This was setting the stage for the way this visit would go: Regina was going to let her call all the shots. She had anticipated that, but somehow instead of feeling comforting, it just added to her nerves.

Regina took a sip of her drink. “You still like mojitos, right?” she asked.

“Yep. And let me guess,” she said nodding at the glass in Regina’s hand. “Apple martini?”

“Some things will never change, I suppose.”

“No, I guess not.”

There was a moment of silence again as they studied each other, then they both spoke at once.

“Emma, I-“

“Regina-“

They laughed; the ice broken for the moment. “Go ahead,” Regina said.

“I was just going to say that it is good to see you, too. Really good.” She hoped Regina could hear the sincerity in her voice. Evidently, she could, because her eyes dropped instinctively as a genuine smile broke out on her face.

“What were you going to say?”

Regina considered it for a moment. She had been about to ask if Emma wanted to join her in her room so they could talk, but something told her it was too soon. Emma looked ok with being there, but her eyes revealed a skittishness that worried her. She didn’t want to spook Emma and have her bolt.

“I was going to ask if you wanted to take a walk,” she improvised. The brief look of relief in Emma’s eyes assured her that she had made the right choice.

“Sure.” Emma polished off the rest of her drink and stood up. “Long walk on the beach?” she asked, and Regina’s eyes snapped up to see the teasing smile on the blonde’s face.

It did, in fact, turn into a long walk on the beach. Far longer than either of them anticipated, but the time passed fairly painlessly. Emma told her stories of the deployment and of her improved relationship with Belle French. She caught a glimpse of pride in Regina’s eyes when she mentioned that she was still seeing Archie twice a week and that it was helping.

Regina spoke about her work, the new album she was working on and her concerns about Mal.

“She’s becoming somewhat distant,” she confided.

“You mentioned that in one of your emails a while ago. Did you ever ask her about it?”

“I tried,” Regina said. “She said it was nothing. I believed her because…” her voice trailed off again.

“Because?” Emma encouraged.

Regina sighed. “I went through something of a rough time earlier in the year,” she admitted. “Mal was there. She was actually ridiculously attentive. I assumed that I had been imagining her distance. But over the last few weeks, it has started again.”

Emma nodded, but she was focused on something that Regina had just said.

“What kind of hard time?” she asked.

“It wasn’t anything big. Just having a difficult time with my music and it had me feeling a bit bleak. I’m ok now.”

“Right. And did it have anything to do with my phone call from Hong Kong?”

“What?”

“You said it was earlier in the year. Hong Kong was 7 months ago. Is that a coincidence?”

“Emma….”

Emma’s eyes snapped dangerously. “No,” she said. “I asked you to meet me here so that we could talk. Clear the air between us. But if you’re going to lie to me, then it’s pointless.” She turned to leave.

“Emma, wait.”

She didn’t stop walking.

“Emma, please stop. You’re right, I wasn’t telling you the truth.”

Emma whirled around. “So then, tell me the truth.”

“You’re right. It was after Hong Kong. I was scared and I was…I don’t know.” She stopped speaking, unsure of how to phrase it.

“Hurt. You were hurt.”

She did not confirm it, but she didn’t deny it either and that was enough for now.

“You could have told me,” she said.

Regina shook her head in denial.

“Yes, you could have,” Emma insisted. “You’re taking all of this on yourself because of how you feel about what happened back then, but Hong Kong is on _me._ If we are ever going to get anywhere, you need to be honest with me.”

“Emma, I am,” she began.

“No, you’re not. You think that you don’t have the right to get upset with me or at least that you don’t have the right to tell me about it, but that isn’t what I want. It’s never been what I wanted.”

“What _do_ you want?”

The sun was beginning to slip beneath the clouds. Startled by how late it was becoming, Emma shivered slightly. She knew she shouldn’t be cold; this was _Hawaii_ for Christ’s sake, but somehow, she was anyway.

“Can we head back to the hotel?”

If she was surprised by the abrupt change of subject, Regina didn’t let on. “Sure,” she said. They walked back in silence and it wasn’t until they were in Regina’s room that Emma spoke again.

“You.”

“What?”

“You asked what I want. I want _you.”_ She laughed, a hollow sound that had Regina’s heart breaking a little. “Pretty fucked up, huh?”

Regina considered her response carefully but wasn’t able to come up with anything that felt right. She elected to keep quiet, hoping it would not agitate the situation further.

It didn’t.

“I’m tired of fighting it, Regina. I shouldn’t want you. I should hate you. But I do want you and I’m tired of feeling bad about it.”

She nodded and briefly thought about reaching her hand out towards the blonde, but Emma wasn’t done.

“I’ve spent the last few therapy sessions talking to my counselor about forgiveness. I didn’t want to forgive you at first. Honestly, I didn’t think you deserved it.”

“I don’t,” Regina agreed, and Emma rolled her eyes at her.

“Maybe not. But _I_ do, and whether I like it or not it’s what I want. I’ve been working hard at trying to forgive you and I think that I can, but I need something first.”

“What do you need?”

“I need you to tell me what really happened between you and Leo. I know you don’t want to. I know you think it sounds like an excuse. But Regina, I need this.”

Regina shook her head. “Emma,” she said.

“No, please don’t. My therapist said I am looking for justification, some sort of reason to forgive you. And maybe that’s true, I don’t know. But this it for me, Regina. This is a make or break moment. I am telling you that I need this. You’re either going to give it to me or you’re not. But I can’t move forward until I know the whole story.”

Regina was suddenly terrified again. Unconsciously, she began twisting her hands in her lap, absently noticing that they were shaking.

“Ok,” she agreed, voice barely above a whisper.

“Ok?”

“Yes. I’ll tell you the whole story. But Emma, I think you’re going to be disappointed. You’re hoping it’s going to be some dramatic revelation and it really isn’t.”

“Stop stalling and tell me.”

She couldn’t help it, she laughed at that. “You always were impatient,” she said.

“Yeah. Now talk.”

She told her everything.

How she had searched for Emma desperately.

How she found out that Emma had joined the military and that Cora had a file that could destroy Emma’s career, maybe even her life.

How she had agreed to marry Leo to keep Cora from blowing Emma’s life up.

And how, when Don’t Ask Don’t Tell was finally repealed and Emma was safe, it was too late to do anything about it because Leo was dead and could not be held accountable for his actions. While a nation celebrated the death of a law that was way past its prime, Regina had wept all night long with shame and regret, raging in helpless fury at her own impotence.

When she was done speaking, she sat on the bed, head in her hands.

“Look at me,” Emma commanded.

“I can’t,” she said.

“Bullshit, Regina. Look at me.” She looked up to see fury raging in Emma’s eyes.

“You chained yourself to a monster for life in order to protect me and you think that isn’t a dramatic revelation?” she demanded.

“Emma,” she tried to explain, but she was cut off.

“No! You don’t get to talk. My turn to talk!” she yelled, and Regina nodded.

“How dare you! How dare you come here and tell me this! You spent all this time hiding this from me and what the hell am I supposed to do now?”

She shrugged helplessly. She had no idea.

“You _married_ him, Regina. In sickness and in health, for better or for worse. You married the man that destroyed my life.”

“I know,” she whispered.

“And now, what? It’s _my_ fault?”

“Of course not,” she tried again.

“No! You had options. You knew where I was. You could have warned me. You could have told me; we could have figured it out together.”

“I know.”

“You let me find out from a fucking newspaper, Regina!” and why that mattered, she had no idea, but it did.

“I know.”

“You _broke_ me, Regina.”

“I know! I know, Emma and I’m-“ she stopped talking abruptly. Emma looked up confused.

“What?”

“I never said this,” Regina said in sudden realization. “Maybe it’s because I never thought I had the right to, or maybe it’s because it always felt so pointless, but I never said it.”

“Said what?”

She looked at Emma then, steady in the eyes. “I’m sorry, Emma.”

Emma’s eyes narrowed. “What?”

“I’m sorry. So very, very, sorry.”

I’m sorry. 2 little words that shouldn’t mean anything. Shouldn’t make any difference.

So why did they?

Why was it suddenly just a little easier to breathe than it had been in years?

Inexplicably, Emma started laughing, almost hysterically. “We are a pair, aren’t we?”

She chuckled, but then said again. “I’m so sorry, Emma.”

Emma took a breath. “Ok.”

“Ok?”

“Yeah. I mean, we’re not done, but I believe you.” Her hand reached out tentatively, and Regina took it, intertwining their fingers. They sat in silence, holding hands, releasing demons into the air.

“I should head back the ship,” Emma said finally.

“Ok,” Regina replied, releasing her hand immediately. She walked her down to wait for the Uber. She tried to fight her sense of loss at Emma’s departure, but Emma could see it on her face.

“I’ll be back tomorrow,” she assured her. Instantly, it became easier to breathe again.

“Would it be really pathetic of me to ask you to promise?” she asked.

“I promise, Regina. I’ll be back. Good night.”

Regina stood and waved as the car pulled away and drove out of sight. Then she walked back inside alone, still feeling Emma’s hand in her own.


	19. Chapter 19

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Reader comment from last chapter:
> 
> Kiss dammit kiss!!
> 
> Well, ok. If you insist ;)

“You came,” Regina said breathlessly when she opened the hotel room door the following day.

“I told you I would,” Emma pointed out.

“Yeah. I guess I wasn’t sure.” She didn’t finish the thought, mostly because she wasn’t sure what it was supposed to be.

Emma smiled faintly. “Well, I’m here. Can I come in?”

“Oh, yes. Sorry.” She stepped back from the door to allow Emma inside.

The room was bright and spacious. The day before Emma had been too overwhelmed to appreciate her surroundings, but now she took a moment to look around. Regina did not say a word as she explored.

“It’s nice.”

Regina shrugged. “It’s fine.” Kathryn had booked it and she had been slightly surprised by the size of the suite when she first walked in.

“Beats the ship.”

At that, Regina laughed. “That it does.” Her mind flickered back to her three days on the ship, the tiny, cramped stateroom she had slept in. All at once, she noticed that Emma was speaking again.

“Sorry, what did you say?”

“I asked if I could use your shower.” She gestured to the uniform she was still wearing. “I hope it’s ok, but I thought it would be nice to have a real shower for a change, so I brought my clothes with me.” She held up her small overnight bag as proof.

Regina’s mouth went slightly dry at the thought of Emma naked in her shower, but she didn’t let it show on her face. “Of course,” she said, gesturing towards the bathroom. “Take all the time you need.”

“Thanks.” Emma flashed her a quick smile and disappeared into the bathroom

_‘Snap out of it, Mills,’_ Regina ordered herself. She looked around the room for something to distract herself with and eventually settled on her guitar. As so often happened when she was playing, the time passed without her noticing and after a while, she looked up to see Emma staring at her from the bathroom doorway.

“What?”

Emma did not reply. She took a step towards the bed before seeming to change her mind.

“Emma? What is it?”

Emma swallowed hard. “Nothing,” she said.

Regina put the guitar down on the bed and crossed the room. She reached her hand out, asking for silent permission to take the blonde’s hand. “Talk to me Emma,” she urged.

“It’s nothing, really. Just seeing you like that playing guitar on the bed. It’s like being back in Boston.”

“Yeah. I guess so.”

“We had some good times,” Emma said.

Regina wasn’t sure where they were going with this conversation. Emma appeared to be nostalgic, even wistful, but dissatisfied at the same time. The contradiction mystified her and so she chose to agree with the blonde, hoping it would encourage her to reveal more of what she was thinking.

“We did,” she said.

Emma shook her head. “Sometimes, I wonder, you know?” She didn’t complete the thought.

“Wonder what, exactly?”

“What would have happened to us if Leo hadn’t shown up in our lives.”

Regina felt the familiar squeeze in her gut at the mention of that name. “If I hadn’t brought him into our lives, you mean?” she asked, but Emma was shaking her head again.

“That’s not what I meant. I’m not trying to lay blame or guilt at your feet, Regina. I just wonder if we would have made it if things hadn’t gone as wrong as they did.”

At last she understood. “We did have some good times,” she said again. “Some _incredible_ times. And I think that we would not only have made it, but we would have kids in middle school by now.”

Emma laughed at that. “A sassy 12 year old girl with your attitude?”

“Absolutely. With your blonde hair and green eyes, of course.”

“So, what I am hearing you say is you would have dumped the pregnancy portion on to me, then?”

“We would have taken turns,” Regina assured her, and Emma laughed again. It warmed her heart to hear the blonde laugh so freely in her presence. Each time she heard the familiar sound, it felt as though she were being given a precious gift she should hold on to tightly since it may be the last time she would be privileged to hear it.

“I guess this type of conversation is pointless, huh?”

“No conversation is pointless, Emma.” At Emma’s nod, she shifted the topic again. “You said last night that you were working on trying to forgive me.”

Emma nodded again.

“I have a question for you, but you need to know that you can absolutely tell me it’s a bad idea.”

“Ok.”

“I mean it, Emma. If you think this is a dumb idea, I want you to tell me.”

Emma rolled her eyes and chuckled again. “I can’t tell you shit till you tell me what the idea is,” she pointed out.

“I was thinking that maybe, when you say the time is right, I could come to your therapist with you.” At Emma’s shocked look, she rushed on. “You were upset and hurt by the things I told you yesterday. I thought maybe your therapist could help you work through your feelings about it and if you want, I could be there to answer any questions you have.”

The idea had seemed like a good one when she came up with it last night as she tried to fall asleep, but now in the face of Emma’s silence, she began to wonder if she had missed the mark entirely.

“Never mind. It’s a bad idea,” she began, but Emma interrupted her.

“No, it’s not. I’m just surprised is all.”

“Surprised? Why?”

“You would…you would do that?”

Now it was Regina’s turn to be surprised. “Of course, I would,” she said, frowning in confusion.

A tentative smile broke out on Emma’s face. “You really want this to work, don’t you?”

A few moments ticked by in silence as Regina looked at her. The surprise on Emma’s face when Regina offered to do even the slightest thing to help her was heartbreaking, How was she supposed to make this woman understand how important she was if Emma didn’t believe she was worthy even of this?

“Emma,” she began slowly. “I have spent every moment of the past 15 years lost in regret and guilt. And now that you’re standing here in front of me…..don’t you get that I would do anything to stay right here with you?”

Emma’s eyes widened, but Regina wasn’t done. “This isn’t an exaggeration, Emma. If you want me to join you in therapy, I will. If you have things you need to say to me or yell at me, I will listen without interruption. Hell, if you want me to spend the rest of my life kissing your boots, I will do that.”

“Ok, that last part is probably not necessary.”

“Well, I’m glad because it doesn’t sound especially sanitary. But Emma, please believe me when I tell you that I am going to spend the rest of my life making up for what I’ve done. And once I’ve done everything you ask of me, if you decide that it wasn’t enough and you want me to leave, I will. No questions asked.”

Emma stared at her, eyes shining with tears that she refused to allow to fall.

“You are it for me, Emma. You are the only one I have wanted since I was 22 years old.”

They took a breath and a step back. The moment was getting a bit intense, but it needed to be said and Regina had no regrets about it at all.

“Regina, do you know what I really want from you right now?”

“Tell me,” she said eagerly.

She walked over to the bed and picked up Regina’s guitar. “Sing for me?”

Regina took the guitar willingly. “Any requests?”

She shook her head. “No. I just….I want it to be like it was. You sitting on the bed singing while I do god only knows what around the room.”

“I can do that,” Regina said softly. She sat cross legged on the bed, cradling her guitar. With her hair down around her shoulders, dressed in a simple shorts and T-shirt, she looked like she would have been completely at home back in 2003. Emma’s heart melted a little as she watched Regina adjust her guitar strap and begin to play.

_Old friend, here we are,  
After all the years and tears  
And all that we've been through.  
It feels so good to see you.  
Looking back in time,  
There've been other friends and other lovers,  
But no other one like you.  
All my life, no one ever has known me better._

_I must have traveled down a thousand roads.  
Been so many places, seen so many faces,  
Always on my way to something new.  
Oh, but it doesn't matter,  
Cause no matter where I go,  
Every road leads back,  
Every road just seems to lead me back to you._

_Old friend, there were times  
I didn't want to see your face  
Or hear your name again.  
Now those times are far behind me.  
It's so good to see your smile.  
I'd forgotten how nobody else  
Could make me smile the way you do.  
All this time, you're the one I still want beside me._

_I must have traveled down a thousand roads.  
Been so many places, seen so many faces,  
Always on my way to something new.  
Oh, but it doesn't matter,  
Cause no matter where I go,  
Every road leads back,  
Every road just seems to lead me back to you._

_I must have traveled down a thousand roads.  
Been so many places, seen so many faces,  
Always on my way to something new.  
Oh, but it doesn't matter,  
Cause no matter where I go,  
Every road leads back,  
Every road just seems to lead me back,  
Every road leads back,  
Every road just seems to lead me back to you.  
Every road just seems to lead me back to you._

For a moment when she was done, the silence was so thick that if she didn’t know any better, she would have thought that Emma had fallen asleep. Afraid to look up, she kept her eyes trained on her guitar, waiting for Emma to speak.

She didn’t.

Instead, Regina felt a hand on her shoulder, and she looked up to see Emma sitting on the bed across from her. She put a hand on Regina’s cheek and Regina covered it with her own, as she closed her eyes.

“This is such a bad idea,” Emma whispered.

It was.

“We shouldn’t do this,” Emma said.

They really, really shouldn’t.

“But I really want to.”

Regina did as well. She opened her eyes and looked at Emma, who was now using her thumb to stroke Regina’s cheek.

“Can I kiss you?” Emma asked, and for just a second time rolled backwards.

_Emma leaned forward slowly, stopping briefly to look at Regina’s eyes, as though seeking permission. Regina forgot to breathe as Emma gently pressed her lips against hers in just the tiniest brush._

_The kiss was over almost before it began, but in that moment, Regina felt everything change._

_“Was that what you were trying to tell me?”_

_“Yes,” Regina whispered, both in her mind in 2003 and again now._

There are moments when everything falls together so perfectly that words become unnecessary and right now Regina lost any ability to say anything else. Emma’s lips meeting hers felt like everything she had dreamed of for 15 years.

They had kissed on the ship, but that had been two lost souls acting out of impulse. This was different. It felt like home and promises and the past and the future all rolled up together.

She groaned a little as Emma’s lips parted, inviting her inside. She slipped her tongue in slowly, tasting the familiar taste of her lover, a taste she had never forgotten. Her hands reached out to tangle in Emma’s hair as the blonde laid back on the pillow, gently pulling Regina on top of her.

Nothing had ever felt this good. Nothing had ever felt this _right._ But no matter how right it felt, it wasn’t the time yet. Reluctantly, she sat up. 

“Emma,” she whispered. 

“Yeah,” Emma said. “I know.”

She nodded and helped Emma pull herself to a sitting position. Their lips met one more time before Emma rested her head on her chest. When the blonde spoke, Regina could feel the vibrations running through her.

“We’re going to make it,” Emma said, and she sounded so sure at the that moment that Regina had no choice to but to believe her.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Song is "Every Road Leads Back to You" by Bette Midler from the movie "For the Boys."
> 
> https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rDDz5cdeZVo


	20. Chapter 20

This is more of an author's note than a chapter update, but it is long. I hope you will all read it in its entirety.

When I first started writing fanfiction a couple of years ago, it was mostly for fun. Silly, smutty stuff that made me happy to write. I was clearly very late to the SQ party, but I was ok with that. I was just having fun.

Fair Winds and Following Seas is a story that has lived in my head for a long time. That is not a secret, I have mentioned that before. I am 18 years into a Naval career that started under similar circumstances to the ones Emma experienced in the story. Not the same, but close enough that this feels very personal.

Please be clear, this story I am telling is not my own, but it IS intertwined enough with my own experience that sharing it was a very big decision for me. Writing this has been life changing and not always in the best way. I don’t regret it, or the things I learned about myself over the past few months, but I do acknowledge that it has been challenging.

I knew going into this that the reaction would be mixed, but I had hoped that I was prepared for it. And by and large, I have been. Most of the response has been supportive and positive and for that, I am eternally grateful.

There has been a fair amount of criticism too, and I get that. People have strong feelings about these characters, and I understand why. Believe me, I really do. There's a lot of love and loyalty involved here and I get that. For the most part, the criticism has been respectful, and I would like to think that I engaged in discussion to the best of my ability and explained my point of view as best as I can.

But there has been an ugly side to this that most of you have not seen, because I have been careful to delete it as soon as I see it. Vulgar, rude, cruel comments that would not bother me if I weren’t already laying myself bare for this process.

But they do bother me. They hurt. I’m tired of pretending they don’t, and I am tired of defending this story. I woke up in the middle of the night last night to be confronted with it again and I suddenly realized that I need a break. So, I am going to take one.

I am still writing this story. This journey is far from over. I have another chapter already completed and two more in the works. I am just going to take some time off from sharing it until I feel a little stronger. In the meantime, my other stories will continue to be updated as I write them.

There have been a few of you that have been supportive and caring throughout all of this. You know who you are, and I cannot thank you enough for taking this journey with me. I will see you all soon.

All my love,

Sarah


	21. Chapter 21

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Emma and Regina continue to grow closer.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you all for your outpouring of love and support a couple of weeks ago. It truly means the world to me.

“These last few days have been amazing.” Emma put her drink on the little table near her and turned the page in her book. They were sitting by the hotel pool, relaxing and waiting for sunset. Regina had told her that she wanted to watch another sunset with her, and while it was not the same as watching it from the middle of the ocean, they were both certain that sunset over the Hawaiian beach would be a close second.

Regina looked up from her phone and smiled. “They really have been,” she agreed. “Thank you for sharing them with me.”

“Who are you texting?”

“Mal,” she replied, putting the phone down. Sighing contentedly, she picked up her margarita and took a sip.

“Is she cracking the whip again?”

“Surprisingly, no. I actually haven’t heard from her since I got here. That’s why I texted her, to make sure she’s ok.”

“That _is_ surprising,” Emma agreed. “Have you gotten a response?”

“Yes, she said she is ok, but busy planning our next tour. I suspect that she’s trying to give us some space.”

“That’s nice of her.” Her face screwed up slightly when she said it, making Regina chuckle.

“You two have an odd relationship.”

Emma thought about that for a moment. She and Mal had their differences, but there was no doubt she appreciated the blonde’s work ethic and loyalty to Regina. “I like her,” she said lightly. “I used to find her a bit intimidating, though.”

“Yes, she can come on pretty strong. She likes you, too, she’s just not great at showing it.”

“Well, I’m guessing that getting in her face back on my 21st birthday probably didn’t endear me to her.”

Regina choked on the drink she was in the middle of swallowing. “You did what?!”

“She never told you?” Emma laughed. “That surprises me.”

“No!” Regina exclaimed. “What did you say?”

_March 22, 2004_

_Emma swallowed her 3 rd shot in a row and slammed the glass down triumphantly. “Told you I could do it,” she said._

_Regina clapped her hands in mock admiration. “Nice job,” she said, pulling Emma in for a kiss._

_“Still pales in comparison to the amount of shots we did on your 21 st birthday Regina,” Mal piped up. “Remember that?”_

_“I do,” Regina agreed, arm still around Emma’s shoulders. “But that is long in the past. Let’s make tonight about Emma, shall we?” She lifted her face to grab another quick kiss from her girlfriend._

_Emma complied with the gesture but glowered at Mal at the same time. Regina’s 21 st birthday had been 2 years before and although they hadn’t even met yet at the time, she didn’t really appreciate the reminder that Regina had spent it with her ex. Regina broke the tense moment by ordering another round of shots, but when Mal excused herself to go to the bathroom a few minutes later, Emma followed._

_“Hey!” she snapped, grabbing Mal by the arm. Mal turned around, looking first at Emma’s hand on her arm, then at her face._

_“Take your hand off me,” she said, coolly._

_“I bet you wouldn’t say that if it was Regina’s hand on you,” she sneered._

_Mal raised one eyebrow gracefully. “What is that supposed to mean?”_

_“I know you have feelings for my girlfriend, that’s what it means.”_

_Mal yanked her arm away from Emma’s grasp. “You’re drunk, Swan,” she said coldly. “Go back to Regina and leave me alone.”_

_“No,_ you _leave. You’re not wanted here.”_

_“Oh really? By whom, exactly?”_

_“By me. Regina is too polite to tell you, but you hanging around her all the time is weird. You’re not her girlfriend anymore.”_

_Emma turned to leave, but Mal grabbed her arm. “Swan…Emma. Listen. I don’t have feelings for Regina anymore. But I do know her pretty well and I can tell you that she wouldn’t appreciate us doing this.”_

_“Go ahead and tell her then,” Emma shot back. “Let’s see which one of us she sides with.”_

_“Why does she have to side with either one of us? You’re seeing things that don’t exist.”_

_“No!” Emma snapped. “Don’t do that. I know exactly what I’m seeing and I won’t let you convince me otherwise. Back the hell off.”_

_With that, she turned and returned to the table, leaving Mal shaking her head in confusion behind her._

Regina was laughing so hard by the time Emma finished her story that was barely able to remain seated in her chair.

“I can’t tell if you’re laughing at me or at the story,” confessed Emma quietly.

“The story. Definitely the story.”

“Good,” Emma flashed a smile and took another sip of her drink. “Back then, the idea of anyone even looking at you brought out the worst in me.”

“I felt the same way,” Regina said softly.

The mood was shifting to a feeling Emma wasn’t entirely comfortable with. Things between them had remained light since their conversation on their second day in Hawaii, and she knew that was because Regina was allowing her to dictate every aspect of their time together. She had attempted, up until that point, to keep the conversation away from the past. The past was dangerous because it was only a matter of time before the discussion shifted to things Emma just couldn’t face.

Regina could sense that change in the air and she quickly changed the subject. “Bite to eat?” she asked lightly, and Emma nodded gratefully.

“Sure.”

They returned to Regina’s suite to change, each going into a separate room. There was an odd push and pull between them now, and it made Emma feel off-balance. It felt as though they were living in two eras at the same time; one when they had been sure they had their whole lives together ahead of each other and other where they were living moment to moment trying to sort through years of unspoken resentment and anger.

Emma wasn’t sure which one she preferred. The past was fun to visit for a while, like when she asked Regina to sing for her, but she knew wouldn’t be able to leave her thoughts there for long before she was forced to confront the trauma. On the other hand, the present was messy and frustrating, but it felt oddly hopeful because the possibility of being happy again still existed.

Perhaps there was something to be said for not knowing what was coming next.

“Ready to go?” Emma looked up at Regina and smiled.

“Yep. You look really pretty.”

“Thanks. You do too.”

The conversation flowed easily between them as they ate a light dinner down in the hotel restaurant. It wasn’t until Emma received a text and glanced down at her phone that she realized something she had completely missed up until now. She waited until there was a lull in the conversation.

“So….earlier when we were talking about my birthday?”

“Yes?”

“Were you not planning to remind me that tomorrow is yours?”

Regina blushed a bit and took a sip of her wine. “It’s no big deal, Emma.”

“No big deal? It’s your 40th!”

“Ugh. Don’t remind me.” Regina shook her head and laughed. “Believe me, I am fine pretending tomorrow isn’t happening.”

“Well, it is. I wish we could do something to celebrate it, but I have duty tomorrow.”

“That’s fine, Emma. Perhaps we could do something the next day, instead,” she replied, but Emma was shaking her head.

“We pull out the next day.”

“Already? I thought you were staying for ten days.”

Emma shrugged and picked up her glass of wine. “So did I, but I guess they finished the debrief early. We leave first thing Monday morning.”

The disappointment was rising in her, but Regina fought it down. These past few days had been a gift and she wasn’t about to focus on the fact that it was ending. Instead, she would enjoy the rest of the evening before they watched the sunset and Emma left to return to the ship for the last time.

It suddenly occurred to her that Emma was speaking again. “I’m sorry, can you repeat that?”

“Space cadet,” Emma teased. “I asked if you wanted dessert.”

“Oh. No thank you. I’m full.”

“Are you sure? I could ask the waiters to bring a cake and sing you Happy Birthday.”

“Well, I suppose you could. But then I would have to kill you and we have been having a nice time so that seems like a shame.”

Emma laughed out loud at that. “Ok, fair enough. I have another idea. I’m not sure if it is too weird, though.”

Regina waited for her to elaborate, but Emma remained quiet. “I can’t tell you if it is too weird if you don’t tell me what it is,” she pointed out.

“Right. Ok. I know this is kind of a weird way to spend your birthday, but do you want to hang out on the ship with me tomorrow?”

Regina looked at her in amazement and she tripped over her words trying to explain. “I mean, its our last day in port so the ship will probably be empty except for duty personnel. And Mary Margaret and David will probably be there so you could say hello to them. I know its not the best way to spend your birthday so if you would rather hang out on the beach instead-“

“Emma,” she tried to interrupt, but Emma kept going.

“I totally get it, but I can’t spend it with you. Or maybe you could head back to Vancouver early and spend your birthday with Mal-“

“Emma, stop talking,” she ordered sharply.

“Huh?”

“Stop talking for a second and let me answer. I would love to spend the day on the ship with you.”

“You would? It’s gonna be super boring,” she warned.

“Absolutely, I would. Now let’s go watch that sunset.” She stood up and offered Emma her arm. The two walked out together and headed to the beach.

Emma tried not to make it too obvious that she was watching Regina instead of the horizon, but from the slight smirk on the brunette’s face it seemed fairly obvious that she wasn’t at all successful. As the sun slipped down over the water and dusk turned to twilight, Regina leaned in and captured her mouth in a kiss.

The motion took Emma by surprise. They had kissed several times since their arrival in Hawaii, but Emma had initiated all of them. Regina had been careful, up until then, to follow her lead. She didn’t have much time to think about it before Regina began to pull back, so she grabbed the brunette and returned the kiss.

The beach around them was deserted as they sank down to the sand. She ran her hand softly down Regina’s back, smiling as she felt the shudder that her touch caused. Distracting as the feeling was, she came back to the moment when she felt Regina slip her tongue inside of her mouth, then nibble softly on her lower lip.

This kiss didn’t feel like nostalgia or of promises of the future. It felt like they were alone together in just this moment of time, a moment when she was able to put it all out of her mind and just _be._

It felt like passion reigniting, and to her absolute amazement, it felt like something she had thought was lost to her forever.

It felt like desire.

God, it had been so long since she had felt desire. Sure, she had had sex during the last 15 years, but it was mostly a few short-term relationships that were doomed to fail and the occasional one-night stand when she was drunk enough to forget that sex wasn’t something she really wanted anymore. But this feeling that was spreading inside of her that it made her tremble when she recognized the heat that was growing in between her legs. Roughly, she pulled back, gasping.

“Emma?”

She turned to Regina, trying to catch her breath.

“Are you ok?” She looked at Regina then, saw the concern in her eyes.

“I’m ok,” she assured her, but Regina still looked troubled.

“I’m sorry,” she said.

“What for?”

“For….” Her hand gestured around her as though to include their entire surroundings. “All of this. The deserted beach, the sunset, the kiss. I told you I would follow your lead and I definitely did not do that tonight.”

“Regina….I’m not some delicate flower that is going to crumble because of a kiss. It’s ok to kiss me.”

Regina’s eyes turned dark as she looked at her. Taking her hands in her own, she stared straight into Emma’s eyes.

“Make no mistake about it, Emma. My hesitation isn’t because I am afraid you will break. You have survived far too much for me to ever worry about that.”

“What is it, then?”

“It’s about respecting you and your boundaries." She sighed briefly. "I’m about to kill the mood, ok?”

“Do you have to?”

“I’m afraid so.” She moved just a bit further away, giving Emma a bit of space, loosening her grip on her hands so that Emma could easily pull them back if she chose to. “Emma, when I brought…. _him_ into our lives, you tried to tell me how you felt about it.”

Emma could feel her heart constrict at the mention of him, but she pulled her thoughts back into the present and forced herself to look Regina in the eyes.

“You didn’t want me to work with him, and you certainly didn’t want me to pretend to be with him. You made it as clear as possible how you felt about it, and I ignored you. Instead of listening to you, I guilted you into letting me have things my way. And you paid the ultimate price for it.”

Her head dropped at the memory and the air, so full of promise a few minutes earlier, felt thick and heavy. She took a few slow deep breaths as Regina waited patiently. At last, she nodded, indicating that she was ready for her to continue speaking.

“I could apologize for the rest of my life for doing that. For bringing him into our lives, setting us on the road that led us where we ended up going, but it doesn’t mean anything if I don’t change our dynamic. I am going to listen to you, to your signals, your words, your body language. And I am never going to do anything I am not 100% sure you are on board with.”

Emma swallowed. “I hear what you’re saying. I do, but…”

“But?” she encouraged when Emma’s voice trailed off.

“It just feels like an awful lot of pressure. You know, being the one that makes all the decisions. I mean, I _liked_ that you kissed me. That you got a little carried away.” She blushed a bit but continued. “I don’t know if I can be the one that always takes the lead. Sometimes, I just want to go with it, you know?”

Regina considered this for a moment. “Ok,” she said. “How about if I try my best to read your cues and your signals and go along with the moment. I will check in with you every step of the way. How does that sound?”

“It sounds good,” Emma replied, releasing her breath. “And for what it’s worth, Regina?”

“Yes?”

“You read the signals correctly tonight.”

Regina’s face lit up in the smile that Emma loved so much. “I’m glad,” she said simply. She released their hands then and moved from sitting across from Emma to sitting beside her. As though with one thought, they both laid back to look at the stars.


	22. Chapter 22

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Emma reveals an unknown conversation between herself and Regina's late father. Regina opens up about growing up with Cora.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ***Trigger Warning***
> 
> Some depictions of child abuse in this chapter. Please do not read if this will be triggering for you.

“Emma, can I ask you something?”

She propped herself up on her elbows. “Sure. What’s up?”

“Back when I was on the ship, you said that you knew that there was more to what happened between me and Leo than I was telling you. Remember?”

Emma shook her head. “I remember,” she said.

“How did you know?”

The cold chill that suddenly overtook her shouldn’t have surprised her, but it did. Hawaii nights were warm, even on the beach, but when she thought about things that made her uncomfortable, her body reacted by growing cold. Grateful that she had thought to grab a sweatshirt, she took her time putting it on as she contemplated her answer.

“Are you sure you want to know?”

The answer was confusing. She could understand why Emma might not want to tell her, but for the life of her could not figure out why she wouldn’t want to know.

“Is there a reason I wouldn’t want to know?”

“It involves someone that I know you have a complicated relationship with.”

Quickly, Regina scrolled through her brain to try and figure out anyone that she knew that might have known the situation well enough to talk to Emma. She came up blank, even Mal hadn’t known the truth until recently.

“I think I have to know now,” she said honestly.

Emma nodded. “Ok.”

She moved from her position until she was sitting all the way up and moved a bit closer to Regina. She knew from past experience that when Regina heard something unexpected, she floundered. Though she had only a vague idea of what Regina had gone through in her childhood, she knew that sometimes she retreated into herself and became unreachable. In the past, Emma used to ground her by holding her hand tightly until Regina found herself again.

“Your father told me.” She waited for Regina to process this.

“My…father?”

She nodded and watched Regina closely. Regina’s eyes were unreadable, but her breathing was growing shallow and her skin looked a bit pale.

“You still with me, Regina?” She reached out and took her hand. Regina glanced down at their joined hands, then back up at Emma’s face.

“I don’t understand.”

“I figured you wouldn’t,” Emma replied. 

“My father didn’t know why I married Leo.” She was sure of this. By the time Regina had been pushed into marriage, she had long since stopped believing her father would be able to help her. Instead, she had tried to protect him as best as she could by shielding him from the depths of her mother’s cruelty. She also had no reason to believe that Cora would have told him. Even as a child, Regina had known that her mother did whatever she wanted and remained married only to avoid the scandal of divorce. They had been married in name only for as long as she could remember.

Emma sighed. “I don’t know Regina. Maybe he didn’t know specifics, but I think your father knew more than you gave him credit for.”

“When did you talk to him?”

_2009_

_Petty Officer 2 nd Class Emma Swan stood in the Career Counselor’s office. She knew this moment was coming, but she was no more prepared to answer his questions than she had been when he first asked her a month prior._

_“I need an answer, Swan,” he said. His voice, while brusque, was understanding. The decision to re-enlist was a big one and though he could appreciate the difficulty of it, he really did need an answer._

_It was pure chance that the TV in his office was tuned to Entertainment Tonight and she caught her first glimpse of Regina in 4 years. It wasn’t her face that caught Emma’s attention, though. It was the headline that was scrolling across the screen._

_Leonardo White, Record Producer and Husband of Up-and-Coming Singer Regina Mills Dead in a Drunk Driving Accident._

_The world stopped turning for a moment as she forgot where she was. Bile rose in her throat when Leo’s picture appeared on the screen. She fought through the terror that seized her stomach and forced herself to tune out the reporter that was lauding his accomplishments._

_“Swan?”_

_When no answer came, he grew impatient._

_“Swan! You need to talk to me or get out of my office.”_

_She pulled herself back into the moment and looked back at him. “I’m sorry. I just need a few more days to decide.”_

_“One week, Swan. I need to process the re-enlistment papers by next Tuesday. If I don’t have your answer by then, I am going to give your quota away.”_

_She nodded automatically as he sat back down at his desk._

_“I don’t mean to pressure you, Swan, but you should know that the military is downsizing significantly over the next few years. Re-enlistment quotas are scarce, and they are just going to get more difficult to get. I can’t hold on to this forever.”_

_She nodded again although she barely heard him. “I know. I promise you that I will have an answer for you in the next few days.”_

_She left and returned to her work center. She needed to talk to her chief about taking some short notice leave._

Regina frowned as she tried to understand the story Emma was telling her. “What are you saying, exactly?”

“I came to Leo’s funeral,” she admitted. “I wanted to….I don’t know, I guess I wanted to see you.”

“But you didn’t see me.” Most of that day was a blur, but she was certain that if she had seen Emma, she would remember it.

“I never got close enough. It was packed and then when they started the eulogy, I couldn’t bring myself to stay. It was just too much.”

“Of course, it was.” She removed her hand from Emma’s grasp and put it on her shoulders, squeezing gently. “I can’t even imagine what that felt like.”

Emma didn’t respond, causing Regina to study her face closely. She seemed so far away all of a sudden, sitting there with her arms wrapped around herself tightly. She stroked her hair gently, trying to will her to remain in the present without forcing her back before she was ready.

“I’m so sorry you had to hear all that. I wish I had known you were there; I would have left with you immediately.” There was no doubt about that. Years of training about proper etiquette had allowed her to sit in silence while they sang the praises of the man she hated beyond all reason, but on the inside her stomach was turning and she had to force herself not to grab the microphone from the preacher and tell everyone exactly who they were all gathered to mourn that day. If she had been so tormented, she couldn’t even imagine what it had felt like for Emma to listen to it.

“I don’t know what to say,” she whispered.

At that, Emma came back to the moment. “You don’t have to say anything. It was my decision to come there.”

Regina nodded. “Why did you? Come there, I mean.”

“I really wish I knew. I was trying to decide if I wanted to re-enlist or get out and I guess I was trying to figure out if there was anything left for me on the outside. I guess….I guess I thought seeing you would help.” She shook her head in frustration at her inability to express herself. Why was this so hard to talk about?

“I thought that with Leo gone, maybe you and I could talk. I don’t know. It seems stupid now.”

“Not to me.” It sounded unbelievable. All those years of loneliness, of searching, and Emma had been right there. Close enough to touch and willing to talk to her. She closed her eyes, imagining what life would have been like if Emma had been successful in reaching her.

“So, what does my father have to do with it?”

_“Miss Swan? Emma?”_

_Emma whirled around, willing the tears in her eyes not to fall. This had been a huge mistake. What the hell had she been thinking, coming to her rapist’s funeral. Disgusted with herself, she tried to focus on the man in front of her._

_“Mr. Mills?”_

_“I thought that was you, dear. It is so good to see you.” He reached out a hand and Emma took it, thinking he wanted to shake it. Instead, he clasped it gently in both of his own._

_“Regina will be so happy that you are here. Have you seen her yet?”_

_She shook her head, not voicing the thought that she had no intention of staying long enough to make that happen. Henry seemed to sense it though, because he led her away from the edge of the crowd that had gathered outside the church and across the street to the park where they could sit._

_“My dear, thank you so much for coming today. It will mean the world to my daughter.”_

_Her eyes widened slightly in panic. “Please don’t tell her that I’m here. I don’t….I can’t do this.”_

_He nodded in understanding. “I won’t tell her if that is what you want, but I do hope that you will change your mind.” He hesitated slightly, seemingly unsure of how much he should say._

_“What is it, Mr. Mills?”_

_“I don’t know the specifics of all that occurred between you and my daughter. Regina is a very private person.”_

_She made a slight noise in agreement and waited for him to continue._

_“Her reaction when your name comes up tells me that whatever happened was truly terrible. You have been so hurt by members of my family and I feel as though I need to apologize for that, even though I don’t know what happened.”_

_“You don’t need to apologize, Mr. Mills. It has nothing to do with you.”_

_“Please call me Henry, my dear. And you are very sweet, but I know that you have been hurt not just by my daughter and son-in-law, but by Cora most of all.”_

_“What do you mean?”_

_He hesitated again. “Regina would be so angry if she knew that I am talking to you about this, but I truly believe it is best for both of you.”_

_She could feel her curiosity grow, but it was marred by her impatience. She wanted more than anything to get out of there and as badly as she wanted to hear where this was going, she was not going to be able to stay much longer._

_“Mr. Mil- Henry,” she corrected herself. “If you have something to tell me, please just tell me. Otherwise, I really need to be going.”_

_“My daughter feels the need to protect from the depths of the cruelty of the woman I married.”_

_She noticed that he did not call Cora his wife but chose not to comment on it. “That does sound like Regina,” she said instead._

_“She would never tell me exactly what made her marry Leo, but I truly believe that Cora was behind it.”_

_She sat back in disappointment. “That doesn’t make it ok.”_

_“Of course, it doesn’t,” he agreed. “But please, Emma. Just talk to Regina. Let her tell you what happened.”_

_“Why?”_

_“I love my daughter, Miss Swan. The pain she is in whenever she thinks of you….it’s unbearable to watch.”_

_The anger and disgust rose in her again. “That’s not my problem, Mr. Mills.”_

_“It’s not. Of course it’s not. But perhaps it would help you as well. Don’t you want to know the truth of what happened?”_

_She couldn’t deny that she did, but not enough to put herself through this anymore. She wanted to go home, sign her re-enlistment papers and then negotiate orders overseas where she could get as far away from this madness as possible. Forget that it even happened._

_The sight of Henry scribbling something on a piece of paper suddenly grabbed her attention. He handed it to her, and she noticed it was an address._

_“There is going to be a private memorial tonight at this house. Regina will be there. If you decide you want to speak with her, you can come. It starts at 8.”_

_She stared at it, wondering what the hell was the right thing to do. He saw her hesitation and continued speaking._

_“If you decide not to, you have my word that I will not tell Regina you were here. But Miss Swan, I truly hope I will see you tonight.” He patted her hand briefly, then got up and left her to her thoughts._

Regina’s mouth hung open when Emma got done with her story. “I never knew,” she whispered.

“It sounds like he kept his word then.”

“Yes.” She wanted to say more, but honestly had no idea what to say at all. Unconsciously, her hand reached up to brush the scar on her lip, as it always did when she thought about her parents.

“Regina?”

“Yes.”

“Will you tell me what happened to you?” She pointed at Regina’s hand to indicate that she meant the scar. Regina shook her head.

“This isn’t about me, Emma.”

Emma shrugged lightly. “What if I want it to be about you?”

“Why would you want that?”

She pulled the sweatshirt tighter around her body. The cold chills were returning and this time they were sticking around. She briefly noticed that Regina was shivering too. Either she was reacting to the situation as well or the night really was getting colder.

“Are you cold?”

“What?”

She nodded towards Regina’s shaking hands. “Are you cold?” she repeated.

Regina looked at her hands as though she didn’t even realize that they were still attached to her body. “I guess so.”

“Do you want to go back?”

She shook her head emphatically. “I want to finish this conversation. Do you want to go back?”

“Not particularly, no.”

“Ok. Then tell me why you want to make this about me.”

For a moment Emma didn’t answer and Regina had to wonder what was going through her head. They had been in this position so many times before. Both of them with things they wanted and needed to say to each other, but both of them too afraid to let the other one in.

“It wasn’t just Leo that broke us, you know.”

“I know,” Regina said.

“I’ve always known that there were things you weren’t telling me. I never knew how to get you to let me in. It’s why Leo was able to come between us in the first place.” She picked up a handful of sand and allowed it to slip through her fingers as she watched it trickle back down. “I don’t want to do that again. If we’re going to make this work, I want to know everything about you.”

“I want to know everything about you too,” Regina said eagerly. “More than anything.”

“And I want to tell you everything. I will, I promise. But right now, I want to hear something about your life.”

“Are you sure?”

“When your father said that you protected him from the depths of Cora’s cruelty, I realized that you used that to me as well. Am I right?”

Regina shifted uncomfortably. “I guess so. I don’t really realize when I am doing it.”

“You’re doing it now. Please tell me.”

Her hand brushed the scar again, this time a bit more nervously. “I’m not sure how to,” she confessed.

“How old were you?”

“Ten. I had gotten a B+ on a test.”

“She hit you for getting a B?” Her voice got louder in disbelief, but Regina misunderstood the tone.

“I’m not making it up.” She was barely speaking above a whisper and her eyes were firmly on the ground. Emma grabbed her hand and held it until Regina looked up.

“I know that. That’s not what I meant.” Regina nodded but did not speak.

“I’m sorry, Regina. Will you continue?”

“I…I wasn’t the smartest kid in the world. It drove her crazy when I got anything below an A, so I studied every night until I passed out. I was terrible at math, though. It didn’t matter how hard I studied; I just couldn’t understand it.”

“What happened, exactly?”

“I got a B+, but I was afraid to tell her. So, I kept telling her that we didn’t get the test back.” Her voice was quiet and emotionless, but clear enough that Emma could hear every word.

“A few days later, she ran into my teacher who told her how proud she was that I had done as well as I had. She assumed Cora knew my grade.” She could feel the cold dread that used to enter the pit of her stomach whenever she saw Cora’s car pull into the driveway deep inside of her now and fought it with every fiber of her being.

“She came home, furious. At first, she just yelled. Then she started emptying the drawers in my room and throwing all my things on the bed.” She stopped speaking then, suddenly terrified that she was about to cry. Emma waited patiently for her to continue. When she did, her eyes focused blankly ahead of her.

“She kept calling me a cockroach. Actually, she said that she would trust a cockroach to succeed in life more than me. Each item she threw on the bed, she said it again. A cockroach. I would trust a cockroach more than you. She said it over and over and over again. Then, she hit me. Slapped me across the face.”

Her voice and face were blank masks and to an outsider she would have sounded indifferent to the whole thing. Emma knew better, though. She knew Regina was trying to keep from breaking down because tears had always infuriated Cora when she was in a rage.

“She hit me over and over and then she switched hands. She had rings on the other hand and when she backhanded me, I tripped over my desk chair and I fell and bumped my head. I didn’t even realize that her ring had cut my lip because my head hurt so badly. She left the room and wouldn’t take me to the ER, so it healed on its own. I’ve had the scar ever since.”

Emma felt her heart break. “I’m so sorry, Regina.”

Regina shrugged. “It wouldn’t have been so bad if I hadn’t lied to her about the test. She probably just would have yelled and locked me in my room to study.”

“ _Don’t_ make excuses for her.”

Regina laughed shortly before picking up her story. “My father was there, but I didn’t see him until after she left the room. He watched the whole thing and didn’t do anything. He never did.”

“What did he say?”

“He got me cleaned up and comforted me. He felt like my guardian angel back then. He was always there to tell me that I was beautiful and worthy and that he loved me.”

“He did love you, Regina. That day at the funeral, he was so worried about you.”

“I know he did. He was gentle and kind and I adored him as a child. It made me want to protect him from her, even though he never protected me.”

“Are you angry at him for not standing up to her?”

Regina angled her body away from Emma’s and looked down at the sand once again.

“Yes,” she whispered. The shame was evident in her voice and it made the fury Emma felt towards both of Regina’s parents nearly overwhelm her.

“You have every right to be angry with him, Regina. It was his job to protect you and he failed miserably at it.”

“I was always so grateful to have him, even once I realized that he couldn’t handle the truth about Cora. I didn’t even realize I was angry at him until he died. It hit me at his funeral, and I wasn’t able to cry for him.”

She watched as Regina’s shoulders slumped and her fingers dug through the sand, making little piles. “Cora was so proud of me for how stoic I was at the funeral and it made me feel sick. I haven’t been able to grieve for him since.”

“Maybe you need to tell him how you feel,” Emma said. Regina looked at her in confusion, an eyebrow raising as she waited for Emma to explain.

“Archie, my therapist, always tells me that it is more important that you say what you need to than it is for the other person to hear you. Sometimes he has me write letters to people so that I can get out my feelings and everything I need to say.” She watched as understanding dawned on Regina’s face. “Maybe it would help if you wrote your father a letter expressing your anger. At least you wouldn’t be bottling it up anymore.”

“That’s a really good idea and I might actually do that. Thank you, Emma.” She squeezed the blonde’s hand and they sat in silence for a few minutes until she spoke again.

“I wish you had come to the memorial that day.”

It was Emma’s turn to shift uncomfortably. “Actually, I did come.”

Regina frowned. “You did? I didn’t see you.”

“Sort of. I saw you. I got to the house and you were outside talking to Mal.”

Regina’s eyes widened. “Why didn’t you say anything?”

“You were crying, Regina. Actually, you were sobbing in Mal’s arms. It looked like you were devastated because you lost the love of your life. I couldn’t take and I ran before you saw me.”

Regina buried her head in her hands. “Oh my god, Emma.”

“What?”

“I _was_ crying because I lost the love of my life. But not Leo. I never cried for Leo.”

“You didn’t?”

“Of course not!” She lifted her hands from her face and looked at Emma. “I was crying because I lost you. I was telling Mal how much I missed you.”

Emma looked at her dumbly. “You were?” Without warning, she began to laugh hysterically.

“What’s so funny?”

“We are!” She continued laughing, even though there wasn’t anything funny about any of this. “We keep doing shit like this to ourselves.”

Regina laughed too, although her laughter was at Emma’s reaction as opposed to seeing any actual humor in the situation. All at once she sobered up as a thought occurred to her.

“Wait. Are you saying that you’ve spent the last 11 years thinking I loved Leo?”

Emma stopped laughing as well. She almost didn’t want to answer, but she knew she had to. “Yeah,” she confessed.

“And you still talked to me when I got to the ship. You’re here now, willing to hear me out.” She shook her head in amazement. “I don’t understand how you can be so good.”

“Oh, I’m not perfect,” Emma said. “But I love you.”

Warmth spread inside of her chest and she could not keep from smiling despite the heaviness of the conversation. Her breath came out as a shudder as she thought about the implications of what she had just heard.

“What is it?”

“I don’t know how I got so incredibly lucky that you are even willing to speak to me,” she said slowly. “But I swear to you, Emma, I am not going to take a single minute of this chance you are giving me for granted.”

Emma laughed, a little embarrassed. “You better not,” she teased.

Regina stood and held her hand out to help Emma up. They stood and looked out at the horizon one last time before returning to the hotel hand in hand.


	23. Chapter 23

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I have brought this story out of hiatus again. Comments will remain off for a few chapters, until I get back into the rhythm of writing this story again.

When they returned to Regina’s hotel suite, Emma began to get ready to return to the ship for the last time. She went about gathering her belongings in silence, watching Regina who was making a point of trying not to look at her. All at once, she set down the sweatshirt that she had removed upon entering the room with a roll of her eyes.

“This is dumb, Regina.”

Regina looked up from the guitar she had been pretending to tune on her bed. “Beg your pardon?”

“I don’t want to go back to the ship right now.”

“Then don’t.” Regina set her guitar down with a shrug. It seemed pretty obvious to her.

Emma sat down beside Regina on the bed. “That thing is like your security blanket, you know?”

“What, my guitar?”

“Yeah. Do you go anywhere without it?”

Regina chuckled as she picked the guitar back up, not in the least bit offended. “No. But, then again, it is my livelihood.”

“The Navy is my livelihood. Doesn’t mean I don’t take breaks from the ship every now and again.”

“Fair point. I suppose, aside from being my livelihood, it is also my lifeline.”

“What’s that mean?”

She set the guitar down again to give Emma her full attention. “I’ve heard music in my head my whole life,” she said slowly. “I’m not sure how to explain what that means.”

“You don’t have to explain it to me.”

“No, I suppose not. You were always good at accepting what was different about me, even if you didn’t understand it.” She gave Emma a faint smile before continuing. “Did you know that I didn’t speak until I was 4?”

“Really?”

“Yes. My parents worried that I was… Let see how did Cora put it? Oh yes. Intellectually disadvantaged.” She laughed, albeit a bit bitterly, at the memory. “But it was because I didn’t hear words inside my head. I heard music.”

“You can remember that far back?”

“Yes. My father gave me my first guitar not long after my fourth birthday. It was one of those children’s guitars that are more toy than instrument. No one taught me to play it, I just picked it up and used it to express what was in my head. Words came very soon after.”

“And you’ve carried a guitar with you ever since?”

“I suppose I am just used to having it around. Maybe you’re right and it has become a security blanket of sorts for me.”

Quiet fell as Emma considered this. Regina returned to tuning her guitar and a few moments passed without a word.

“I haven’t forgiven you, you know.”

Regina shrugged without looking up from her guitar. “I’m aware,” she said, seemingly unbothered by the non-sequitur.

“I mean, what you did…”

“I’m aware,” she repeated lightly. “You don’t have to explain away what you’re feeling.”

“That’s not….I wasn’t trying to do that. I just meant that yeah, what you did was awful. But it doesn’t mean you deserve what Cora did to you.”

Stunned, Regina looked up at last. “What do you mean?”

She considered her words carefully. “I know you, Regina. I mean, I really know you.”

“And?”

“And…” Emma put her hand on Regina’s guitar to get her to put it down and look at her. “I think that maybe you feel like you don’t have a right to be hurt by Cora because of what happened between us.”

She wanted to give Emma her attention, but it was getting late and she could feel her filter begin to fail. If they continued down this road, there was no telling what would come out of her mouth. She shook her head hard as though to rid herself of thoughts that would get her into trouble.

“I want to have this conversation with you, Emma. I really do, but I am afraid that I am getting very tired. Would it be all right if we table it for a while?”

“Of course. Just…don’t table it for too long, ok? Don’t discount what happened to you just because you feel bad about what happened to me.”

She looked at Emma with wide eyes. In another lifetime, the earnest look on the blonde’s face would have had her leaning forward and capturing her mouth in a kiss. Now, she understood that there was a time and place for everything and that sometimes affection was a form of avoidance.

“I promise,” she said instead. 

“Good. Now about tonight?”

Regina nodded towards the extra room in the suite. “You can spend the night there, if you want to.”

“I’ll have to get up very early for duty. Probably a lot earlier than you want to get up on your vacation. You can join me on the ship once you wake up.”

“I don’t mind waking up early and accompanying you. It will give us a chance to have some breakfast here before we leave.”

A small smile crossed Emma’s face. “Are you sure you don’t mind if I stay?”

“Positive. I’m always glad for your company. Would you like a drink before bed?”

\---------------------------------------------

_The smoke was thick in the air, filling her lungs. She waved her hands in front of her face, trying to get her bearings, but when she looked down, her heart stopped for another reason._

_The compartment was filling with water._

The whimper that roused Regina from sleep was almost too quiet to hear. In fact, had she been sleeping peacefully, she likely would not have heard it. But her sleep was restless as she tried to process all that she and Emma had discussed that day and the noise was enough to wake her. Frowning, she tried to place it before she realized it was coming from the next bedroom.

_She slipped from the racks she was trying to climb over, and she felt the sharp pain in her ankle as she went down hard. Frantically, she tried to get up and stretched her arm out to the younger girl, willing her fingers to stretch far enough to reach her._

The whimpers grew louder as Regina tried to decide what to do. When she was plagued by nightmares, she did not like to be woken from them. The moments after she woke, when she tried to regain her bearings without revealing too much to the person waking her, were traumatizing enough that she actually preferred to remain asleep and push her way through the dream on her own.

When the whimpers turned to actual cries, she could ignore them no longer. She pushed off her comforter and entered Emma’s room, stopping for a moment at the door to take in the figure thrashing around in bed.

_A figure grabbed her and threw her over their shoulder. “No! No! Let me go! I need to get her out!” She pounded against the figure’s shoulder and screamed Lucas’ name at the top of her lungs. Whoever had her ignored her cries and threw her unceremoniously out of the escape hatch in the compartment. Pushing themselves out after her, they slammed the hatch shut seconds before the explosion came and everything went black._

A sharp cry, so loud it could almost be considered a scream, propelled Regina into motion from her spot at the doorway. She approached the bed and gently put her hand on Emma’s shoulder.

“Emma, wake up. You’re having a nightmare.”

There was no indication that Emma heard her as she continued to thrash in her bed. She laid down next to her and pulled her into her arms, hoping Emma would not be furious with her when she woke at last.

“Emma, sweetie. Wake up. You’re ok, you just need to get up.”

Emma sat up in bed, covered in sweat and tears. Quickly, Regina removed her arms and looked down at her hands to give her a moment to recover without prying eyes staring at her. After a moment, Emma cleared her throat and spoke.

“I’m sorry.”

“Don’t apologize. I think we are both familiar with nightmares and how frightening they can be.”

Emma closed her eyes and put her head in her hands. “I didn’t mean to wake you. I must have been really loud for you to hear me from the next room.”

Regina waved her hand dismissively. “I wasn’t really sleeping.”

They sat side by side on the bed, drawing comfort from each other’s silent presence. After a while, Regina dared to speak.

“Do you want to talk about it?”

There was no answer at first and Regina thought she would have to remain content with the offering silent reassurance. Then, without warning, Emma spoke.

“It was the fire.”

Regina nodded and waited for her to continue.

“It’s always the same, you know? I’m in the berthing, listening to Ruby scream. She’s begging me to save her and I can’t. Those stupid racks come crashing down and I fall.”

Knowing that there were no words now that would ease her pain, Regina just reached for her hand and squeezed it, hoping to offer her the strength to continue. Emma left her hand in Regina’s grip, but she kept her head downward as the tears came fast and heavy.

“I’ve been speaking to Archie about the fire a lot. I understand now, that I couldn’t have saved her and that Mary Margaret was right to pull me out of there.”

Involuntarily, Regina shuddered as her mind flashed back to the moment that Mary Margaret had told her how close Emma had come to dying that day. The thought of a world without Emma in it, even if they never spoke to each other again, was the most horrifying thought she had ever had. It had threatened to block the music in her head completely. It still did, to this day, if she stopped to think about it. Her grip on Emma’s hand turned instinctively tighter until the blonde winced in pain.

“Oh. I’m sorry,” she offered as she loosened her grip.

“S’ok.”

A few more moments passed as they sat, each lost in their own thoughts, until Emma spoke again.

“It’s my fault, you know.”

Regina wanted to protest the statement, but she knew that everyone that Emma had opened up to about the fire had already told her it wasn’t her fault. Emma clearly wasn’t ready to hear that.

“Tell me about her,” she encouraged softly instead.

“I was her Chief. I was supposed to take care of her. She was only 19 years old and it was her first time away from home.”

She smiled then, remembering the girl. “She was so smart. She was like a sponge, she just soaked up information.” The tears started coming again, but her voice sounded a bit lighter as she spoke.

“She was the life of our work center. No matter how many hours we had to work or how many tasks we had to accomplish, she was always there with a smile, ready to work. Everyone loved her.”

Regina nodded in encouragement, waiting for her to continue. “She was so excited to deploy. So many people see deployment as a huge inconvenience, but she saw it as an adventure. She couldn’t stop talking about all the places we were going to see.”

It seemed to for a while that Emma was not going to be able to continue, but Regina just waited patiently. She knew her well enough to know when the blonde was done purging herself and they weren’t there yet.

“She started having headaches a few weeks into that deployment. I had put her on night shift because she worked really well without supervision. There are a lot of interruptions during the day, but our night shift workers have to do in-depth maintenance on complicated systems without taking a break. She would work for hours on end without complaint. Except for the headaches.”

She shook her head, going over the series of events in her mind yet again. “When she started complaining about the migraines, I suggested she go to medical, but they are closed at night except for emergencies. She kept saying she would stay awake one day and go, but she was always too tired.”

The look in her eyes right then nearly broke Regina in two. “I was supposed to take care of her, Regina! Why didn’t I make her go? I should have ordered her to go or sent French to go with her first thing in the morning. Then maybe her headaches would have been under control and she wouldn’t have gotten one that night.”

The tears overtook her again and she buried her head in Regina’s chest. Regina stroked her hair softly and let her cry. When the tears slowed at last and she lifted her head up, Regina touched her face.

“I love you,” she said.

Emma shook her head. “I’m a mess.”

“No, Emma. Look at me.”

Emma obeyed and Regina leaned forward and kissed her softly. “You’re hurting so badly and I wish I could take some of that from you.”

“You can’t.”

“I know.” Boy, did she know. “But just because I can’t take your pain away doesn’t mean I am going to let you face it on your own. I’m here if you want me to be.”

This time, Emma leaned in for the kiss. “I do.”

“Ok.” Regina took a deep breath. “Do you want to tell me what happened that night?”

“No, but I think I should.”

“You don’t have to.”

“Actually, I think I do.” She pulled back and swung her legs over the side of the bed. Regina watched as she stood up and began pacing around the room. “If I don’t, I think I might explode.”

Regina nodded in understanding. She knew that feeling so well. “Tell me,” she said.

“She came to work that night and it was obvious that she was in pain. She was pale and in a bad mood. I remember that because she was almost never in a bad mood. French spoke to her and then she came to me to tell me about it. French thought that she should go down and see the Emergency doc.”

“But you didn’t agree?”

“No, I said that a headache wasn’t an emergency. Why did I say that? If I had told her to go, she would have been safe in medical, on the other side of the ship when the fire broke out.”

“Emma, a headache _isn’t_ an emergency. No matter what happened that night, you didn’t put Ruby’s life in danger by telling her that.”

“Right. I just told her to ignore the frequency of her headaches and go lie down.”

She didn’t respond at first, just raised an eyebrow. When Emma didn’t say anything, she spoke. “Is that really what you did? Because I know you pretty well and I just don’t think that is what happened.”

Emma’s head dropped in defeat. “No. I sent her to go lie down for a little while until it passed, and I ordered her to go to sick call in the morning. I told French to make sure that she went.” She laughed shortly. “Probably should have done that one day sooner.”

“Oh, Emma.” The voice, so full of compassion and understanding, broke through the remainder of Emma’s walls. She tried to fight it, but there was no stopping now until it all came out.

“That day….I’ll never forget it. I had gotten word of an impending inspection I hadn’t know about and I was really stressed out about it. We were down 2 Sailors in the work center because we had sent them for temporary duty in the mess decks and security. I didn’t see any way we could get all the work done before the inspection and when Ruby came in that night, I mistook her pain for attitude and snapped at her for not getting right to work. She ran out of the work center, crying.

“French went to go to talk to her and when she came back and told me about her migraine, I got annoyed. I didn’t go after her, I just told French to send her to her rack for a while and that I was sick of this and that she was to ensure that Ruby went to medical first thing in the morning.”

The tears had turned to sobs by then and she had to take a break before she could continue. Regina poured her a glass of water and took her place on the bed to hear the rest of the story. She watched Emma continue to pace.

“What happened next?”

Emma shrugged her shoulders. “You know the rest,” she said. “I went to the Chief’s mess to try and get some help with some inspection items. I was working at one of the tables when the announcement about the fire came on the ship’s PA system. When I heard the frame number of the location of the fire and realized how close it was to the berthing, it was like the whole world stopped. I ran over there, but it was too late. Mary Margaret pulled me out of there while Ruby was still screaming for me to help her.”

She collapsed on the bed near Regina, completely broken. Regina watched the sobs wrack her body and she wondered silently if she should attempt to talk to her or hold her. She settled instead for resting a hand on Emma’s back, hoping she could feel the strength she was trying to offer.

Despite knowing that it wasn’t what Emma wanted, she had to say this. “It wasn’t your fault.”

The cries, which had just begun to fade, started again. “It _was._ ”

“No, Emma.” She pulled the blonde to a sitting position and removed her hands from over her face and held them in her own. “It wasn’t. I know you’re not ready to hear that yet, but I will keep saying it until you believe me.”

“You don’t understand.”

“I think that maybe I do. I think that maybe the reason you can’t accept it when people tell you that what happened to Ruby wasn’t your fault is because you think they don’t know the whole story and they think you are talking about not being able to get her out of the berthing. And that if they did know the whole story, they would change their minds.”

She could tell by the look in Emma’s eyes that she was right. “Well, I know the whole story. Unless there’s more that you haven’t told me?” She waited, but Emma just shook her head. “Ok then. I know the whole story. I know that you lost your temper that night and blew off Ruby’s headache. And yes, that was a mistake, but you know what?”

Emma stared at her with unfocused eyes. She squeezed her hands and looked her in the eyes. “It’s still not your fault.”

“She still died, though.”

“She did, yes. Perhaps one day you will be able to mourn her properly. Until then, I will be here to tell you over and over that this wasn’t your fault.”

The cries were beginning to slow down and as Emma stared at her as though she had never seen her before, Regina could tell that this conversation was about to draw to a close. She wasn’t quite ready to let go of Emma’s hands, but when the blonde pulled them back, she reluctantly dropped them.

“Regina?”

“Hmm?” She tried out a smile, but Emma didn’t return it.

“Will you…will you stay?”

“Stay? You mean here?”

“Yes.” Emma squirmed a little but pushed through the discomfort. “Will you spend the night with me here? Not to…you know, just….”

“Stop Emma. I get what you’re asking. Scoot over.”

Emma did and Regina hesitantly reached her arms out. “Do you want to-?”

Emma settled down on her chest, sighing. Regina put her arms around her and tried not to assign to much meaning to what was happening. “Good night, Emma.”

“Good night, Regina.”


	24. Chapter 24

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Regina returns to the ship.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The remainder of this story has been outlined and drafted over the last week or so. With the finish line in sight (about 10 chapters away) I have re-opened comments. I look forward to your thoughts (I hope).

“Regina?”

Even though the blonde spoke in a whisper, Regina awoke immediately at the sound of her voice.

“What time is it?”

“5. I’m sorry to wake you so early, but I need to leave in 30 minutes, and you said you wanted to come with me. You can stay and sleep if you want, though, and join me later.”

“No, no. I’m good.” She rubbed the last of the sleep from her eyes as she sat up and attempted to get her bearings.

“Are you sure? I know I kept you up pretty late last night.”

“I’m good, Emma. Really.”

“Ok.” She moved back from the bed and began to gather her belongings from around the bedroom. Regina watched her in silence for a moment before realizing she needed to hurry up and get ready or she would cause Emma to be late returning to the ship.

“I’m going to go grab a shower and change. I’ll be ready to go in 20 minutes.”

Emma nodded and flashed a smile at her as Regina retreated into the master bedroom of the suite. As she hastily washed her hair and soaped up, her thoughts returned to the night before.

_“Will you…will you stay?”_

_“Stay? You mean here?”_

_“Yes.”_

A ghost of a smile appeared on her face as she remembered the feeling of Emma in her arms as they slept. They still had so far to go, but even if they never saw each other again after today, last night was a memory she would cherish forever. Not just the memory of holding her, but having Emma trust her enough to open up about something meant so much. She only hoped that her response to Emma’s confession was enough to help her take another step on her road to recovery.

She exited the shower and hastily dressed in the first set of clothes she grabbed out of her suitcase and put her wet hair in a ponytail, hurriedly swiping on some lip stick and mascara. Satisfied with the result, she left the bedroom, ignoring the mess she left on the floor. She found Emma in the mini kitchen, pouring them each a cup of coffee.

“That was quick.”

“I didn’t want you to be late. I apologize for oversleeping.”

Emma snorted, causing a bit of coffee to splutter out of her mouth. “It’s 5:20. You didn’t oversleep.”

Shrugging, she gratefully accepted the coffee that Emma held out to her and took a sip, closing her eyes in enjoyment.

“Regina?”

“Hmm?”

“About last night….” Her voice trailed off and Regina opened her eyes to see the blonde looking everywhere but in her direction.

“What about last night?”

“Um, I’m not really sure how to do this.”

“Do what? Emma, what is it?”

Emma shifted uncomfortably again and went to put her coffee mug in the sink. Last night had been the first time since the night of the fire she had told anyone the full story of what had happened. There was no reason to believe that she would feel anything but crushing guilt at the memory, but she had underestimated the impact of Regina’s presence. The brunette had remained quietly reassuring and strong while Emma was unburdening herself and listened to the story without judgement. Then, when she had witnessed the true weight of Emma’s guilt, she had kept Emma present in the moment, passionately insisting that it was ok to start to release some of the overwhelming burden that guilt had placed on her shoulders.

“Emma?”

Regina’s voice broke through her thoughts and she turned around to see worry in the brunette’s eyes. “Just….thank you.”

Regina visibly relaxed as she finished the rest of her coffee. “You’re welcome.”

“I mean it, Regina. You were amazing last night. Thank you.”

This was the Regina that she remembered from before it all went so wrong. This woman, who had hurt her so badly, had also once been her greatest source of comfort. She suspected that some part of her had never forgotten that, considering that when she was alone and drunk in Hong Kong, Regina was the only person she thought about calling.

She had come through for her that night in Hong Kong and she had come through for her last night again. She suspected, if given the chance, Regina would continue to come through time after time, without asking for anything in return. Was it fair to keep asking her to do that, not knowing if she would ever be able to move on from their past?

“Emma?”

It occurred to her suddenly that Regina had responded to her. “I’m sorry, can you say that again?

“I just said that I’m glad I was able to help. I understand how paralyzing guilt can be.”

She wondered briefly if Regina had anyone that she unburdened herself to. If there was anyone that helped ease the weight of her own guilt. She knew, given the circumstances, that she could never be that person for her, and she supposed it wasn’t really her place to wonder about it either. Still, she hoped that Regina had _someone._

Suddenly, she felt a hand on her shoulder, and she glanced up. “Whatever is going on inside that brain of yours is going to have to wait,” Regina said. “We need to go.”

\-------------------------------------------

“Ok, I need to get a pass down on what happened here yesterday and officially complete turnover, then I’m all yours. It should take about 30 minutes, then we can go down to the Mess and get some breakfast, ok?”

“You don’t have to entertain me at work, Emma. Do what you have to do. I’m fine.”

Emma nodded, though she still looked a bit concerned. Suddenly, her face lite up. “French!”

“Hello, Chief. How are you doing?”

“I’m good. Did you have duty yesterday?”

“Yep. Just got done with watch.”

Emma’s nose wrinkled in sympathy at the thought of the overnight watch. She hated that one, herself. Noticing her look, Belle laughed. “It wasn’t that bad.”

“How was the day?”

“Quiet. Boring.”

“Quiet and boring is good,” she commented.

“Agreed.”

“Anyway, will you do me a favor?” She waved Regina over as she spoke. “You remember Regina, right?”

Belle looked at the pair in curiosity. “Yes, of course. Hello, Ms. Mills. It’s nice to see you again.”

“You as well, dear. Please, call me Regina.”

“Regina. Anyway, what do you need me to do, Chief?”

“Can you show Regina the way to the shop for me? I’ll come get you from there when I’m done with turnover.” She added the last part for Regina’s benefit, who nodded in agreement.

The two brunettes walked through the hangar bay until they reached the door leading up to the work center. “Do you want me to keep you company until Chief gets here, Regina?”

“No, that’s not necessary, dear. I’m sure you have a busy day planned for your last day in Hawaii.”

Belle snorted. “Yeah, big plans. A 4 hour nap in my rack and a trip to the Exchange to stock up on energy drinks and underwear for the trip home.”

“I see you enjoy living on the edge, Miss French.”

“Yeah, that’s me all right,” Belle laughed. “I just love danger.”

Regina sat down at Emma’s desk and smiled a good-bye at her guide. Belle didn’t move, however.

“Is something the matter?”

“Well, this is a little embarrassing, but…”

Regina waited patiently, already knowing what was coming. She looked at Belle expectantly as the woman stuttered through her request for a selfie. She chuckled a bit and agreed.

“Thank you, Regina. You know, I am a big fan of your work.”

“That’s very sweet of you. I am a fan of yours as well.” At Belle’s confused look, she clarified. “Your Chief speaks very highly of you.”

“She does?”

Regina smiled at the look of wonder on Belle’s face. “She does, though I doubt she would thank me for telling you. Shall it be our secret?”

“Of course.” Belle nodded eagerly. “Have a good day, Regina.”

\------------------------------------------

Emma grabbed a donut off the food line and wandered back to the table where Regina was waiting for her, eyebrow raised. “What?”

“You eat like a child.”

She shrugged. “I am a child.”

“Seriously, Emma. It wouldn’t kill you to eat a salad every once in a while.”

“She’s right, you know, Emma.” Both women turned to see Mary Margaret walk up to the table. She pecked Emma on the cheek and sat down next to her, across from Regina.

“Why are you even awake at 7am when you’re not on duty?”

Mary Margaret shrugged. “I’ve been up for ages. I’m too old to sleep in.”

“You’re never too old to sleep in,” Emma shot back. Regina nodded in agreement.

“Not to change the subject or anything, Emma, but David is looking for you.”

Emma rolled her eyes. “He better not have some ridiculous task for me to complete,” she warned.

“Don’t shoot the messenger. He just told me to find you and send you down to his office.”

Once Emma had left the table, Regina lifted her cup of coffee and held up her index finger. “Can you give me a minute to drink some of this coffee before you start interrogating me?”

“What do you mean?”

“Well, let’s see. If I had to guess, I would say Emma texted you this morning and told you that I am accompanying her here today. Then, you had David come up with a reason to get her away from me so you can give me the third degree. How close am I?”

“She texted last night, actually.”

Regina chuckled at that. “I thought so.” She put her cup of coffee down and stared at Mary Margaret expectantly. “Go ahead.”

“You’re being awfully agreeable about this.”

“You’re Emma’s best friend.” She shrugged lightly, unconcerned. “Of course, you have her best interests at heart and are suspicious. I don’t have an issue with that.”

“How are things going with the two of you?”

She stopped to think about her answer for a moment. Personally, she did not have a problem with the woman knowing anything about her relationship with Emma, but Emma was an intensely private person, and she did not want to reveal anything that the blonde may not be ready for her friend to know. She decided to play it safe.

“We’re getting to know each other again.”

“And?”

“And…..we are taking things slow, Miss Blanchard.”

“Are you two back together?”

Regina sighed and picked up her cup of coffee again. “I really think that is a question you should be asking Emma.”

“I’m asking _you._ ”

Clearly, she wasn’t going to let this go and as irritating as it was, Regina understood where she was coming from. “We are taking things one day at a time. Actually, one conversation at a time. We haven’t discussed getting back together.”

“But?”

“You’re like a dog with a bone, did you know that?” She sighed again at Mary Margaret’s determined look. “ _But…._ we are working through our issues. Slowly.”

“Fair enough.”

“Is this the part where you warn me away from her?”

A rueful laugh dropped from the woman’s lips, lightening the mood a little. “No, I’ve learned my lesson about that. She really didn’t appreciate it when I tried that the last time.”

“No, I imagine she didn’t.”

“Emma is an adult, and she makes her own choices. All I ask is that you be careful with her. She’s been through a lot.”

Regina breathed a quiet sigh of relief when she realized that was as far as the conversation was going to go. They sat in companiable quiet for a bit, enjoying their breakfast, until Emma stalked back into the room.

“Hey, Mary Margaret, you wanna tell me why David’s yeoman is suddenly not good enough to deliver the daily reports to the department duty officers?”

Mary Margaret blushed. “Is that what he wanted?”

“Don’t play innocent.” She looked at Regina. “You ok? How bad was it?”

“I’m fine, Emma. Really, it was not a big deal.”

Emma relaxed and dropped back into her seat. The three women made small talk for a bit, then Emma cleared her throat. Regina looked up sharply.

“What is it?”

The blonde squirmed in her seat a bit before she spoke again. “Do you remember when you said you would go to therapy with me?”

Ignoring Mary Margaret’s look of surprise at the question, Regina nodded. “Yes, of course.”

“Well…” she squirmed again, and Regina smiled at her in encouragement. “I know it’s probably not the way you want to spend your birthday, but I have a session with Archie scheduled for this afternoon and I was hoping you would come with me.”

Saddened by the discomfort on Emma’s face and the lack of eye contact, she touched her hand briefly. “Of course, I will.”

“Yeah?”

“Emma, of course. I said I would, didn’t I? What time is the appointment?”

“1500. That’s-“

“3 in the afternoon. Yes, I know.”

Emma grinned at her before her attention was captured by 2 Sailors approaching their table holding something between them. “Thanks, guys,” she said.

“What’s this?” Regina asked in confusion.

The 2 Sailors placed a cake on the table in front of Regina, who stared at Emma in wonder. “I thought we agreed that we were acting like this day wasn’t happening.”

“No, _you_ said that. I never agreed to it.”

A little embarrassed, she shook her head. “It’s beautiful. Thank you.”

“Let me guess. You’ll kill me if I have the Mess sing to you?”

“In ways more painful than you can comprehend.”

Emma laughed. “How about a gift instead, then?” She nodded at Neal Cassidy, sitting a few tables away and he stood up and joined them.

“Hi, Regina,” he said, holding out his hand. As she had been the first time they met, she was charmed by his easy-going smile.

“Hello, Mr. Cassidy. It’s nice to see you again.”

“It’s Neal,” he said easily and handed her a wrapped package. When she opened it, she found a photo album. Confused, she looked up at Emma for an explanation.

“Neal works in Media department,” she said. “When you said you were coming to the ship, I sent him digital files of pictures of my previous deployments and asked him to make them into an album for you.”

Her heart melted as she slowly opened it to the first page to find pictures of Emma in her first year in the Navy posing with her friends at the Opera House in Sydney. She closed it again, deciding to look through the rest when she was alone. Out of the corner of her eye, she caught sight of Emma looking at her.

“We missed a lot of time with each other,” Emma said softly. She nodded in agreement at the statement and looked down at the cover of the album.

Emma continued. “I thought this could be a way you could see what I was up to during our time apart. Maybe one day, you can show me what your life was like.”

She kept her gaze on the album cover, terrified to look up in case the tears that were threatening the back of her eyes found their way down her face. She cleared her throat, hoping to get rid of the lump that had grown there and said, “I’m sure we can figure something out.”

“Turn around guys,” Emma suddenly said to Neal and Mary Margaret.

“How come?”

“Because I am in uniform and can’t participate in public displays of affection. So, turn around, would you?”

They complied and Emma put her finger under Regina’s chin and tilted her face up.

“I-I don’t know what to say. This is incredible.”

“I’m glad you like it.”

“I love it,” she said softly. “Thank you, Emma.”

Emma glanced around to ensure no one was watching and placed a gentle kiss on her lips. “Happy Birthday, Regina.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Coming up: Regina and Emma attend therapy.


	25. Chapter 25

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Regina and Emma attend therapy.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter ends in an awkward place because it was getting a bit long and heavy and I decided to split it up. Part 2 of their therapy session will be posted in the next day or two.

“It’s a pleasure to meet you, Miss Mills.”

“Regina,” she corrected. To anyone observing the situation, she appeared completely calm and at ease with the situation in which she found herself. Archie, however, had not only practiced therapy for over 20 years, but he had also spent the majority of that catering to the mental health of deployed service members. He had seen some of the toughest nuts to crack in the many makeshift spaces he had used as offices over the years.

He took in her relaxed demeanor and wondered if she was even aware how her eyes had glanced at the door for just a fraction of a second too long. Or how she had waited for Emma to sit down first before she followed suit.

“Regina, then,” he agreed with an easy smile. “Thank you for coming in.”

“Of course,” she said. She flashed him a smile, the one that he knew from previous sessions with Emma was one that she used in professional settings to disarm strangers. It was clear to him that she was nervous, but she was doing a remarkable job of hiding it. In almost any other setting, he would have been intimidated by this woman’s presence and aura of sheer confidence.

“Emma told me that this was your idea.”

She nodded and glanced to the blonde seated to her left. The smile on her face softened for just a fraction of a second. He knew he was a long way from understanding who this woman really was, but even in just the minute or two she had been in his office, he could see that Emma wasn’t wrong in her instincts. Regina definitely cared about her.

“Can you share a little bit about why you wanted to do this?”

“Certainly. Emma and I have had-“

She was cut off by Archie’s hand raising slightly in the air. “Not to me, Regina. Talk to Emma.”

Emma could see the slight flash of irritation in her eyes before it disappeared as Regina turned to her. She stifled a smile, knowing that Archie was being a bit protective on her behalf. He would obviously never be anything less than completely professional, but she knew that he was not going to make things easy for Regina. It was his way of testing her commitment and she had to say that she appreciated it.

“Emma, you and I have had several conversations over the last several months, ones that have brought back a lot of very painful memories. I am sure that some of things that I have told you recently have been overwhelming and I wanted to make sure you had a chance to ask me anything you want in a place where you feel safe.”

“Do you feel safe here, Emma?” Archie asked. At Emma’s nod, he probed further. “Is Regina correct? Do you have questions you want answered?”

“God, yes,” she exclaimed, making the other two chuckle a bit.

“All right, then. Let’s establish some ground rules.”

“Ground rules?” Regina asked.

“Yes. I have found over the years that when 2 people are about to delve into difficult topics of conversation, that it is best to set some rules going in. I’ll share the ones that I request that you two adhere to, then I’ll give each of you a chance to explain what you need from each other to make this as productive as possible. Does that sound fair?”

Both women nodded and Archie began. “I really only have one and that is that you don’t interrupt each other. You will each be given all the time that you need to talk, but it is very important that you hear each other out without interruption. Ok?”

Again the women agreed and Archie turned to Emma. “Emma, what are your requests for this conversation?”

Emma thought for a moment before speaking. “Don’t lie to me,” she said.

“Is that all you would like to request?” he probed.

“Believe me it’s not as easy at it sounds. Don’t lie to protect me, Regina. I need to hear all of it, even the parts you think will hurt. Don’t treat me like some delicate flower, ok?”

“Can you agree to that, Regina?”

“Yes, of course,” she replied.

“All right, then. Regina, what are your requests for this conversation?”

“I don’t have any.”

“You see?” Emma said, jumping to her feet. “Do you see what I mean? She’s already doing it, falling on her sword so she doesn’t upset me. Quit playing the martyr, Regina. Talk.”

“Is that what you’re doing, Regina?” Archie asked gently.

She flushed a bit but nodded. “I suppose it is.” The calm façade that she had presented when she entered the office was already beginning to crack and her nerves were starting to show on her face.

“Ok, then. Why don’t you take a second to think about it before you try answering again.”

She complied, thinking for a moment. “I’m not sure how to word this,” she admitted.

“Do the best you can. We will make sure we understand before we move on.”

“I suppose I just need Emma to understand- I mean I need _you_ to understand,” she corrected herself, turning to Emma once more. “I am prepared to give you whatever answers you ask for. But there is a pretty good chance you will not find them satisfactory. I don’t find them satisfactory and I have spent a long time second guessing my choices.”

Her voice trailed off as she realized she couldn’t quite figure out what she was trying to say. Archie attempted to help her out.

“Regina, are you asking Emma not to dismiss the choices you made”

She shook her head in frustration at her inability to express herself. “My choices sound like excuses. Because they _are_ excuses, but at the time they felt like the best I could do. I just don’t think I could handle hearing them brushed off.”

“Emma?”

Emma shrugged. “I won’t brush you off, Regina. I may not agree with the choices you made and maybe there will be things you tell me that I will want to you to explain your reasoning more. But I promise to try to understand.”

She sighed in relief. “Thank you.”

“All right then, ladies. Is there anything you would like to add before we get started?”

Both women shook their heads. “Ok. Emma, go ahead. What is it you want to ask Regina?”

Regina turned to her; the anxiety clear on her face. Now that the mask had slipped, she was finding it difficult to get it back. Without the protection it offered her, she felt vulnerable and afraid as she waited for Emma to speak.

“Can you tell me again what happened?”

She didn’t exactly relish the idea of rehashing this story again, but she supposed that was what they were here for. “Where do you want me to start?”

“When I left,” she said.

“I know that I didn’t react the way you needed me to,” she began. “That I took too long to respond. You left and I was there, frozen. By the time I snapped out of it, you were long gone.”

She could feel Emma’s eyes boring into her, but she kept her head down as she spoke. There were parts of this story where she would be able to look and see Emma’s reaction, but remembering that day was too much. Emma’s words as they sank into her brain, the long search to try and find her, the blood in the apartment bathroom. She had spent many years trying to erase all that from her memory.

“I searched for you all day and most of that night.” Emma’s gaze remained on her as she continued her story. “I tried everywhere I could think of. Your job, the park, all of the places we normally went. When I ran out of ideas of places to look, I just drove around aimlessly hoping to spot you.”

She paused to see if Emma had any questions, but the blonde remained quiet. “Can I ask….” She finally lifted her head to meet Emma’s gaze. “Where did you go?”

Emma shifted in her chair, her bouncing leg betraying her own anxiety. “I didn’t really go anywhere,” she revealed. “I drove around most of the day in the bug, other than going to get my stuff from the apartment. I spent the night in the bug, by the bus stop where we met.”

Regina cursed her own stupidity. How had she not thought of that? Shaking her head, she continued her narrative. “I got home about 3 in the morning. Your stuff was gone, and I didn’t know what to do.”

Her ears started to have a strange ringing sound and her voice sounded as though it were coming from far away as she spoke. She tried desperately to stay in the present, but her mind drifted.

_The dark, empty apartment._

_The bare closets._

_The blood in the shower._

_The towel on the floor._

_She sank down to her knees at the sight in front of her. Stomach clenching violently, she vomited into the toilet and sat there, too numb to cry. Too tired to try and figure out what to do next._

“Regina?”

Archie’s voice snapped her back into the present and she swallowed down the taste of the bile that was threatening to rise in her throat at the memory. He looked at her to make sure she was ok to continue.

“Emma asked a question,” he said gently. She turned to Emma with unseeing eyes.

“Why didn’t you call the police?”

“I was afraid to,” she confessed. “I was already beating myself up for not listening to you immediately when you told me what happened, and I didn’t want to mess it up again.”

She could see that Emma wasn’t happy with her explanation, but she didn’t ask for clarification. After a few minutes, the blonde spoke.

“Why did you have to bring him into our lives? Everything was fine until that happened.”

Perhaps Regina had been wrong and there wasn’t going to be a single part of this story where she would be able to look Emma in the eyes. “I was selfish,” she said quietly. “I wish I had a better answer for you, Emma, but there it is.”

Emma watched her face closely to try and determine if she was telling the truth. She wanted to believe her, wanted to believe that there wasn’t some darker, nefarious reason that she had brought Leonardo into their lives. Regina’s eyes remained troubled, but from what she could tell, she was telling the truth.

Her heart sank a little bit. She was relieved that Regina had not been pressured into seeing Leo by Cora, but she couldn’t deny that a part of her had hoped that there was some sort of explanation for it. Knowing that Regina had willingly introduced him into their inner circle was a bitter pill to swallow.

“Back then….I thought I could have it all. I was flattered by the fact that someone as well known as Leo had an interest in my career and I thought I could I work for him and keep you in my life as well. Even when it became so obvious that wasn’t what was happening, I couldn’t seem to stop.”

“I remember,” Emma said. “It was always, one more month, one more meeting, one more song. I second guessed every decision I made back then, wondering how I could get you to look at me the way you used to before he came in and ruined everything. What did I do wrong, Regina?”

Regina felt her heart shatter. Nothing had prepared her for that question. She had prepped herself for questions about Leo, about Cora, about her career. But nothing had come close to learning that Emma had spent that time period blaming herself for the growing distance between them.

Archie, who had been mostly quiet up until that point, spoke up. “Regina, you seem very affected by what Emma just said. What are you feeling?”

“My heart is breaking,” Regina admitted. “Emma, you never did anything wrong. I just got swept up in the excitement of having my career take off and I neglected you. I neglected our relationship. It wouldn’t have mattered what you did.”

Emma’s face showed exactly what she thought about that. Reading her correctly, Regina hurried on.

“I know that you think I’m lying again because I am trying to take the blame for all of it on myself. But, Emma, in this particular instance it’s true. Remember when we talked about Hong Kong? How you said that’s on you and I needed to let you take responsibility for it?”

Emma nodded and Regina leaned forward in her eagerness to make her point. “Well, this is just like that. This one is on me. Please, if you take nothing else away from this session, believe me about this.”

“Emma?” Archie broke in again, his voice gentle.

She felt some of the weight in her heart dissipate a little. She had spent years trying to figure out what she could have done differently. How she could have made Regina love her enough to turn her back on Leo and everything he had promised her.

“I believe you,” she said at last. Regina sat back in her seat; relief evident on her face. “I’m just not sure how to let it go, though.”

“We can work on that together,” Archie promised. “Was there anything else you want to discuss with Regina?”

She nodded. Regina waited for her to speak, the fear twisting her gut into ugly knots. She knew what was coming. At this point all she could do was wait for Emma to ask why she had taken everything that had once been good between them and thrown it away.

Why she had betrayed her in the most loathsome way imaginable.

She knew that Emma was working on forgiving her. She didn’t know why she was doing it or where she was drawing the strength from to even try. But she believed Emma when she said that she wanted them to be able to move past this.

What she didn’t know, however, was how on earth that was possible. How _anyone,_ even someone as good and generous as Emma, could forgive an action as heinous as the one that she had committed. And that scared her more than anything, because for all of Mal’s warnings to be careful and her own self admonishment not to get carried away, she had felt a spark of hope grow inside of her ever since their talk on the boat months earlier. A spark that had grown, despite all of her efforts to keep it in check and she couldn’t help but wonder when it would all come crashing down again.

Sure enough, Emma was speaking again. “I want to talk about the marriage,” she said. Her voice was barely above a whisper, but Regina had imagined those words so many times that she heard them as well as if Emma had been shouting.

If Regina’s insides were twisting at the thought of what was about to come, Emma’s felt no better. She knew that, for her, this was the defining moment. She needed to understand why Regina had done what she had done if she was ever going to be able to move past this.

She thought back to everything she and Regina had shared over the last few days. The walks on the beach.

The music Regina had played for her.

Regina holding her as she unburdened herself about the fire.

The re-awakening of the long-buried desire when Regina kissed her.

She had had all of this before. A woman that listened to her and loved her for who she was. A woman that made everyone and everything else in the world disappear when she held her in her arms. She wanted all that again, with Regina, but first she had to listen to this.

She had heard the story the first time Regina had told it to her, but she hadn’t really been able to get past the fact that Regina had fallen on her sword yet again, chaining herself to a monster like Leo. Now she needed to listen in order to try to understand. To see if she could make sense of what had happened.


	26. Chapter 26

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Regina and Emma continue their therapy session.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is more like Chapter 25 part B than its own chapter.
> 
> ***Trigger Warnings***
> 
> Various issues get brought up in their sessions with Archie, including Emma recounting her assault in this chapter. Please read with caution!
> 
> As always, there is a brief summary at the end of chapter notes for those that wish to avoid the triggers.

_I want to talk about the marriage._

Regina’s stomach lurched as she processed the request. This was why she was here. This was the reason she had suggested this in the first place, but now that the moment was here, she was suddenly doubting if she could do this.

Her marriage to Leo had been 4 years of sheer hell. The only thing that had gotten her through the experience was the fantasy that she had created for herself that Emma was somewhere in the world, thriving, moving past what had happened to her.

What Regina had done to her.

She could feel Emma looking at her and knew that she could delay the inevitable no longer. “What do you want to know?” she asked at last.

“Help me understand,” Emma begged. “Help me understand how you could see with your own eyes what he did to me and still agree to marry him. Help me understand how you could have done that and still say that you’ve loved me all this time.”

“I’ve already told you all this, Emma. You _know_ what happened.”

“Tell me again,” Emma replied stubbornly. “I know what happened, but now I need to know what you were thinking at the time. What you were feeling. Make me understand, Regina.”

She didn’t understand it herself, so she didn’t know how she could possibly make Emma understand. Still, Emma was waiting for an answer and so, steeling herself, she began to speak.

“Leo proposed to me at a family dinner,” she started. “When he did, I was completely stunned. Just like that day at the apartment, I just sat there completely frozen.”

Her mind thought back to that day. Her mother’s pleased smile, her father’s worried expression. Her own shocked silence. “He was so….smug. Sitting there like nothing had happened. Like he didn’t know that I knew what he had done. It was already taking all of my self-control to sit at a table with him and my parents and not beat him senseless.”

Emma could imagine this was true. Back then, Regina’s temper had been legendary, particularly when it came to defending Emma.

“I always wondered how you didn’t. Hit him, I mean. You were ready to fight 4 men in a bar just for calling me a filthy dyke.”

Despite herself, Regina chuckled briefly at the memory. “I don’t have an answer for that. All I know is that for weeks after the…the…incident-”

“The rape,” Emma corrected harshly.

“The…rape,” she repeated quietly. “For weeks after the rape, any bit of confrontation had me frozen in place and back in the apartment unable to help you.”

Archie broke into the narrative. “Everyone responds to trauma differently,” he explained. “Most people know about the brain’s fight or flight reaction. What many people do not know is that there is a third option, that is actually quite common.”

“Freeze?” Emma asked.

“Exactly. Emma, you respond to trauma by running. It sounds like you respond by freezing, Regina.”

“What the hell do _you_ have to be traumatized by?” Emma demanded. “I was the one that was attacked.”

The moments ticked by, one by one, as everyone remained silent. At last Archie spoke. “Regina, how much do you now about what happened in the apartment that night?”

“I know that he raped you,” she answered, turning to Emma. “I know that he made you bleed because I saw the blood in the shower.”

Emma felt her lungs constrict as she tried to gulp in enough air to keep breathing. Her legs were bouncing wildly and suddenly she shot up and began pacing around the room. She wanted out of this room and she wanted off this stupid boat. She wanted to run, just as she had that night, until she was safely away from everyone that knew what had happened to her.

Regina and Archie waited quietly as she stalked around the room, knowing that movement helped calm her. At last, the pacing began to slow down, and Regina spoke. “Do you want to tell me?”

She snorted derisively. “Are you sure you want to hear it? I don’t want you to _freeze_ again.”

She took the blow without flinching and asked again. “Do you want to tell me?”

Emma let out the breath that she had been holding in a loud sigh. “I don’t think I can,” she said quietly.

Regina nodded and prepared to continue speaking about Leo’s proposal. Before she could start speaking, however, Emma broke in again.

“I thought he was _you_.”

“What?”

“I thought he was you,” she said again. “I had just gotten out of the shower and I was still in the bathroom. I heard the door open and I just kept brushing my hair because I thought it was you coming home from your recording session.”

Regina opened her mouth to speak, but a look from Archie cut her off. Emma wasn’t done.

“If I had checked my phone before I got in the shower, I would have seen your text that you would be at the studio all night. Maybe I could have protected myself.”

“Do you really believe that, Emma?” Archie asked quietly.

“Yes! Or maybe….I don’t know.”

“One of the hardest things to accept about something like this is that there likely isn’t anything you could have done that would have resulted in a different outcome. He entered your apartment with the intention of assaulting you and he wasn’t going to leave until he had accomplished that.”

“I should have fought him more! He was old and drunk. I _know_ I was stronger than him! Why didn’t I hit him or….or…. kick him or something?”

Archie said nothing.

“It’s that freeze reaction, isn’t it?” she asked.

He nodded. “As I said, it is more common than most people know. And it is probably a good thing it is, because statistics tell us that it saves many lives.”

“What do you mean?”

“I have no idea if this will be of any help to you or not, Emma, but the reality is the statistics say he would have assaulted you regardless. If you had fought harder, you would have just ended up more injured. Or worse.”

Regina was nodding in agreement, but Emma couldn’t look at her. “I still should have-“

Ignoring Archie’s instructions, Regina interrupted her. “You survived, Emma. That means that whatever choices you made that night were the right ones.”

“He dragged me into the shower and slammed the side of my head against the wall.” Her voice was starting to break as the memories came flooding back, causing the tears to fall hard and fast. “It…hurt. It hurt….so bad and I…I…”

Regina forced herself to remain in her chair. Every instinct inside of her was screaming at her to go to Emma and gather her in her arms and dry her tears, but she didn’t.

“He shoved his….fingers inside of me. He said that….dykes l-like that and that I would too.” She stopped speaking and cried silently for a few minutes. Regina watched helplessly as she cried, wanting to comfort her, but knowing there was no comfort for this type of pain. She told herself that the only thing that she could do at that point was listen. She would do that, no matter how hard it was.

“Do you need a break, Emma?” Archie asked.

Emma shook her head. “No…I can keep going.” She looked over at Regina who once again had her gaze fixed on her hands folded in her lap. “Look at me, Regina.”

Regina forced her gaze upwards but stopped just short of actual eye contact. She didn’t know how she would ever look Emma in the eyes again, hearing what she had suffered that night. Knowing that she was the one that introduced Emma’s rapist into her life and then had tacitly been complicit with him through her own actions.

“I said look at me!” Emma snapped. “I went through this, the least you could do is look at me while I tell you about it.”

She nodded and forced her eyes even higher. Terrified of what she would see there, she met Emma’s gaze.

“After he used his fingers, he said….he said he would fuck the dyke out of me.” The tears were gone suddenly, and her voice was calm, as though she had put herself somewhere else entirely. Regina shuddered as she listened, knowing what was coming and wishing with all her heart that she was somehow wrong.

She wasn’t.

“I don’t really remember this part of it,” Emma continued, in that same calm tone. “He put….himself in-inside of me, but it was like I wasn’t really there. My mind was somewhere else entirely.”

To Regina’s surprise, there was no anger or disgust in Emma’s gaze. She saw pain, so much pain, and a touch of sadness. But the hatred she would expect to be there was nowhere to be found.

“I thought of you, Regina. And it got me through. I thought of changing your tire and the first time you told me you loved me. And it felt like, if I did that, it didn’t matter what he was doing to my body because my mind was safe. With you.”

“And then, I didn’t come home,” Regina said. “You stayed in the apartment waiting for me all night. And I never came.”

“Yes,” she said simply.

“Emma…”

“No don’t,” Emma said shaking her head emphatically. “There isn’t anything you can say that will change what happened that night and that isn’t why we are here, anyway.”

“What do you mean?” The apologies and self-recriminations were bubbling up inside of her and she forced them down.

“We’re here for you to answer my questions.”

She almost laughed at that, it sounded so absurd. “Why?”

“What do you mean, why?”

“I mean….” She gestured helplessly around her. “What’s the point? You’re right, Emma. Nothing I can tell you will change what happened or what I did to you. Maybe….maybe we were wrong. Maybe there isn’t any way past all this.”

“The point is that it’s what I want. I deserve that, Regina.” She turned to Archie. “Don’t I?”

“Everyone deserves to make a request based on what they need.”

She turned back to Regina. “I need this, Regina. Please?”

“Ok.” She took a sip of water and prepared to continue. “Well, like I said, Leo proposed, and I froze. I didn’t say yes, but I also didn’t say no and that is all she needed.”

“Cora?”

“Yes,” she nodded. “Cora is my mother,” she explained to Archie.

_“Will you marry me, Regina?”_

_“Yes.”_

As it always did when she thought about that day, the memory of her mother speaking for her had her breaking out in a cold sweat.

“You were 24, Regina. Not a child. You could have said no.” There was no anger in her voice, just confusion as she pointed out the obvious.

“I know. And I did say no. Several times after that day, in fact. But Cora never listened to anything she didn’t want to hear.”

Emma laughed darkly. “I remember,” she said.

“For what it’s worth, Emma, I never had any intention of going through with it. I wasn’t even going to show up at the wedding. In fact, I had already told him that and fired him and hired Mal as my full-time manager.”

“What happened?”

“He told Cora that I broke it off and she confronted me. I wasn’t even listening to her. The whole time she was talking, I was planning on hiring a private detective to find you and beg your forgiveness.”

“And then she told you about the file?”

“Yes.” She drew in a deep breath. “I-I need a minute. Is that ok?”

“Of course, it is,” Archie replied. “Take your time.”

She barely noticed Emma’s worried gaze on her as she focused on the trembling hands still clasped together in her lap. She wasn’t the same young woman that Cora was able to so easily manipulate, but she still felt like that girl sometimes. Sometimes it was hard to remember that she wasn’t helpless.

She took another sip of water and continued. “Cora confronted me with the file and threatened to go to your chain of command with it. She threatened to out you publicly and I couldn’t let that happen.”

“Maybe you should have,” Emma said. “Better that than what you did instead.”

Her head dropped at that. “Maybe,” she said.

“Regina, _talk_ to me.”

“I don’t know what you want me to say!”

“Regina, I think Emma would like to know what was going through your mind at the time,” Archie said. Emma nodded eagerly. “Tell us what you were feeling when your mother did that.”

“I felt trapped! The information about where you were stationed was right in front of me and I just wanted to rip it out of Cora’s hands and go find you.”

Her voice broke when she thought about it and she had to stop briefly again. “I used to have a fantasy where I would tell you what Cora wanted to and you….just agreed to let it happen. Let yourself get discharged and come back to me.”

“I might have,” Emma said.

She shook her head. “Maybe. Or maybe….”

“Maybe what?”

“There was a story in the papers in Boston not long before that day about a Marine that was beaten to death because his sexuality was discovered. So maybe you would have left the service and come back to reignite our relationship or maybe you would have been found dead in a ditch somewhere.”

Emma struggled to comprehend what she was hearing. She didn’t understand what Regina had done. She would likely never be ok with the choices she had made, but she _did_ understand a little bit of what Regina had been feeling. She could accept that Regina genuinely felt trapped and like she had no reasonable choice to make that didn’t risk them both getting hurt beyond repair.

“Is that what you thought, Regina? That I would have…..died?”

“Yes,” Regina said honestly. “I was terrified. I thought you would be beaten or killed, and I just couldn’t let that happen. I thought….I thought that if I did this and it kept you safe that maybe it would make up for the fact that I wasn’t there that night. Maybe I could start to move past how badly I had failed you.”

Emma stared at her for a long moment. “Regina,” she said.

Regina buried her head in her hands. Unable to respond, she sat in her chair shaking, trying to recover her composure.

“Emma? Does that answer your question?” Archie asked.

“I mean, yes, I guess it does. But I don’t know where to go from here.”

Regina removed her hands from her face. “What do you mean?”

“Regina, what you did to protect me….It was strong and brave and it’s not that I am not grateful, but I just wish that you had chosen to come to me. I wish we could have faced it together.”

Regina nodded. “I know that now.”

“And I get that it’s not really fair because I kind of threw out our chance to face things together when I disappeared,” she continued. “But hearing that you could have given me that choice again and instead decided to make the choice for me? Its….I don’t know, Regina. It’s hard.”

“You feel violated again,” she said.

“In a way, yes I guess I do,” Emma replied. “But… _but_ , I can also separate that and see that you were in an impossible position. And maybe even allow for the fact that you maybe saved my life. Thank you, Regina.”

It was hard to say which one of them was more surprised when Regina burst into tears. “Damn it,” she choked out. “I hate crying.”

Emma rolled her eyes. “No, you don’t. You just hate crying in front of other people.”

She acknowledged the truth of that with quick shrug and accepted the box of Kleenex that Archie offered her silently. When she had composed herself a little, she realized that Emma was speaking.

“What was the marriage like?”

“It wasn’t much of a marriage,” she said honestly. “I worked all the time, mostly because I hated being in that house. Mal kept on being my manager, so I didn’t have to work with him. And he drank a lot and was rarely at home either.”

“Did you…you know?”

“Did I what?”

Emma rolled her eyes. “You know, did you-?”

Archie stepped in to help. “I believe that Emma is trying to ask if you and Leo were intimate.”

“Oh.” She turned to Emma who nodded in confirmation. She thought back to Leo’s clumsy drunk pawing at her and shuddered a bit. “Yes. Not often but….enough. Yes.” She offered no more information than that and Emma didn’t ask. Instead, her eyes filled with the disgust that Regina had been expecting earlier. 

“What the hell were you thinking?”

She didn’t reply and Emma began to grow angry for the first time. “Were you thinking of me when he fucked you on your wedding night?” she demanded. “Were you thinking about what he did to me when you let him sleep next to you every night?”

Still, she did not respond and Emma snapped. “Answer me, damn it!”

“Yes!” she shouted. “Yes, ok? I did think of you on my wedding night. I thought of you every night. And every time I closed my eyes, I saw your face covered in blood. I woke up every night in the middle of the night hearing your voice telling me what he had done to you and I saw myself just standing there, not able to do anything. Is that what you wanted to hear?”

She was crying again, but it didn’t stop her this time. “I never stopped thinking about you. When I woke up with nightmares, I would watch him sleep and think about what he did to you and I just wanted to kill him. I used to pray for him to die and then one day he did, and I _still_ couldn’t do anything. That’s what you saw that evening at the memorial, when I was crying with Mal. It was finally over, and I couldn’t do anything because I had fucked up so badly that I could never face you again. I just wanted to tell you how sorry I was. Because I am, Emma. I am so, so sorry.” 

Both women were crying now, so Archie called a time out while they calmed down. When they appeared ready to listen, he kept his voice even and calm so as not to spook either one of them.

“I think that is more than enough for one day,” he said. “Let’s talk about our plan of action moving forward.” He waited to make sure that he had both of their attention. “I think it is important that the two of you take some time apart to think about everything that was said here today.”

Emma and Regina nodded, though Regina wasn’t sure that was what she wanted to do. “The ship will pull back into Everett in about 2 weeks. Are you both willing to commit to giving yourselves and each other that time to sort out your feelings?” Again, they nodded.

“Good. Then let’s talk about a safety plan. Emma, I would like you to check back in with me tonight.” At the look of protest on her face, he raised his hand. “Just a quick check in so I can make sure you are all right. This was a very heavy session. And I think that we should up our sessions to 3 times a week until we pull back in.”

She agreed and Archie turned to Regina. “What about you? What does your support system look like?”

“She doesn’t have one,” Emma interjected. Scowling at her, Regina answered the therapist. “I am going to go back to the hotel and call my friend Mal,” she said. “She’ll stay on the phone with me while I get my stuff together to return to Vancouver.”

He nodded. “Do you have a mental health counselor back in Vancouver?”

“No, but I can get one.”

“I would recommend it,” he said. “As I said, this was a very intense session and I want to make sure you are both safe moving forward. In the meantime, would you be willing to check in with me by phone until you get settled back in Vancouver?”

Regina agreed as well and Archie sat back in his chair, satisfied. “Why don’t you take a few moments to get yourselves together and say good-bye in private before Regina leaves?” He stood up and offered Regina his hand. “It was a pleasure to meet you, Regina. Thank you for coming in today.”

After he was gone, she turned to Emma. “So….”

Emma laughed. “So…..that was interesting.”

Regina chuckled as well. “Indeed, it was.”

“Thanks for doing this, Regina. I really needed it.”

She waved her hand dismissively at that. “Are you ok?”

“I will be. I suppose we need to say good-bye now.”

Regina nodded reluctantly. “Yes, I suppose so.”

“I’ll call you once the ship is back home.” She shifted uncomfortably, wondering if it was inappropriate to ask for a kiss after that session. Regina seemed to be able to read her thoughts, because she leaned in, just slightly. Enough to make her intentions clear, but discrete enough that there would be no awkwardness between them if Emma chose to ignore it.

Emma matched the gesture and their lips met in a soft, gentle kiss. It felt like the first time she was able to breathe since the session started. Regina closed her eyes as the sensations overtook her and silently prayed it would not be the last time she would have this.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Emma and Regina talk out several of their issues. Regina gets the details of full details of Emma's assault for the first time and Regina shares details about her marriage and her deal with Cora. She reveals that she agreed to Cora's terms out of fear for Emma's safety, but still wonders if there is any way forward for the two of them.
> 
> The chapter ends with Emma and Regina deciding to take a few weeks without speaking to one another to process all they had learned.


	27. Chapter 27

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Emma returns home from deployment

In Emma’s opinion, nothing in the world compared to the last day of deployment. The air on the ship was electric with excitement and she couldn’t help but smile at the crowds of Sailors hanging out in the hangar bay waiting to see the first glimpse of the shore.

As she walked through the hangar bay in her dress blues, she caught a glimpse of French with her cell phone trying to see if they were close enough to get a signal. Chuckling at the look of disappointment on her right-hand woman’s face, she walked over to say hello.

“If you’re looking for something to pass the time until we pull in, you can get the guys started on staging the equipment that needs to be off-loaded.”

French looked up from her phone, guilty look on her face. “Sorry, Chief.”

She laughed openly at that. “No worries, French. We’re all excited.”

Belle nodded but still looked guilty as she shoved her phone back in her uniform pocket. “I’ll take care of the equipment right away.” At Emma’s nod of appreciation, she gestured towards her dress uniform. “You look good, Chief. Are you going to be manning the rails?”

Emma made a face. “Yep. Lucky me.”

A voice from behind them interrupted the conversation and they both turned to see Mary Margaret. “ _You’re_ going to man the rails?”

She couldn’t really blame the woman for her disbelief. Emma’s distaste for what she deemed to be pointless gestures of pomp and circumstance were legendary on the ship. Manning the Rails, a tradition in which Sailors lined up around the edge of the flight deck in dress uniform as they pulled into port was not exactly something she would have normally volunteered to participate in.

She tugged on the sleeve of her dress blues to try and straighten out a wrinkle. “It won’t kill me,” she said lightly, shrugging. She didn’t reveal the truth behind her decision for volunteering. The night before, she had once again dreamt of Ruby. This time, however, instead of seeing the fire, she saw the young brunette as she remembered her from before it all happened.

She couldn’t be certain of course, but it seemed to her that this ridiculous tradition was exactly one that Ruby would have enjoyed partaking in. When she had woken up from her dream, she had made the snap decision to stand up there in her place.

“I suppose not,” Mary Margaret said doubtfully. Emma could see that she wanted to question it further, so she changed the subject by sending French on her way back to the shop.

“So….you and David have big plans?” she teased once they were alone.

“Emma!” Mary Margaret glanced around quickly to see if anyone had overheard.

“Oh, relax. Believe me, everyone is too busy making their own plans for the day to worry about you and David.”

“I guess that’s true. So, what are your plans?”

Emma shrugged again. “You know my first day back routine,” she commented.

It wasn’t a complicated one. This was Emma’s 6th deployment and she had it worked out to a science. When a ship, particularly an aircraft carrier, returned from deployment there was always a crowd on the pier. MWR provided refreshments, there was music and games to occupy the kids while they waited for a glimpse of their family members.

This was all well and good, but for Emma, all it meant was that traffic was atrocious when she tried to leave. In all of her deployments, she had never once had anyone greet her on the pier and so she found the whole thing tiresome. That was why she waited until everyone was gone and the party on the pier was nothing more than a gigantic mess that some poor soul was going to have to clean up.

The wait was a long one, but usually by 7 or 8 pm it was safe to leave without too much hassle. Emma planned to spend the day making arrangements to pick up her car in the morning and get the electricity and water in her home turned back on.

Once all that was done, she would walk to the front gate of the base, call an Uber to take her home, order some disgustingly greasy food from Door Dash and take a long hot shower without shower shoes on her feet.

Ah, the simple pleasures of life.

Mary Margaret nodded. The only time she and Emma had pulled in from deployment together had been after the fire and the circumstances had obviously been significantly different then. Still, she had heard Emma describe her routine often, particularly in the weeks before deployment drew to a close.

“Sounds like you have it all worked out. Just don’t wait too long to leave the ship.”

“I promise,” Emma said, though she had no intention of stepping off the boat a minute before 7pm at the earliest.”

Mary Margaret rolled her eyes, knowing full well she was lying. “Yeah, ok.”

“I’ve got to go man the rails now,” Emma said. “Then I need to change and help my shop get this gear offloaded so they can get off the ship.”

“So, I won’t see you again today?”

“Probably not.” She surprised Mary Margaret with a quick hug. “Thanks for everything.”

“I’m not transferring, Emma. I’ll see you in 2 weeks when we get off leave.”

“I know,” she laughed. “But you’ve been amazing this deployment. I wanted to tell you that.”

\---------------------------------

She was still on the phone with the electric company while walking to the front gate and it was irritating her beyond belief. “I don’t care about the reconnection fee. I’ll be home in 45 minutes. Get it turned on before I get there.”

“Emma?”

She whirled around to see Regina standing by the entrance to the pier. “I need to go. Make sure it gets turned back on.” She hung up without waiting for a reply and stared at the brunette looking back at her with uncertainty.

“Regina.” Her voice came out in a whisper as she tried to process what she was seeing. “What are you doing here?”

Regina swallowed nervously. She had suspected that Emma did not have anyone to greet her on the pier when the ship pulled in and Mary Margaret had confirmed as much when she had emailed and asked her. At the time, surprising Emma on the pier had seemed like a great idea. But as the hours had ticked by with no sign of her, her nerves had gotten the better of her and now seeing the look on Emma’s face she was sure this whole thing was a mistake.

“I didn’t want you to be alone,” she confessed. “But I can see it was a bad idea. I’ll just go.”

“Hang on a second.”

Regina turned around at the sound of her voice. “Yes?”

“I’m happy to see you, just surprised. Give me a minute ok?”

She could see the relief on Regina’s face as she nodded in agreement and smiled to reassure her that she meant what she said. After spending 5 days together in Hawaii and that intense counseling session with Archie, missing Regina had been a sharp pain that had not dulled in the 2 weeks since they last spoke. She was apprehensive about what was coming next between them, but this moment was easy. She was genuinely happy.

“Wait,” she said as a sudden thought occurred to her. “How long have you been waiting?”

Regina shrugged. “The information packet that Mal got ahold of for me said to be here around 10 because the ship was scheduled to pull in around noon.”

“Regina! It’s almost 8pm! You’ve been here since 10?”

9:15, but Regina didn’t mention that. “I just wanted someone to be here when you got home, that’s all.”

Emma wondered if she should tell her that this was the first time she had anyone ever greet her on the pier after deployment, but she was too busy kicking herself for not departing the ship sooner to pay the thought much attention.

“What were your plans for the evening?”

She focused on Regina’s voice, knowing it would do far more to pull her out of her self-reproach than anything she would manage to come up with. “I’m not sure. What did you have in mind?”

“Well, I was just planning to see you and maybe take you to lunch,” Regina admitted. “I wanted you to have someone to greet you, not intrude on your plans for the day. I was going to drive back to Vancouver afterwards.”

“Well, that’s not an option now.”

“Vancouver is only about 3 hours away.”

Emma snorted at that. “Forget it, Regina. I’ve got a better idea. How does shitty take out and a slight prayer of electricity sound?”

She couldn’t help but laugh at that. “It sounds perfect. Thank you.”

\--------------------------------

Thankfully, the electricity was back on when Regina pulled her Mercedes up to the modest ranch house.

“Is this it?”

“Yep.”

They stepped inside and Emma made short work of her bags. “Make yourself comfortable,” she instructed. “There’s no food or anything, but I’m going to grab a shower and then we can order something.

Regina nodded and looked around curiously. “This is a really cute place,” she commented.

Emma shrugged. “It’s not much but it suits my needs,” she said. “Feel free to look around while I change.”

“Is there anywhere you would rather I didn’t look?”

She planted a quick kiss on the brunette’s lips. “I appreciate the question, but no. Besides, this house is barely 1300 square feet. There’s not a lot to see.”

She locked herself in the bathroom and tried not to think about Regina poking around her stuff while she was showering. She wasn’t hiding anything, and she didn’t own anything especially private or embarrassing, but the thought of Regina walking around her house unaccompanied still brought a flush to her cheeks. It seemed so intimate.

Perhaps it was that thought that had her rushing through her shower a bit more quickly than she would have had she been here alone. When she entered the bedroom, she was surprised to see Regina sitting on her bed waiting for her.

“Done looking around already?”

“No, I decided I would rather wait for you to show me around,” Regina confessed. “This is your home, and I don’t want to intrude on your space.”

She shook her head that, a little surprised at Regina’s thoughtfulness. “You’re not intruding,” she insisted. “I gave you permission.”

Regina shrugged, ready to change the subject. “I’m hungry. How do you feel about ordering a pizza?”’

Her eyebrows shot up in surprise. “ _You_ want pizza?”

“I remember it being your favorite. Am I wrong?”

“No, you’re right.” In fact, pizza was always her go-to on her first night back from underway. “But you don’t like it.”

“Everyone likes pizza. I just didn’t care for it as much as you did.”

“Still, are you sure? We can just order from a restaurant that has more variety. Maybe we can find a place where you can get a salad.”

Regina looked up at her and sighed at the nervous expression in her eyes. “Emma…sit down for a second.”

Emma obeyed and Regina took her hand. “You seem really tense. I really don’t want to intrude on whatever you were going to do tonight.”

“You’re not,” Emma tried to insist.

“Maybe it would be better if I left. It’s your first night back in your home and you should be comfortable.”

“Please don’t go.” The sentence was spoken with simple sincerity and shot straight to Regina’s heart. “I’ve never had anyone with me when I’ve gotten home before. It’s a lot nicer than I imagined.”

“Having someone here?”

She shook her head. “Having someone notice I was gone.”

Regina dropped her hand and pulled Emma close to her, allowing her to rest her head on her shoulder. Emma’s eyes closed in enjoyment when Regina started to stroke her hair. “I noticed every single day you were gone,” she whispered, and Emma knew she wasn’t just talking about the past few weeks.

Emma let the cuddle to go on for another couple of minutes before she pulled away. “Ok, that’s enough of that. Pizza?”

“Absolutely,” she chuckled. “What do you normally do when you get home from deployment?”

“You’re pretty much looking at it. Although I do usually stop at the convenience store on the way home for a tub of ice cream and a cheap bottle of wine.”

“Well, I can’t do anything about the ice cream unless you want to go back out.” Regina reached into her purse and pulled out a bottle of 2016 Pinot Noir. “But I did bring this for you as a welcome home gift.”

“Smooth, Mills. Very smooth,” she laughed.

“Oh, shut up Miss Swan and tell me where you keep your corkscrew,” she ordered, but she knew she was blushing just a bit.

“In the drawer just to the right of the dishwasher. Is pepperoni ok?”

“Sounds fine.”

\-------------------------------------

They were pleasantly tipsy, but certainly a long way from drunk when Regina noticed Emma yawning. It was close to midnight and though both felt like they could continue to stay up for hours talking, Regina had left her home in Vancouver before six that morning. Emma had just returned from a 10-month deployment. It was time for bed.

“Do you have a guest room or should I sleep on the couch?”

“I have a guest room,” she replied with a frown. “But I thought you would sleep here? With me? I mean, if you want to.” She hated the way her voice sounded so uncertain, but she couldn’t seem to control it.

“Emma, are you sure?”

“Of course, I’m sure. We just shared a bed a few weeks ago.”

“No, I know we did. I just didn’t want to assume….I mean that was an unusual circumstance, wasn’t it?”

Emma rolled her eyes and pulled the covers back on her bed. “Regina, get in the damn bed.”

“Ok, ok.” She sat down on the edge of the bed and gestured towards her clothes. “I really was planning to drive back to Vancouver today,” she explained.

“Right. That makes sense. Um, I don’t really do pajamas, so are you good with shorts and a tank top? Or would you prefer sweats?”

“Anything is fine. I just don’t think I can sleep in this suit.”

“For sure. Here you go.” She tossed the shorts and tank top at Regina who caught them gracefully. “There’s an extra toothbrush in the bathroom.”

When she returned from the bathroom, she settled easily in the bed. Emma’s clothes were slightly too large for her, but they were soft and comfortable. She could feel sleep start to overtake her and she rolled over to face Emma.

Emma’s face was just inches from her own in the Queen size bed. Logically, she knew that the bed was more than large enough for both of them, but they both naturally gravitated to the middle of the mattress as though pulled by some unseen magnetic force.

“Regina…”

“Yes?” she breathed.

Emma’s eyes closed as she inched closer. “Thanks for being here. I don’t think I even realized how much I needed it.”

She reached a hand up to stroke the blonde’s back. “I’m not going anywhere, Emma.” She knew that they still had so much to talk about, but Emma’s eyes remained closed and her breathing was becoming deep and steady.

“Sleep darling,” she whispered. She wasn’t sure if Emma heard the endearment, but the smile on her face made her suspect that she had. Closing her own eyes so that the sight of the smile on Emma’s face would be the last thing she saw that day, she drifted off to sleep.


	28. Chapter 28

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Emma and Regina take another step towards reconcilliation.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> NSFW. No trigger warnings, just consensual sex between two adult women.

Regina had no idea what time it was when she opened her eyes. It was still pitch black and she fumbled for her phone and saw it that it was only 3:30 in the morning. She had been slumbering peacefully for about 3 hours.

She sat up in bed and was wondering what had woken up, when she felt eyes on her. Turning around, she saw Emma laying wide awake staring at her as though she had never seen her before in her life.

“Are you ok?” she asked concerned.

Emma gave no indication that she had heard her. She just continued to stare at Regina in a peculiar manner that made her stomach clench up in fear.

“Emma? What’s wrong? Did you have another nightmare?” She put her hand out hesitantly and that seemed to snap the blonde out of the stupor she had been in.

“Nothing.”

Emma’s gaze seemed a little less intense now and slightly less scary, but her eyes never left Regina’s for a moment.

“Why are you looking at me like that?”

A small smile crossed Emma’s lips as she continued to look steadily at Regina’s face. “I just realized something.”

“What?”

Emma’s smile grew a bit as she replied. “I forgive you.”

The world stopped moving for a moment and Regina forgot to breathe. “What did you say?”

“I forgive you.”

It wasn’t as though Regina wasn’t aware of the crushing guilt that she had been carrying around for the past 15 years. It was there, always, but she had grown so accustomed to it that she had forgotten just how heavy the burden was on her soul. Until this moment, when she looked at Emma’s clear eyes and steady gaze and finally felt as though she were taking her first real breath since that night that she had stood frozen in the apartment doorway.

“Are you…” She was suddenly aware of the lump in her throat and she tried to swallow it down as she attempted speaking again. “Are you sure?”

Emma nodded. Her voice strong and solid, but quiet, when she spoke again. “I’m sure. I forgive you.” She looked over at Regina and saw the tears slipping down her cheeks. The woman sat with her head bowed and made no motion to wipe them away. Emma wondered if she was even aware that they were there.

She leaned forward and kissed the tear-stained cheek, lifting her hand to brush the tears away. “I’m sure,” she repeated. “I’ve never been more sure of anything in my life. I forgive you, Regina.”

Regina lifted her head and fought the sobs that were getting caught in her throat so that she could speak. “H-how?”

“I don’t know,” Emma confessed. “I mean, I’ve wanted to, for a long time. But I couldn’t.”

Regina nodded, keeping her head up and her eyes trained on Emma’s. “So then, what changed?”

“I have no idea. I just know that until now, when I saw you or thought about you, I got this really bad feeling in the pit of my stomach. I’m sorry about that,” she added, aware of how it sounded.

She waved her hand dismissively at the apology. That wasn’t important right now. Her mind was filled with questions, but she found that she could not ask any of them at that moment. The only thing she could do was replay Emma’s words in her mind, over and over.

_I forgive you._

She didn’t think more beautiful words existed in the whole world.

She suddenly realized that Emma was speaking again and forced her mind back so that she could pay attention to her.

“When I saw you yesterday, something was different. I realized right away, but I couldn’t put my finger on what it was. It wasn’t until I was laying here watching you sleep that I recognized that the bad feelings were all gone. All I can feel now is how much I love you.”

The sob she had been fighting came out in a strangled cry. “Say it again,” she begged.

Emma reached out and gathered the broken woman in her arms. She laid Regina’s head against her chest and then lowered her own head so that she could speak directly in her ear. She would repeat this as many times as Regina needed to hear it. “I love you, Regina” she whispered. “I forgive you.”

The moments ticked by as Regina allowed herself to be held. She had no idea how much time had passed when Emma spoke again. “Are you ok?”

She shook her head at the question. “Ok? I’m…” Her voice trailed off as she tried to find the words she was searching for.

“What?”

“I’m amazing. Incredible. Elated.”

Emma studied her closely. “And?”

“And….overwhelmed,” she admitted. “I never expected this to happen. I hoped for it, of course. But I honestly didn’t see a way for it to actually happen.”

“Truthfully, neither did I. I’m glad it did, though.”

“So am I.”

Emma leaned back against the pillow and opened her arms for Regina to join her. Instead of scooting forward, however, Regina just sat in stunned silence as she studied the other woman.

“Regina?”

“I’m here. I just….” She sighed and reached for Emma’s hands. “You are the most incredible person I have ever met.”

Emma shook her head in denial, but Regina ignored that and placed a gentle kiss on her lips. “You, my love, are the most loving, most compassionate, kindest person I’ve ever known.” She kissed her again and squeezed her hands, hoping she was doing enough to convey how much this meant to her. “I have no idea how you were able to accomplish this, or what I have done to deserve the fact that you even tried. But Emma, I swear to you, I am going to spend the rest of my life proving myself worthy of it.”

A ghost of a smile reappeared on Emma’s face as she listened. “What you’ve done? Regina, do you honestly not know?”

She waited for a reply, but none came. The same look of wonder was still on Regina’s face as she worked to process what was happening. “You fought for me. You fought for _this_. You’ve spent the last 15 years trying to find me and rebuild what was broken between us. And you did it all while fully ready to walk away if I asked you to.”

Still, she did not reply. Walking away from Emma would have been the hardest thing she would have ever had to do. Nothing compared to it, not her marriage, not the years she had spent hating herself, nothing. The only thing she could think of that came close was the horrible moment when Mary Margaret had told her about the fire, and she realized how close Emma had been to dying.

She would have walked away; had it been asked of her. She was sure of the truth of that. But oh, how grateful she was that it hadn’t been.

“Don’t ever doubt that you deserve this second chance, Regina. I’ve forgiven you. Now you need to forgive yourself.”

Regina nodded and finally laid back in Emma’s arms. They lay there quietly for a few moments before Emma shifted to sit up. Regina sat up as well and turned to face her.

“Regina?”

“Yes?”

Emma hadn’t imagined ever asking this of Regina again in her life. Suddenly, the request seemed like the scariest question to ever cross her lips. She swallowed hard and gathered her courage.

“Make love to me, Regina.”

\----------------------------------

_Make love to me, Regina._

The world stopped again.

Somewhere in the back of her mind, Regina had to wonder how many times her life could get turned upside down in one night before everything finally came crashing down. Most of her mind, however, was caught up in repeating Emma’s request over and over inside her head.

_Make love to me, Regina._

The silence in the room was stifling as Regina watched the conflicting emotions travel across Emma’s face. The regret starting to form was what finally pulled her from her stupor

_‘Answer her, you moron!’_ her brain screamed at her.

“Emma…are you sure?”

Emma nodded eagerly. “Unless you don’t want to, of course.”

She grabbed her hand before she could run. “Emma, believe me. I want to. I want to more than anything. As long as you are 100 percent sure that is what you want.”

“It is,” Emma reassured her quietly. “Even before tonight, this was never the problem. I knew it wasn’t a good idea, but I have wanted to be with you since that first moment I saw you on the ship.”

Her heart swelling at the revelation, she kissed Emma softly. “Lay back,” she whispered.

Emma obeyed and Regina put a hand gently on her shoulder. “We’re going to take it slow, ok?”

“We don’t have to,” she tried to protest.

“ _I_ have to. I know you said you want this, but I want to be sure to give you every opportunity to change your mind. We are not going to do anything you’re not ready for.”

Emma nodded and closed her eyes as Regina began to run her fingers softly down her arm. “Besides,” Regina continued. “I’ve been waiting for this for a really long time and I am not going to rush now that the moment is finally here.”

She waited for an answer, but when none came, she moved her fingers away from Emma’s arm and cupped her face with both hands. “I love you, Emma.”

“I love you too.”

Her heart swelled again, and she thought for a moment that it would just give out under the weight of the joy that it experienced tonight. Taking a breath, she leaned forward to pepper soft kisses on Emma’s face. Her exploration stopped when she reached Emma’s mouth which was open in anticipation of her lips.

She allowed her lips to pause slightly before pressing them softly against Emma’s. Her own mouth opened, almost without thought, as her tongue reached out and gently entered the area between the blonde’s parted lips.

The memories of doing this so many times came flooding back to both of them, as their tongues eagerly explored each other. They had kissed many times since their reunion, but this felt like something else entirely. She felt her breath get stolen away and her fingers reached out unconsciously to tangle in Emma’s hair.

Emma’s hunger grew as Regina continued to probe her mouth with her tongue, kissing deeper than she ever remembered experiencing before. The blood in her veins hummed in arousal and every nerve ending felt like it was on fire.

She knew Regina wanted to go slow, but she wasn’t going to make it. Her body was already uncomfortably aroused, and they hadn’t done anything other than kiss yet.

Suddenly, Regina pulled back, her eyes dark and glittering. “Wow,” she said breathlessly. Emma had to laugh at that.

“Yeah,” she agreed.

“And you’re sure you still want to do this.”

She nodded eagerly again, but Regina didn’t move. “You’ll stop me any time you feel uncomfortable?” she asked.

Emma thought it was possible that she might just die if Regina didn’t put her hands back on her. Or her mouth. Or both. Preferably both.

“I promise,” she said. “Just please, please.”

“Please what?”

Emma swallowed at the look in Regina’s eyes. The brunette was staring at her as though she were a present she wanted to unwrap. “Touch me, Regina.”

“Gladly.”

As though guided by some unseen force, Regina resumed her exploration. Her mouth began to dot little kisses again, but this time they went lower. She placed the small kisses on Emma’s jawline, the sensitive spot by her ear that she remembered so well, random spots on her throat and neck and finally lowered her mouth to Emma’s collarbone.

As she kissed, her hands ran slowly down Emma’s sides. When her mouth reached the top of her chest and her hands lowered to Emma’s hips, Emma shivered and released the first moan of the night. Her eyes darkened in arousal at the sound and a small smile crossed her lips.

Emma felt the smile against her chest and shuddered. Her hands reached down to tug her tank top off, but Regina stopped her. “Let me,” she whispered. Emma nodded and Regina gently pulled the shirt over her head.

She laid back down as Regina stared at her in wonder. “What is it?” she asked, feeling a bit self-conscious.

Regina did not respond, just continued to allow her gaze to travel up from Emma’s hip bones to her toned stomach before finally reaching-.

“Regina?” she asked breathlessly.

Regina gently reached both hands up to cup her breasts. “Do you know how long it’s been since I’ve seen these? Since I’ve touched them?”

Her head fell back against her will at the feeling of Regina’s fingers on her breasts. Regina’s hands stroked the underside of her breasts softly and her mouth returned to her clavicle, sucking gently. One finger on each hand reached up to gently brush her nipples and Emma’s back arched with a sharp cry.

“Oh, god!”

Regina stopped for a second to return to admiring the blonde’s form. “You’re perfect, Emma,” she whispered.

Emma’s head shook again in denial, but Regina wasn’t having any of it. “You are perfect,” she repeated, then lowered her mouth to one breast.

Emma cried out again when Regina’s tongue darted out to lick her nipple. The arousal she felt earlier when Regina was kissing her returned in a rush and she felt the gush of wetness seep out into her panties.

Regina’s hands moved lower again, gently stroking her stomach. Her mouth moved to the other breast, laving it generously with her tongue. She kept her tongue darting and her fingers moving until Emma was squirming in earnest. When Regina’s hands moved down to her legs, Emma nearly came right off the bed.

Regina stopped for a moment as Emma’s breath came out in a gasp. “Are you ok?”

Emma shook her head. “Are you trying to make me come?” she demanded.

“Eventually, yes. Do you…can you come from this?”

Emma’s eyes squeezed shut in frustration. “It’s been a really long time for me,” she confessed, breathlessly. “I don’t know if I can hold back.”

Regina nodded and scooted down further. She was enjoying her slow exploration of Emma’s body, but as much as she had used to enjoy torturing her in the past, she wasn’t trying to make Emma beg or feel uncomfortable in any way during their first time back together.

She tapped the woman’s thighs gently and they fell open almost instantaneously. Regina smiled as she settled between her legs. She tugged gently on Emma’s shorts before looking up at her.

“Can I?”

Emma lifted her hips slightly so Regina could slide her shorts down her legs. Before Regina could even ask, Emma was already pulled her panties down as well. Regina swallowed a chuckle before gently pushing Emma’s thighs further apart and settling in between them. She placed feather light kisses on the inside of her thighs, then trailed her tongue gently down her legs until she felt Emma begin to squirm again. She could see the blonde’s glistening arousal on her core, dripping out onto the inside of her thighs.

Taking pity at last, she moved her mouth to Emma’s center and licked gently down the length of her slit. When Emma cried out yet again, she gently separated the folds and lowered her tongue to her clit.

“Wait,” Emma said.

She stopped instantly, head popping up from between Emma’s legs to meet her eyes. “Do you want me to stop?” she asked.

She couldn’t help but laugh, horrified at the idea. “Definitely not,” she said. “I just meant that you don’t have to.”

She hesitated briefly. “If you don’t want me to, then I won’t. Obviously. But believe me, I want to.”

“Are you sure?”

“Am I sure?” She crawled forward to kiss Emma again. “Do you have any idea how much I missed the taste of you?”

“Really?”

She bent her head to Emma’s heated sex again and licked it gently. Emma moaned at the contact, more wetness seeping out. “Really,” she said.

Emma didn’t say anything, just nodded. Regina looked up once more for confirmation and when Emma met her eyes steadily, she returned to her earlier position. Her tongue flicked out to meet Emma’s clit and when Emma’s hips began to rock, she took the nub fully in her mouth and sucked. Emma felt the world slip away as stars began to dance in front of her eyes. She was so close!

She nearly screamed in frustration when Regina stopped sucking, but then felt Regina’s tongue at her entrance. It remained still as Regina silently asked for permission to continue. Nodding frantically, she let her legs full further apart to invite her in and pushed her hips further forward to feel the friction. When she felt Regina’s tongue make contact with _that_ spot inside of her, she began to come completely undone.

“Regina, please. I can’t hold back.”

Regina stroked her leg in encouragement as she pushed her tongue further in and silently urged her to let go. With a scream that she hadn’t even known she was capable of, she came undone, her hand scrambling down to grasp Regina’s free one. Regina rode it out with her, squeezing her hand and never letting up the frantic pace of her tongue as Emma was blinded by pleasure and her head fell back with a gasp.

Instantly knowing the moment that pleasure would turn to discomfort from overstimulation, Regina sat back up and looked at Emma who had tears streaming down her face. Emma dropped her head as though embarrassed, but Regina quickly crawled back up and gathered her in her arms. She could feel a few tears fall down her own face and Emma reached up and brushed them away.

“I know why I’m crying, but why on earth are _you_ crying?”

Regina chuckled despite herself. “I just never thought I would have this again,” she admitted quietly.

Emma nodded in understanding. “Me either.”

A few moments passed as they both contemplated that. Emma sighed contentedly and stroked Regina’s stomach through her tank top. Regina could see where her thoughts were and placed a gentle kiss on her head.

“Later, ok?”

“Are you sure?”

Regina nodded and gently pulled Emma closer to her. “I’m sure. Right now, this is all I want.”

“Tomorrow, then,” Emma agreed and within minutes they fell back asleep in each other’s arms.


End file.
